As for love…you can learn to love and experience the ‘feeling’ of love as you heal your heart from past and present times of hurts and disappointments.  As you move towards healing from hurts, you will begin to build a door to your heart that you can then realize you control.  You can open it and close it as you need.  Shutting it to protect your heart and opening it when you want to let love out…for you see…that is where you begin to love.  That is how you learn to become vulnerable without fearing becoming a victim.

God’s love is yours and it is in you now.  Your hurts keep you from fully experiencing the joy of that love as you do not feel it is yours to experience.  So…continue the work of healing from hurts and learning how to let down your feelings of inadequacy where God’s love is concerned…then his love is experienced in your heart and all of a sudden you are ‘feeling’ love. 

When God’s love is experienced in your life, it can’t help but bubble up and spill out of you into the world around you.  Love is something that almost takes on a life of its own.  It moves, flows and surrounds you when you are willing to open your life to experience the gift of God’s love.  It is unconditional, unrelenting, never ending…it is always there and always honest…you do not have to do anything to ‘earn’ it.  Learn to let it be yours…

Read and study 1 Corinthians 13.  Paul writes how wonderful the gift of love is when we model our lives to live it.  When you begin to work on bringing more love into your life – you need to understand that it begins with you living love.  Paul tells us what that looks like.  Live love, then love will come flowing into your world. 

Being single myself, I know that sometimes I feel the void of affection in my world.  Sometimes I long for a touch, a hug, the all-knowing smile.  But, that it is affection – not necessarily love for which I hunger.  Affection is important but is different from love.  Affection is a result of being with someone who knows how to live love.  But it is important to remember that a life of love can be experienced no matter if I am married or single.

Love is how to live life.  Are you patient, kind, selfless, justice seeking?  Love is a way for you to live, not something for you to feel.  When experiencing affection, you can sometimes experience the ‘feeling’ of love.  But, when in the presence of a person who has been mean, abusive, absent from relationship – even if affection is shown, a ‘feeling’ of love may not be experienced.  To really experience love in life it is important to learn the difference between affection and love.  I know…it is easier said than done.  But the journey needs to begin with what you give – not what you receive.

Try living love today…see what happens in your world when you model living a day of love as we are called to live in 1 Corinthians 13.  It is yours!

The stress-filled time of the holidays is officially upon us.  Just last week while I was checking out the post-Halloween candy sale isle in the local discount store, I overheard two women lamenting on the length of their Christmas shopping lists.  I was saddened that these two women were already consumed with thoughts of Christmas shopping even though it was only the first week of November.

As I turned the corner and went to the next ‘seasonal’ isle, I became very aware of why they had been lamenting.  The Christmas tree display was up and twinkling and the isles that once were full of costumes and candy were now full of ornaments, lights, wreaths, wrapping paper, garland, stockings, etc.  And to think that I was planning on buying an autumn mum that day!  No such luck!  Where the mums had been displayed a week before, there were now wonderful red poinsettias.  How did I miss the autumn mums on November 2nd!?  Could I find any holiday napkins and plates for Thanksgiving Day?  No!  They were gone, too – replaced by napkins with snowmen, trees, poinsettias, etc.  I was too late for Thanksgiving?!  Don’t even get me started on the television and mail order industries!

It really is beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!

Stress Triggers

The holidays, under the best of circumstances, start triggering excessive stress.  It is undeniable.  When we start thinking of ‘family time’ and holiday schedules blood pressures usually begin to rise, almost immediately.  (Can you feel the tension tighten in your neck just as you read this?) 

Holiday stress is much more common than people realize.  As a matter of fact, November 1st brings about the busiest time of year for most mental health professionals.  Our calendars will be pretty full from now through the end of February.  The primary request is almost always the same, “Jackie, please help me mentally prepare for the agony of family time/holiday schedules/dwindling money.  I just don’t know how to handle _____!”  (You fill in the name of the family members, party, friends, obligations, etc.)

I anticipate that the stress of the holidays will seem a little more overwhelming this year.  With the war, the economy, the possible (or realized) lack of job security…our Stress Platter is pretty full already and we’veonly just begun.  Add to the above the historical button pushing that our family members are famous for and our cup will runneth over with the stress experience.  We, as a society and individually, are on overload.  It is too much stress for any one person to handle. 

12 Stress Management Tips

I have come up with a list of 12 simple stress management techniques that (if you practice them) will help you manage what otherwise may seem like too much.  Remember (and this is important)…you have to use these tips in order for them to work.

1) Stay focused on the reason for the season. 

