Philippians 4:4-9

Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

For years, I’ve been encouraging my clients to keep a Beauty Journal – a journal used to physically record all the things that went right in a day.  Why do I think this is an important exercise?  Well, just take a moment and look around you.  How much of your world is full of negativity and sadness, destruction and despair, heart ache and heart brokenness?  These things are everywhere!  They surround us.  And if there aren’t enough of them in your own, personal life the media will make sure that you get your fill.

It is amazing that more people are not swept away in the depths of depression when experiencing this fallen world.  I know that many chose to ignore the pain that surrounds them and they are able to “create” a world that is more comfortable by denying the reality of the world and relationships.  (i.e., “My husband really isn’t physically abusive.  He just had a bad day.”  “My daughter really doesn’t have a drug problem.  She’s just going through a phase.”  “I really do not have a drinking problem.  I just need a drink to relax after work.”  “I really want this new high definition television and paying off the credit won’t take that long.  I work hard, I deserve it.”  “I really don’t work that many hours.  Money is important.  My wife and kids understand.” …)

It is important to develop some honesty when looking at what is going on around you.  Take an honest look and take it in.  The reality of our fallen world is heavy.  But don’t stop there.  I challenge you to look deeper – for the beauty.

In and amongst all that is fallen, God provides so much that is rich and beautiful.  We just often times miss it because of all the negativity that surrounds us.  Did you know that research has revealed that it takes nine positive things to undo the impact of one negative thing on our human psyche?  It is almost as if the negativity in our world has a powerful magnet drawing our attention. It is as if we are automatically pulled to what is negative and the power that the negativity has is 9 times more powerful than a moment of joy.  It is because of this that we must become more proactive in seeking out all that is good.

If we stop looking toward those things that suck the life and  joy out of us and start looking to those things that are “true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable” and claim them as the God-given gifts they are, we would begin to enjoy more moments with God’s peace filling our hearts.  The peace that passes all understanding can be ours…it can be yours!  God has placed all that is beautiful in our world to fill us with the experience of his love.  We must seek out the beauty, claim these things as the gifts they are and hold them in our hearts.

This is where the Beauty Journal comes into play.  The negativity in our lives is a habit of thought.  Change the habit!  Actively seek  out the beauty!  The Beauty Journal is simple.  It only takes three simple steps to complete.  You can handle that!

1) Look for 10 Beautiful Things -

I challenge you to start looking for 10 things a day that bring lightness to your heart, a smile to your face, a peace to your mind.  What are 10 things that are gifts that God is bringing into your day…just 10!  They can be as simple as your car starting with the first turn of the key all the way to something as glorious a beautiful sunrise.  I don’t care what they are…I know they are there.

2) Claim Them As Your Own -

Write them down.  Get a journal (get a piece of paper!) and write them down – EVERYDAY – into your journal.  By writing them down, you are claiming them and making them your own.  Have you ever thought about claiming a sunrise as your own?  If not, why?  God could have made the sunrise without all of the beauty that comes with it.  He could have been practical and just made the sunrise simply functional.  But he didn’t.  He made it beautiful – for you!  He wants you to be reminded about how crazy he is about you!

3) Hold Them In Your Heart -

As you write these 10 things down, day after day, hold them in your heart.  Read the list, every  day!  As you read over the list of gifts that are given and you’ve claimed, the gift of the beauties literally multiplies right in front of your eyes.  You will visually see the power of God’s gifts as reminders of his presence in your life.  As you daily reflect on these gifts and praise God for them, the peace that passes all understanding will fill you.  It can’t help but happen.

What is the catch?  There is one!  You have to be an active participant.  You have to do your part.  God provides the beauty.  You have to experience it.  If someone gives you a beautifully wrapped and carefully selected birthday gift and you never open it – what’s the point?  The same is true with the gifts from God.  You have to do your part and receive them!

You must look for the gifts, claim them as your own and hold them in your heart.  When you do, you may be surprised at how the  negativity in the world loses its power and how the gifts start filling your days and your heart.  It will become a habit to look for these things.  It will become part of you.  God’s love will fill you and you will experience God in every beautiful thing.  From the pen that has ink in it to the awesome show of a lightening display to the song of a bird to the laughter of a baby – God’s love will flow through the gifts he is giving you and the peace that passes all understanding will fill your heart and mind – negativity will have no room!

Change your life – look for God’s gifts of beauty!

I was hungry and you formed a humanity’s club and discussed my hunger, thank you.

I was imprisoned and you crept off quietly to your chapel and

prayed for my release.

I was naked and in your mind you debated the morality of my appearance.

I was sick and you knelt and thanked God for your health.

I was homeless and you preached to me of the love of God.

I was lonely and you left me alone to pray for me.

You seem so holy, so very close to God,

but I am still very hungry and lonely and cold

– thank you.