Between now and New Year’s Eve, focus on why we are celebrating at all this time of year.  

Thanksgiving was first designed as a celebratory way to give thanks to God for the gifts experienced in the new land of freedom.  It wasn’t an easy life.  Actually, it was a difficult and hard life, but the pilgrims gathered to give thanks to God for all they had been given.  “And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”  (Ephesians 5:20)

Christmas is an opportunity to celebrate the birth of our Savior who paid the price of our sins.  “God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.” (John 3:17)  God brought salvation and peace through the birth of Christ.  WOW!  A time that was originally given to us to celebrate our salvation turned into a high-stress season?!  We added the pressure of gifts, holiday gatherings and parties, and disappointed expectations – that was never part of the original package.  We sure messed up a good thing there!

New Year is the final in the celebration trio.  To many people, the new year represents the gift of new opportunities or a time to start living true to how God directs them to live.  This gift is not designed to add more stress into the new year, but rather to bring hope and a reminder that God is still here.   “Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.”  (Hebrews 10:36)

2) Breathe!!!!

One of the top stress relievers is learning to physically relax.  Take time to talk your body out of the stress mode and relax you muscles and your mind.  Spend time in quite prayer and meditation.  “Be still and know I am God.”  (Psalm 46:10)

3) Simplify and learn to say, “No.” 

How many trees do you need to put up and how many decorations do you really need to display?  Take a look at your calendar, prioritize and then erase EVERYTHING that you can cut out from the obligation of the season.  “No” is sometimes difficult to say.  But learn that it may be one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal against stress.  Say “no” to over obligating yourself and then take time to smell the pine! 

4) Under-spend! 

Take a look at your shopping/wish lists.  How much do you really need to buy and/or get as gifts?  Maybe you and your peeps can get together andadopt a less fortunate family…feed or clothe the homeless…give to those more in need.  Then, your family celebration can consist of a genuine thanksgiving of all that you enjoy and have surrounding you and you won’t have to worry about how you will pay for everything when January rolls around.

5) Send out E-Cards and go green.  

A subscription to a good greeting card website will not only save you time and money, but it will also save the world a lot of trees and energy.

6) Be flexible. 

There is a lot of stress experienced by families, blended families and in families with adult children juggling their in-law family activities.  Lighten up and spread out the good cheer.  Who says that Thanksgiving can only be celebrated on a Thursday in November and that a Christmas dinner is less wonderful on December 18th?!   Be flexible in your celebration planning and who knows…you may have a longer, more fulfilling, less stressful season.

7) Be proactive against loneliness.  

For many people, the holidays serve as a painful reminder that they are not in a significant relationship and loneliness can seem overwhelming.  If this happens to be you, then you need to step up to the plate of self care and fill your time with other people.  Volunteer at a shelter, your church, call some other single friends, host a holiday potluck, etc.

8) Take care of yourself! 

Get enough sleep, exercise and eat a healthy – balanced diet.  The more healthy and rested you are, the more stress you will be able to comfortably handle.

9) Let go of your expectations. 

To many, the holidays represent a time to mourn the loss of unmet expectations – either of ourselves or others.  Examine those expectations and then evaluate how important it is to keep holding on to them.  Sometimes, by letting go, we free ourselves to enjoy the people we do have in our lives and the happiness we can experience with them.  Don’t let unmet expectations get in the way of you enjoying all of the wonderfulness you do have to celebrate.

10) Guard your buttons. 

It is important to remember they are your buttons.  People can only push them if you let them.  Know from where your buttons originate and then keep them in carefully under guard.  Most of the time, we allow our buttons to be pushed based on memories of when we were young rather than how things need to be today.  You are an adult now, so don’t let people get to your buttons!

11) Lighten Up!

Sometimes when stress fills our waking hours we just need to havea good belly laugh.  Laughter really is the best medicine.  When we laugh, our brain responds in kind by releasing chemicals that bring a sense of well-being and joy into our day.  So, when all else seems to be too much to handle, find something fun and funny and enjoy!

12) Live Love. 

I Corinthians 13paints a beautiful portrait of what living love looks like.  Make sure you are bringing your loving self to every relationship (even with strangers) this holiday season.  Start everyday with the following prayer based onI Corinthians 13…

Heavenly Father,

 Please help me begin and liveeach day with love.  My prayer today andthroughout this holiday season is that I may approach all of my relationships (even withstrangers) as you would want me to, with love.  Please help me be more patient, kind, humble, polite, compromising, tolerant, even-tempered, forgiving, justice seeking, honest, perseverant, faithful, hopeful and tolerant.  With these love skills, I know that the gift of love that you haveshared with all through your grace will bubble up inside of me and spill out toward all the world.  Help me free my heart of all previous hurts andpains so that I may share with all my friends and family the love that will create a sense of joy in this holiday season and prayerfully throughout the New Year.  In your loving son’s name I pray…Amen!