So, what can we do? 

All we can do is work on our own emotional health.  This post is designed to bring to your awareness a question or a consideration that seems to get in the way of emotionally healthy and happy relationships.  I challenge you to look at the daily additions and see how they apply to the way you are living and growing in your relationships…all of your relationships.  As we challenge ourselves, we can learn to dance the dance of relationships without stepping on each other’s toes! 

Enjoy your journey…

Newest Relationship Thought:

If the cake is bad, what good is the frosting?

Taking care of your heart is a necessity when contemplating the need for good relationships in your life.  Do you like who you are?  When you look in the mirror, who do you see?  (I’m not talking about false self-contempt – for that is a self-esteem issue.)  I’m talking about facing the ingredients that make up the inside of you.  Have you been paying attention?  Are you measuring what you put into your heart and head?  Those ingredients will have a direct impact on how the finished product (you) will be.  Bad stuff in, equals a not-so-hot final product.  Rather than trying to cover up the not-so-hot inside with flashy and fancy distractions, try working on the ingredients that are going into your heart and head each day.

Are you reading trashy novels, watching crime shows, listening to violence-filled music, watching more than 1 hour of news channels a day, hanging out with others who revel in gossip and hate talk, eating fast food, using drugs, watching porn…?  Or are you taking in the beauty of nature, listening to uplifting music, reading the Bible, meditating, exercising, eating healthy foods, spending time with good hearted friends, filling your head and heart with the goodness that is out there if you take time to look for it.

Research indicates that it takes 9 positive things to undo the impact that 1 negative thing has on your heart.  You do the math.  Are you filling your life with negativity or are you actively trying to fill your life with the positives that surround you…if you spend the time soaking them in?

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From the chapter of “Learning to Love Well” in Sexuality and Holy Longing: Embracing Intimacy in a Broken World by Lisa Graham McMinn

 “Sacrificial living and loving empowers and gives voice to the dreams of a spouse, even if they are not one’s own dreams….Smiling at and even finding endearing the nuances and habits of one’s spouse that could otherwise be regarded as annoying or irritating is to live graciously. In doing so, marriage is lived in the freedom of grace where husbands and wives are honest about who they are and can be known and embraced in spite of imperfections.  Coming home at the end of the day is returning to a place of refuge, where two people embrace, listen to, and share the events of the day, both bad and good.  They nurture and accept, and are nurtured and accepted.  Human sexuality, which draws us into consummate communion with another, is expressed in sacrificial loving and living.

The alternative is to live without freedom – fearful of what compromise or giving up control, or even giving too much affirmation, might cost.  Instead of living in grace, couples engage in subtle battles for power, protecting themselves from being taken advantage of.  Fear and habit drive much of our broken ways of relating.  The models we have around us show men and women constantly taking advantage of each other, using each other, leaving each other for someone new.  We are accustomed to seeing couples criticize and work to “fix” each other.  To hang on to what we have; we scrutinize and criticize and control each other, fearful that if we lose control, we will lose some right or something that rightly belongs to us, including our spouse.  We criticize each other for foolish words spoken in public, critique our partner’s driving route from the passenger seat, or nag each other about a shuffling walk or the habit of jingling pocket change.  Coming home means bracing oneself for criticism, for the next report on how one has added to an accumulating list of disappointments.  There is little freedom to relax, to be securely loved for who one is.  Sexuality is distorted and, instead of seeking closeness, couples move apart.  A typical response to living in an unwelcoming or unsafe place is to withdraw, to distance oneself emotionally or physically from the other.”

“The grass is greener on the other side, but it is just as hard to mow.”   It is often tempting to look around and see all that you don’t have – wanting something more, someone different, something ‘better.’  More…Better…Different…just not what you have.  I wonder what would happen if you took a moment and inventoried all you do have.  I wonder what would happen if you took care of your grass – tending to it, trimming, caring, nurturing, feeding it?  Different doesn’t mean better – it is just different – it will stay take work.  Spend a little more time tending to your own grass and maybe it will start looking more wonderful.  The grass may look greener, but it isn’t.  It is just a different shade of green!

“Making excuses doesn’t change the truth.”  The truth can be rather elusive.  Often when facing the truth you are left with the realization that things will change if the truth is accepted.  That can be a frightening proposition.  Without the change, things stay the same and familiar – that is comfortable.  If there is a change, then the unknown must be faced and things will be different – that is uncomfortable.  Where do you turn?  Do you work through your fears of the unknown and move forward toward the truth in growth?  Or do you stay in the familiar of whatever it is that is keeping you from moving ahead toward health?  Your challenge today is to look at the truth.  Face it.  Challenge it.  Explore it.  Then move forward fighting your fear/discomfort of the unknown and celebrate the reality of growth on a personal and relational level that only the truth can provide!

“It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.”  This little quote could be taken down many paths and many directions.  Today, I think I’ll take it down the path of integrity.  People often have a lot to say, but when it comes to walking the way they preach everyone else should walk, they come up short taking a different path.  Do what you say you are going to do.  Make sure you think carefully before you say anything at all.  Then, make sure your actions match your words.  That is integrity in a nutshell.  You will then be a person that others can count on and trust.

“He gives the very best to those who leave the choice with Him.” Sometimes it is difficult giving up your cares and worries.  By holding on to them you experience an artificial sense of control.  When you worry about things, then it feels as if you are doing something about the situation when really all you are doing is expending energy in an unproductive way.   The next time you find yourself worrying about something ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do about this situation?”  If there is, the do it!  If not, it is time to get down on your knees and pray that God will take care of things for you.  Then, let him keep it!  Don’t take it back!  It is prayer time!  God is the absolute best problem solver!  All you have to do is ask for his help.

 “If you are not able to make yourself what you wish, how can you expect to mold another to your will?”  This quote really struck my heart this morning.  I am feeling a bit heavy of heart as a result of the increased number of people who are struggling with abuse and finding their way to my office.  Not a day goes by when I am listening to a heart-breaking story of betrayal, pain, dehumanizing behavior, cruelty and evil!  The pain that is left in the quake of such abusive behavior and talk is heart wrenching.

If everyone would worry more about the kind of person they are and how they are showing love to all the people they interact with each day – especially their families – then I would be out of a job!  What a great prayer! 

My prayer today is that tomorrow I will not be needed.  I pray that all of God’s people stretch themselves to exercise self-control rather than a control of others.  That they strive to build others up rather than trying to tear them down.  That they open their hearts and minds to the unconditional love of Christ and realize His presence in peace, joy and love.  Then, I will not be needed as  a therapist…then God’s love will be flowing and my joy will be immeasurable as I embrace my state of unemployment!

“People do not fail, they give up trying.”  I have noticed many couples who tire of the relationship dance.  If I had a nickel for every time someone said, “Relationships shouldn’t be this much work!” I would feel like I had won the lottery!  I wonder why some people believe that relationships aren’t worth the effort?  These are the people in your life with whom you share memories, traditions, your heart, your hurts, your dreams…why isn’t he/she worth your time and effort.  Why isn’t this priority reflected in the effort you give to it?

 I understand that with the ups and downs in life, relationships can sometimes be exhausting.  But isn’t that exactly why we are in these relationships?  To share the ups and (especially) the downs?  As we move through life, the sharing of these things (when done right) brings a richness and depth to life that surpasses so much of our expectations.

 The only time I think a relationship is broken enough to leave is if someone has already left the relationship.  In the case of abuse, adultery, emotional infidelity, addictions, etc. a person is often working on the relationship all by himself/herself.  In those cases, it is difficult to work through problems unless there is true repentance.  I find that many who find themselves in these types of situations fight to even convince their partner to care.  In those cases, I do not believe a person is giving up.  Then, it becomes preservation of the self that God has gifted to you. 

“To belittle is to be little.”  Gossip and put downs really shed a light more on the person speaking than the person being discussed.  Watch your words.  Understand your motives.  Contemplate your heart.  Sticks and stone do break bones and words do hurt – a lot!  Make sure you shine brighter with a heart free of the burden of gossip, judgment and criticism. 

“The peace within becomes the harmony without.”  Inner peace is one of the best things you could bring into your relationships.  Our world is so full of ‘busy’ and stressors that finding a moment to be quiet and breathe is difficult unless you are intentional.  God tells us of how important it is to “remember the Sabbath” and that we need to “be still” and know that he is God.  These loving instructions direct us to the importance of shutting off the business of our daily lives and to focus a moment on our creator and the truth of love he so graciously gives.  God knows that the inner peace he provides removes all of the stressors in life, renewing our hearts and minds.  When you are freed from stress, you don’t bring so much baggage to your relationships.  Your relationships will then be filled with much more harmony, peace, joy and love.

“Be careful how you live; you may be the only Bible some people read.”  Need I say more?!

“If there is anything better than to be loved, it is loving.”  People often visit my counseling office because they long for more love in their life.  They experience a profound hurt as a result of the void they genuinely feel.  It is amazing however, how much of the void can be filled if you just turn your focus from getting love to giving love.  When you take time to learn to love yourself as God loves you, the automatic result is a bubbling up of this love from inside of you.  It can’t help but spill out all over everyone else.  I guarantee you will be ‘feeling’ more love!