I love this verse from Psalm133.  I feel uplifted just reading it.  When I spend time thinking about it, my heart is filled with hope and joy.  It is a wonderful and pleasant thought to think of us all living in harmony!  Merriam-Webster defines “harmony” (beyond the musical definition) as, ” an internal calm”  or “a pleasing or congruent arrangement of parts” or ” an interweaving of different accounts into a single narrative.”  Take any one of these definitions and tuck it into Psalm 133:1 and a beautiful picture comes to mind.

I haven’t given up hope of the possibility of living in harmony on this earth.  I know that is possible, but only if everyone desires the same harmony.  I cannot make other’s aspire to live this way – but I certainly can pray for that to happen.  In the meantime, there are things that I can do to work on my own harmonious contribution.

Internal Calm

First, how well do I practice living a life of harmony?  Am I bringing to the table of relationships an ”internal calm?”  Do I spend time with myself, my emotions and God to bring about a peace that only God can provide?  Or, am I reacting to the emotions that bubble up in me everyday? 

I must admit, I am not as good at choosing an action to my emotions as I wish I could be.  I know that sometimes my reactions are nothing more than a knee-jerk behavior which more times than not will leave me feeling out of control.  If instead, I pray and carefully consider an action in response, then I am exercising the only thing in life that I have control over and that is myself.  In order for me to experience an internal calm, I need to exercise self-control and choose appropriate actions examined through lenses of compassion and grace.  Lighten up, Jackie!

Pleasing Arrangement of Parts

Next, am I helping to create a “pleasing or congruent arrangement of parts?”   What does that look like?  Who gets to define that arrangement?  Often times I find myself looking for something to fill my life with happiness and joy.  If I feel a void in my heart, then I go looking in any and all directions for something to fill that empty place.  I really need to let go of this quest and understand that the real answer is already waiting for me – and that is the grace and love of Christ. 

I recently was turned on to an author that combines my two favorite topics into delightful reading material.  Morton Kelsey writes about religion and psychology in an almost poetic prose.  Although a heavy read and quite philosophical, it is delightful reading for those of us that groove on these two areas of study.  Dr. Kelsey writes in his book, The Other Side of Silence , ” First of all, such love is not created by our own effort.  It happens when we allow the love discovered inwardly, through meditation and ritual, to pour out through our deeds as Paul describes in I Corinthians 13.  It takes discipline and fortitude to allow this healing spring to continue to bubble up in us.  Allowing love to work through us takes some doing, but is far more certain than relying on our own efforts.”

Think about it…to open our hearts to the reality of God’s love for us, fills us to such a depth that we cannot keep the love inside.  God’s love will bubble up in us and through us to others.  It pours out of us because it can’t be contained!  Can you imagine living your life with such an over flowing heart, filled with so much love that you couldn’t help but spill it out - all over?!  Now that is a “pleasing arrangement of parts!”

A Single Narrative – Love

The word picture of love bubbling up naturally spills over into the third definition of harmony, an ”interweaving of different accounts into a single narrative.”  I want you to close your eyes for a moment and just picture it…what would the world look like if everyone allowed God’s love to flow into their hearts?  Everyone would be experiencing such joy that their cups would literally runneth over and love would be spilling around on and to everyone.  The interweaving of these streams of love would bubble up into a narrative of contentment, joy, peace, kindness – all that could be good in the world!  This picture fills my heart with hope and joy.  It is what God and His love is all about.  It is really all we need!

So, I begin today with this picture in mind – God’s love flowing into my heart, bubbling up and spilling in harmony to all.  That is what I can do about living in harmony!  I can allow God’s love to fill my heart, and then I can joyfully allow it to flow throughout my day and into the world through my actions, attitudes, and words.  I can choose to live a life of love!  Care to join me?

The above was emailed to me yesterday and I wanted to share the author’s thoughts with you all. 

I also read The Shack with similar thoughts as this author.   Have any of you read The Shack?  What were your thoughts and/or questions as you read?  Were there any areas of the book where you found yourself engulfed in anger?  Sadness?  Happiness?  Hopefulness?  How did you feel about God’s view of the abuser?  How did you feel about God’s love and compassion? 

The theme in the book that grabbed and held my heart was when God repeatedly states, “I’m especially fond of that one.”  To think that God can embrace me, in spite of myself fills me with such peace and joy.  How do you feel when thinking about the fact that He affords the same love towards you?

Knowing about my interest in studying relationships, a friend recently sent me an article, “How to Get the Man of Your Dreams to Love You.” This article coupled with the idea of fixing spouses got me thinking – so I Googled, “How to get someone to love you.” I got 63,700,000 hits…really!? Google offers links to that many sources about exerting my individual power over other people to manipulate them to love me!? Wow!!! That is a lot of potential manipulating. Here are some of my favorite book and article titles from the first three pages of the Google search results. (I didn’t go through all 63,700,000 of them!)

• “How to Make a Man Fall in Love with You”
• “How to Encourage a Woman to Fall in Love with you”
• “How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You”
• “How to Make Her Want You”
• “Make a Girl Become Obsessed With You”
• “How to Become a Man Magnet”
• “47 Ways to Make Her Love You”
• “How to Get Hot Women into Bed”
• “How to Get the Love You Want in 48 Hours”
• “How to Get and Keep a Good Man”

And then I found my favorite book title, “Get Over Yourself!: How to Get Real, Get Serious, and Get Ready to Find True Love.” (I haven’t read the book, but it does sound like it might be worth reading.) Why did this one draw my attention? Because it is one of the few that seems to focus on what really brings love into life – YOU! If you want love in your life then you have to start looking at how you need to be in relationships. Although catchy, the other titles are centered on learning the “tricks of the trade.” Once you have them mastered, you can control and manipulate your way to love. That just does not work!

Get over the idea that love is a gift to which you are entitled or an award you will win if you play the “love game” well. Love isn’t a contest. It isn’t a trophy or honor. It isn’t about manipulating and strategizing encounters and relationships so that you can win a prize. Love is not a prize – Love is a way to live. If you want love in your life then you need to start focusing on what is genuinely important for experiencing love – you learning to live a life of love?

Love is an action word. It is a state of being rather than an emotion. Emotions come and go. Love (when it defines your life) becomes a way of living. When you allow love to define you, it will last forever!

In all of the study and research I have done in the area of love and relationships, the best definition of love I’ve found is in the Bible. The “Love Chapter” (I Corinthians 13:4-13) really lays out the most excellent road map for how to live a life of love. The Bible is loaded with many examples of such guidance and excels at teaching that love’s definition is not that of an emotion, but rather it is a way for each of us to live…

Romans 12:10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

Galatians 5:14 For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Galatians 5:22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness…

Whether you are a Christian or not the Bible will serve you well in your quest of learning about real love. The next time you are interested in bringing more love into your life, begin by examining the thing that will matter most in the dance of love – yourself. Ask yourself…Are you living love? Are you being love? Are you doing love? For only when you start living love will you be ready to recognize real love in others and enjoy the benefits of a relationship based on love.

• “If I was good enough, he/she would love me.”
• “If I don’t do it, the job won’t get done or won’t be done right and people will be disappointed in me.”
• “If I volunteer more at church, I will be liked and respected.”
• “If I wear the latest clothes, I will be more popular with my classmates/co-workers/potential partners/friends.”
• “If I were thinner/more muscular/smarter/funnier he/she would love me.”
• “If my kids are always clean, neat and well behaved, everyone will believe I am a good parent and will respect me more.”
• “I know so much through my experiences, it is my responsibility to pass on this information to everyone whether they think it is important information or not.”
• “If I get the project done ahead of time, everyone will respect me.”
• “If my children are at the top of their class, people will believe I am a great parent and/or I will look good.”
• “If I make sure to get my children to all of the “right” activities rather than taking time for me, everyone will see what a great parent I am by my self-less sacrifices.”
• “If my spouse is always happy, then people will believe we have a great marriage/relationship.”
• “My spouse/significant other will always be happy if I just behave in a certain way and/or provide for their every need.”
• “If we pretend that the abuse isn’t happening, things will work out okay and people will see how great my family is. It is important to keep up appearances.”
• “If I can just avoid saying anything confrontational on the nights my spouse has been drinking then things will be fine.”
• “If I give 120% – one hundred percent of the time, everyone will see this and my life will be perfect.”
• “A job worth doing, is worth doing perfectly.”