Good self-esteem is when you learn to love yourself the way God loves you.  He sees you – all of you – the good and the not-so-good parts.  He sees all of you and still loves you passionately.  So much so, that He can’t get enough of you.  You know, since this is God’s love for you, what makes you think your opinion of yourself is more important than His?  When you can love all of yourself and take care of yourself that way, you will then enjoy the benefits of a good self-esteem – God’s genuine love for you!

“I should know myself better if there were not so many of me.”  Does changing the hats of your different relationships cause you stress?  That can be the case if you aren’t careful about making sure that your true character never changes from one role to another.  Mother, father, co-worker, manager, teacher, leader, sister, brother, son, daughter, lover, friend…you should always be a person of integrity and character.  Then changing your hats becomes much easier because you are not changing “YOU.”

“Consider wherein you agree with your opponent rather than wherein you differ.“  You can sometimes become so focused on your own thoughts, feelings and position that you fail to be able to see a point of compromise.  Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.  Standing there, you may find that you have something valuable to learn.  At that point the middle ground will become easier to see.

“As long as man stands in his own way, everything seems to be in his way.”  How many times do you sabotage your life and relationships with behaviors that are contrary to your values, goals, dreams…?  Do you know what baggage you are bringing into your relationships?  If not, you better figure it out so that you don’t start tripping all over it and getting in your own way!  I’ve always said, “If you have a heartbeat, you have baggage.  To live happily in your relationships, you better learn how to carry your baggage gracefully!”

“Happiness is not a reward – it is a consequence.”  Wow!  This one really says a lot!  To be happy is a consequence of living your life deliberately with purpose and meaning and focus on your relationships.  When living with integrity and commitment, then your relationships will be much more complete and happiness will be the result.  True happiness is always found in relationships – “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.’ And, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” That describes the ultimate happiness – it says it all!

 ”Sing your song and your whole heart will be in the singing.”  It is amazing how great life can be when you live your life with purpose.  Days are often times smoother, nights are often filled with better sleep and relationships are often times more fulfilling because your needs are being met on your own.  So…what is your purpose?  Your “sweet spot?”  Your personal song to sing?  Get in touch with your passions.  God filled your heart with passion for things that may be a hint as to what your personal song is all about.

“The brightest blaze of intelligence is of less value than the smallest spark of charity.”  Sometimes it seems that people can fill their head with a lot of knowledge and a lot of information with the hopes that they will experience a full life.  Although ‘knowing’ is a good thing, feeling and experiencing relationships and connections are much more fulfilling.  Are you investing yourself, time and energy in your relationships?

When my day is going badly, how do I let others know?  Do I scowl?  Do I yell?  Do I throw things?  Do I pick fights?  Do I sulk?  Do I retreat and avoid anyone else?  Or do I kindly share that I had a very stressful day.  Telling my loved ones that it isn’t anything about them, but rather how things went during my day.  Then, ask them for forgiveness and grace as I need to put myself in time-out.

Integrity – Do my words and actions match?  Am I living a life of integrity where “do what I say and not what I do” is a phrase I never need?  Do I walk the walk or am I only talking the talk?

Every relationship is my opportunity to bring God’s love into the world today.  Today, I will take a bit of time to honestly learn about myself and especially myself through the eyes of others.  Am I living true, in a way I can feel good about what the world sees through me?

Honesty – Some of the most difficult truth to bring into light is being honest about myself.  Am I genuine about who I am and what I do?  Am I open to hearing loving criticism in search of self-growth and relationship repair?  Do I know myself well enough that I can communicate my needs with love and grace?  Am I self-aware enough to let down my guard so I can hear what you have to share with me?  If not, I need to spend a little time with myself and figure out what is going on in my head and heart.

Humor – Can you laugh at yourself?  When you make a mistake, a slip-up or generally just look silly, can you laugh about it?  Or is your humor centered on making someone else the focus of your laughter?  If so, you may be hurting your relationships.  Laughing at someone is different than laughing with them.  This is definitely a case where it is important to follow – not lead.  Unless, of course, you are laughing at yourself!

Tolerance – often times, my intolerance is as a result of my own unresolved hurts, fears or challenges.  To be tolerant means that I give up these things and I become open to the fact that others have ideas, thoughts and beliefs that may be different from my own.  It doesn’t mean that I have to agree with another’s position.  It just means that I give up the need to be “right” and my hurts, fears and challenges do not move me to judge or criticize others for their ideas, thoughts and beliefs. 

Faithful – Commitment is an important part of relationship.  Am I consistently trustworthy and loyal to others?  How about to myself?  Am I firm in my beliefs or do I waiver, giving into the pressures of culture, friends, co-workers and/or family?  Being firm in my beliefs does not mean imposing them on others.  It means living my life with integrity where my actions match my words so that others can count on me for consistency of character.