All of these statements suggest a strong presence of co-dependent thoughts and behaviors. In all of the above statements there may be the motivation of trying to carry someone’s baggage rather than letting them carry it themselves. It may be a relationship where boundaries blend in too closely with those boundaries of family members, friends, coworkers, fellow students, neighbors, etc. - experiencing a state of being immeshed with others.

All of these examples suggest having control over (trying to manipulate) other peoples’ opinions, thoughts and feelings – being responsible for others. If we have co-dependant attitudes/behaviors, we believe that we are strong and all powerful – we are able to “make someone happy, sad, angry, furious, out of control, elated, content”…the list goes on and on. With co-dependant behaviors/attitudes come the belief that through our actions we control how all other people see us, value us, and respond to us. This is a recipe for potential relationship disaster.

More recently, “co-dependency” has been adapted to help describe the behaviors present in any dysfunctional relationship where one person sacrifices “self” in the hopes of satisfying the personal needs of feeling wanted, desired, loved, valued, etc.  These behaviors are also seen in the dysfunctional families where abuse (emotional, spiritual, physical or sexual) or abandonment is present. Co-dependency is generally used to describe any self-sacrificing, unhealthy behavior patterns which result from dysfunctional relationships from the past or present.  More fuel is then added to the fire when dysfunctional relationship patterns are carried on from one relationship to another. It’s a circular pattern of behavior that is dishonest at its heart and is often destructive for all those involved.

For our discussion, let us embrace and own the idea that having healthy relationships in life is a good thing. To be able to enjoy healthy relationships, we each need to be able to know what healthy relationship looks like.  One of the first steps in identifying healthy relationships is to be able to identify what we do and do not have control over in the relationship process.  The answer to this is quite simple – you only have control over yourself. 

If we understand that we can only control ourselves in relationships, it becomes obvious that this is the starting point - we need to make sure that we bring the best we can be to all of our relationships. What does it mean to be my best?  To learn how to be ”my best self” I need to understand the difference between being responsible for others and being responsible to others.

Everyone carries some baggage from their life’s journey.  Everyone is lugging around some different sized loads – but we all have a load to bear. It is irresponsible for anyone to try and dump their baggage on someone else and equally irresponsible for us to try and carry someone else’s. It is important that we all carry our own load. (I’ve always said, “If we have a heartbeat, we are carrying baggage.  It is how gracefully we carry it that matters.”)

With this baggage carrying analogy, it becomes easier to see that if someone is trying to carry the load of another person the weight can become unbearable (he/she has been dumped on).  While one is feeling over-burdened in the relationship, the other person is experiencing unbridled freedom – no worries or fewer worries. This isn’t a healthy position for either person.

Everyone has their own baggage or burdens to live through and carry. Life is just that way. Things happen on an everyday basis – we all must experience, learn and (hopefully) grow through these experiences - thus becoming more graceful at carrying our own burdens. If we try to carry baggage for another, we really are depriving the person of experiencing his/her life. We are getting in the way of the lessons that are being introduced to them. We are feeling responsible for another’s life – for their happiness – for their success – even for their failures.  That isn’t our job.

The same can be said if we try and get others to carry our life’s baggage. If we keep handing it off and not dealing with it ourselves then we are expecting someone else to be responsible for our lives. We are giving up our power and a fundamental sense of self and freely giving it to someone else. We will miss out on all of the opportunities we are presented to experience, learn and grow as a person. We will never learn how to gracefully walk with our burdens – our baggage. We are not being responsible for our self or our life.

Instead, it is a much more healthy approach to living if we consider ourselves responsible to other people rather than being responsible for other people. Sometimes life dumps a trunk on us and we need genuine help to carry it. It is far too heavy to carry alone. These are times in life that are extra heavy, extra difficult, extra trying. In these cases we are all responsible to ask for help and those of us who are able would be loving and supportive to help others during those times of trial – i.e. illness, death, divorce, natural disaster, abuse, war, etc. These times call for assistance – a temporary sharing of the load that someone has experienced in their life. (That is one of the blessings of relationships.)  To help the person struggling is to be responsible to them – we are there to help, supporting others during difficult times of trial and pain. We are assisting, not trying to carry or control the burden alone. We are helping out for a while until such time as the trial is lifted or it passes.

It is important that each of us learns to carry our own baggage and experience the life lessons that come our way.  It is equally important that we support and love others to carry their loads – and allow them to learn their life lessons.  Healthy love is the key to the co-dependency relationship issues.  We should strive to live a life of love with all of our relationships where kindness, gentleness, grace, support and encouragement are present without trying to take over and control situations or manipulate circumstances in an other’s life.