Forgiveness – I need to give up the need to change the past and the people in my life.  When I hold on to the hurts and the hopes, wanting relationships to be different than they are, the pain in my heart continues.  To forgive does not mean I forget. The hurt still happened – I cannot change that.  Forgiveness does not mean reuniting.  I do not have to open my heart to further pain.  Rather, forgiveness means that I give up my right to see justice and healing today.  It means that I can accept where people are and I am willing to move forward with or without them.  I may still have grieving to work through, but I will free my heart from the pain of bitterness and anger.

Insight – I need to learn about myself so that I am more aware of how my behavior and choices have an impact on my daily relationships.  What am I bringing to the table of relationship?  What do I say and do that gets in the way of genuine love and care?  As I know more about what I bring to the table, I am able to set “me” aside to be open to hearing you.  When I hear you, I am open to being more present in our relationship.

Hope – Life is often times very difficult and challenging.  Sometimes the heaviness of the realities in our world seem overwhelming.  How do I stay focused on the reality of hope?  How do I work through my struggles?  Am I sharing hope with others in my life or am I contributing to the heaviness?

Sensitivity –  Do I pay attention to those I come in contact with everyday?  Do I try to be aware?  I know I can’t read anyone’s mind, but I can recognize a tear, a frown, a worried look, a smile, a brightness in their eyes…  When I see these things, how do I show them that I care?

Can I be happy for someone else when good things come their way?  Or, am I filled with envy, regret and irritation that it isn’t me enjoying the blessing?

Empathy – Is compassion experienced in my heart.  I may not know what is like to lose a child to cancer, but I know sorrow.  I may not know what it is like to be abused by a loved one, but I know fear.  I may not know what it is like being abandoned in love, but I do know pain.  When someone I care about is experiencing the heaviness of life, do I engage my heart and join them for a while?

Patience – When I take the time to see others with an eye of compassion, I am able to be more patient.  When I take the time to see others with an eye of care, I am able to be more patient.  When I take the time to see others with an eye of thoughtfulness, I am able to be more patient.  But, when I see others only through the lens of my experiences, I set expectations that are usually impossible for them to meet and my patience seems to disappear.  What am I expecting from others today which may be getting in the way of me patiently meeting them where they are and seeing them for who they are?

Seeking Justice – Life isn’t fair.  I know that!  But, what am I doing about it?  Am I actively looking and seeking for ways that I can bring a little more justice into the world?  When I see injustice in my everyday life, do I call it what it is?  Do I act upon it?  Or, do I sit back and watch – hoping no one will notice and maybe it will just go away!  “I can’t get involved…I don’t live there…it doesn’t concern me…it isn’t any of my business…what goes on in their house is their business…” can be poisonous words when someone needs our help.  Do I seek justice for others, especially if they need power or a voice?

Kindness – Kindness is made up of many good things…compassion, thoughtfulness, gratitude, generosity, gentleness, concern, regard, respect, tenderness, etc.  It is what pours out of me when I am eager to show another that they are loved and that I care. 

Gratitude – Am I grateful for the lessons of my life?  Do I look to the past and feel regret or have I held myself up in an honest reflection, looking, taking ownership and growing with all the lessons I have had the opportunity to learn?

Peace – Am I experiencing peace of heart, mind and body?  Peace is realized when we can rest in the reality that we aren’t in control of very much at all.  Peaceful existence translates into peaceful relationships.  Am I bringing peace to the table of my relationships?

The grass is always greener…I am exactly where I need to be right at this moment.  I do have dreams, goals, desires…but I do not spend all of my time worrying how I will get there.  I also do not live fretting about my past and living my life with regret.  I’ve studied then learned the lessons as life has presented them.  I do not spend all of my days looking over the fence at the color of my neighbor’s grass.  It is beautiful and very green, too.  It is a slightly different shade of green, but it needs to be water, mowed and weeded just like mine.

Am I a human being or a human doing?  How can I expect to experience loving relationships if I am living a busy, hectic, scattered, worried, frazzled, unsettled life?  Instead of always trying to do, maybe it is time for me to just be.

Perseverance – Things that happen to me will change me, but only God defines me.  Is there someone in my life that I am allowing to define me through their actions or words?  Do I allow this encounter to bring me down?  Or am I focusing on what I know to be true – God’s unconditional love for me?

Am I able to give my love with no expectations?  Or, when I love are there strings attached making my love conditional?  When God’s love fills my heart there are no conditions.  I am then free to love without fear or hesitation because the greatest love is already mine. 

Humor – There is a difference between making a good joke about myself or using someone else as my target.  Humor is a funny thing!  If I am not careful, I could hurt someone and then is it really all that funny?

Love your neighbor as yourself. Do you love yourself? If not, how much love is really going on? Is there a difference between self-love and being selfish? When we begin to see ourselves as God does (both the good and bad), love can’t help but fill us, bubbling up and spilling out to all we meet.

Self-control – Do I enjoy a peaceful balance between what I can control and what I cannot control?  Am I exercising self-control instead of trying to control others?

Honesty –  Am I being honest in my relationships?  I don’t mean just speaking the truth (although that is important) but am I being my genuine, honest self?  Do people see who I really am in my daily actions and behavior?

When was the last time someone saw the love of Jesus’ my eyes?

How do I handle it when someone’s opinion is different than mine?  Anger?  Frustration?  Irritation?  Annoyance?  Intrigue?  Curiosity?  Excitement?  Joy?

God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son…in my little corner of the world, what has loved inspired me to do lately?

If someone is driving me crazy, why am I letting him/her have control of the steering wheel?

A healthy relationship can only be as healthy as the least healthy person.  Which one are you?

“When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth.  I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.  And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.  May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”

Love

Human’s love – left to its own – is so incomplete.  You can say you love, but on your own you will fall short of fully realizing the power of love.  You cannot entirely love by your own power.  You cannot completely love by your own initiative.  You cannot experience love’s power by your own determination.  You – alone – cannot wholly love.

It is only when God’s love fills you that you can even begin to experience the real power of love.  As you learn to open your heart to the love of Christ, you can then begin to see a glimpse of what true love looks like.  When your heart is over flowing with God’s love – then and only then – will you be able to begin wrapping your brain around the gift of love.  And this understanding will just barely scratch the surface of love’s full potential.

When Christ’s love is experienced, everything else pales in comparison.  It is only then that you can begin to realize your shortcomings when attempting to love.  You can say you love, but without the power of Divine love your love is fragile and incomplete.  You cannot even begin to open your heart to the genuine vulnerability needed to truly love another if you do not first rest in the arms of God’s love. 

Your love does not have what it takes to withstand the pains and struggles of this world.  Without God’s absolute love you cannot withstand the harshness of your life.  You will build up walls to protect what feels so fragile.  You will erect defenses in attempt to keep your heart from being too vulnerable, too open, too exposed, from breaking.  Without the gift of Jesus, you cannot begin to feel the inner peace needed to fully be open to the power of all-embracing love.  This love is the only real stronghold needed to survive this earthly life.  It is the bread of life.

God has created you to long for the depth of the love that only he can provide.  He knows it is all you really need.  No matter what joy you experience in life, you will always hunger and thirst for something more.  You will search for a love to touch the depth of your soul and satisfy the meaning of your life.  Unless you look to the cross, you will always feel as if you come home from this search empty handed. 

Without Christ in your heart, your attempts at love will be as if you are trying to hold a bucket of water in your hands.  The water will pour through your fingers and all that you will be left holding is dampness.  There will be enough moisture for you to know that the water is wet, but not enough water will be present to quench your thirst.  You will be left with the unsettledness that implores you to move on in your search.

Do you want your thirst satisfied?  Then drink of the living water of Christ.  As all lovers do of each other, desire to know him as he already knows you.  He knows the number of hairs on your head…he knew your name before we were born…he made all of your delicate, inner parts of your body and knitted you together in your mother’s womb…how intimate is his knowledge of you.  He knows you like no other and loves you deeply and forever.  Long to find out everything you can about him.  Search out and learn about the ultimate love of your life.  His heart longs for our love to be given freely, openly and trustingly to him.  Know your lover, the ultimate lover, Christ your Lord.

It is only when you can begin to experience the promise of the Cross that you will begin to experience all that love promises.  Christ, the ultimate lover, is your teacher.  He is your guide on this journey of love.  It is through him and only him that you will be able to experience the peace that passes all understanding which is the ultimate realization of love here on earth.

When God’s love fills you, it can’t help but bubble up inside of you and overflow into the world.  It is only then that you will begin to understand “how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.”  It is only then that you will truly be able to experience love in our broken world.  It is only then that the power of love will transform you into the image of Jesus Christ.  You will then be love!

 ² Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. ³ For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

 ¹⁶ That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. ¹⁷ For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! ¹⁸ So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. 

 Have you ever watched a goldfinch fly? 

Not just fly by your immediate range of sight, but rather watch it in flight.  I had the opportunity to enjoy goldfinch watching this summer and I am delighted at the joy those little yellow birds shared with me.

The goldfinch flies in a pattern much like a scalloped edge on some fabric finishes.  It will flap its wings and fly up, up, up.  When it reaches a high point, it will stop flapping and swoop down for a small time until it reaches the bottom of the scallop.  Then, it starts flapping again.  And so the swooping continues. 

Over and over again, the goldfinch appears to be dancing a delightful dance which in many ways replicates the way our lives flow – up and down, up and down.  After a struggle up hill (with lots of work and energy) we often enjoy the ‘swoop’ on the downside of those climbs.  Riding the ride and swooping with joy at the relief of an opportunity to catch our breath. 

Then, after enjoying the ride of the swoop, life happens again.  We find ourselves facing the fact that if we don’t start working again we will crash.  So, it becomes important to start flapping again.  We encounter a new uphill struggle and start our climb once again.  Up and down, over and over again is this journey of living our lives.

But, here is where we could really embrace a life lesson from our neighbor, the goldfinch.  Every time the goldfinch starts flapping, it does so in song.  As it flaps its wings, it sings.  (I promise it does!  I watched them all summer!)  It swoops and then starts singing and flapping…over and over again.  Swoop…sing and flap…swoop…sing and flap – up and down – time and time again.

I wonder…is the goldfinch pleading for inner strength as it works at flying on the up side of that swoop, or is it praising God for having the opportunity to once again work for the upcoming swoop?  Maybe it is a little bit of both!

When you experience your next up hill life struggle, remember the goldfinch in flight.  When we have faith and love in our Savior, he promises his faithfulness as we climb the struggles we face.  He will help provide strength if we feel ours is depleted – we just need to ask and praise him for the challenge.  In Christ is the promise and hope of a great, fun and wonderful upcoming swoop!

As for love…you can learn to love and experience the ‘feeling’ of love as you heal your heart from past and present times of hurts and disappointments.  As you move towards healing from hurts, you will begin to build a door to your heart that you can then realize you control.  You can open it and close it as you need.  Shutting it to protect your heart and opening it when you want to let love out…for you see…that is where you begin to love.  That is how you learn to become vulnerable without fearing becoming a victim.

God’s love is yours and it is in you now.  Your hurts keep you from fully experiencing the joy of that love as you do not feel it is yours to experience.  So…continue the work of healing from hurts and learning how to let down your feelings of inadequacy where God’s love is concerned…then his love is experienced in your heart and all of a sudden you are ‘feeling’ love. 

When God’s love is experienced in your life, it can’t help but bubble up and spill out of you into the world around you.  Love is something that almost takes on a life of its own.  It moves, flows and surrounds you when you are willing to open your life to experience the gift of God’s love.  It is unconditional, unrelenting, never ending…it is always there and always honest…you do not have to do anything to ‘earn’ it.  Learn to let it be yours…

Read and study 1 Corinthians 13.  Paul writes how wonderful the gift of love is when we model our lives to live it.  When you begin to work on bringing more love into your life – you need to understand that it begins with you living love.  Paul tells us what that looks like.  Live love, then love will come flowing into your world. 

Being single myself, I know that sometimes I feel the void of affection in my world.  Sometimes I long for a touch, a hug, the all-knowing smile.  But, that it is affection – not necessarily love for which I hunger.  Affection is important but is different from love.  Affection is a result of being with someone who knows how to live love.  But it is important to remember that a life of love can be experienced no matter if I am married or single.

Love is how to live life.  Are you patient, kind, selfless, justice seeking?  Love is a way for you to live, not something for you to feel.  When experiencing affection, you can sometimes experience the ‘feeling’ of love.  But, when in the presence of a person who has been mean, abusive, absent from relationship – even if affection is shown, a ‘feeling’ of love may not be experienced.  To really experience love in life it is important to learn the difference between affection and love.  I know…it is easier said than done.  But the journey needs to begin with what you give – not what you receive.

Try living love today…see what happens in your world when you model living a day of love as we are called to live in 1 Corinthians 13.  It is yours!

I personally find I Corinthians 13 especially helpful for all who long for more love in life.  If you really are eager to experience God-like love, then this is the road-map to follow.  You cannot expect healthy love to come into your life until you learn what it looks like and how to love others and yourself in a healthy way.  Yes, you must learn how to live a life of love in order for you to experience love completely. 

I have taken Kelsey’s outline provided in his book and have expanded upon it slightly.

Love is…

Patient - 

Enduring trials and bearing pain calmly; can wait until the time is good; never gives up; is never picky or demanding; does not have expectations of others; deals without defensiveness with conflict and criticism even when things seem unfair; chooses actions rather than reactions to emotions; understands and appropriately respects personal boundaries in self and others.

Kind -

Is thoughtful; has a gentle, helpful, considerate nature; is empathetic, compassionate; gracious; merciful; worthy; good; useful; understanding and affectionate where it is proper.

Attentive –

Listens to others with patience; hearing what a person says and doesn’t say; sees the value of others and of the Holy Spirit who dwells in them; does not place value judgments on other’s stories; knows that only as we listen to others and share their burdens can we bring healing to them.

Consoling –

Recognizes the pain of grief and sorrow of others and reaches out to them where they are at; is therefore compassionate to them; is willing to be with suffering, dying, bereaving people without needing to hurry along their journey of grief.

Confident –

Is not jealous, envious or possessive and is not fearful of losing the affection and concern of others or of God; is friendly to all, no matter what the circumstances; is secure in the knowledge that all will be well in the end.

Modest –

Is not boastful; not overbearing; not given to excessive pride; is not pompous or snobbish; reserved; unobtrusive and discreet; does not wish to be showy or to be the center of attention; is not a wind bag.

Humble –

Is not arrogant or proud; not overly convinced of one’s own importance; treats all others as human beings of equal value; knows all of us have sometimes failed; is not pushy or forceful with one’s opinion; is not judgmental or condemning of others.

Gracious –

Is never rude; is tolerant of the attitudes and feelings of others; does not behave offensively or in an unseemly manner; is not ill-mannered; is polite, courteous and proper; is civil.

Considerate –

Is yielding, compliant and flexible (respecting and understanding boundaries); thoughtful; accommodating; willing and able to listen; does not insist on or persist in pressing for or demanding one’s own way; is compromising; does not have expectations; is not selfish, self-seeking or self-centered.

Good-natured -

Is not easily stirred up to wrath; not irritable; not easily angered; not touchy, ill-tempered or easily provoked; not easily annoyed or exasperated; is easygoing; does not lose one’s head.

Forgiving –

Pardons the faults of others while honoring personal boundaries; does not have outbursts of rage; keeps no record of wrong even on oneself; is not resentful or hostile; is not inclined to feel bitterness or resentment; does not hold grudges; sees no human being as faultless; does not keep a tally of evils, injuries and nastiness.

Joyful –

Has joy in the righteous and kind; delights in the holy and is open to experiencing God’s truth; is jubilant when good appears; exalts in song and praise and love, never rejoices in the wrong, ugly or devious; is never happy about those who suffer evil or injustice; never delights in the hurts of others.

Playful –

Is merry (as if always celebrating the great cosmic drama of Christmas); does not take oneself too seriously; enjoys a playful interchange with human beings; is never afraid of laughing at oneself; never celebrates darkness, depression and dejection; is not sarcastic or does not make jokes at someone else’s expense.

Forbearing –

Puts up with and bears difficulties; persists when all seems hopeless; bears up under rejection; does not take personally the faults of others; keeps confidences and does not gossip; does not judge; does not complain about hardships; is tenacious in the face of evil or adversity.

Believing –

Trusts and accepts the truth; is open-minded to new truth; has a firm conviction that a loving Creator has made our universe and all of us; is always hoping to find truthfulness and goodness in others; does not project faults on others; is not overly doubtful or suspicious.

Hopeful –

Is encouraging; nurturing ; always expects the best in others (without being naïve or neglecting personal boundaries); looks forward to healthy goals with expectations of fulfillment; never expects the worst nor is happy with pessimism; is expectant; looks for the good in this world and the world to come; foresees the good.

Fair –

Is honest and strives to live a life of integrity (where one’s actions match his/her words); respects justice without demanding it in his/her time; takes a stand against prejudice, inequality, discrimination and unfairness.

Enduring –

Is faithful and steadfast; carries through in spite of difficulties and hardships; is respectful of fear, moving through it rather than stuck in it; stands firm when others flee; never gives up hope for self, others or the world; waits with solid confidence for God’s help.

Endless –

Is eternal; goes on forever, world without end; is unconditional; endures without limit; never ends; is divine, holy, Godlike; never drifts off course; never fails, loses or weakens in one’s conviction of love.

The stress-filled time of the holidays is officially upon us.  Just last week while I was checking out the post-Halloween candy sale isle in the local discount store, I overheard two women lamenting on the length of their Christmas shopping lists.  I was saddened that these two women were already consumed with thoughts of Christmas shopping even though it was only the first week of November.

As I turned the corner and went to the next ‘seasonal’ isle, I became very aware of why they had been lamenting.  The Christmas tree display was up and twinkling and the isles that once were full of costumes and candy were now full of ornaments, lights, wreaths, wrapping paper, garland, stockings, etc.  And to think that I was planning on buying an autumn mum that day!  No such luck!  Where the mums had been displayed a week before, there were now wonderful red poinsettias.  How did I miss the autumn mums on November 2nd!?  Could I find any holiday napkins and plates for Thanksgiving Day?  No!  They were gone, too – replaced by napkins with snowmen, trees, poinsettias, etc.  I was too late for Thanksgiving?!  Don’t even get me started on the television and mail order industries!

It really is beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!

Stress Triggers

The holidays, under the best of circumstances, start triggering excessive stress.  It is undeniable.  When we start thinking of ‘family time’ and holiday schedules blood pressures usually begin to rise, almost immediately.  (Can you feel the tension tighten in your neck just as you read this?) 

Holiday stress is much more common than people realize.  As a matter of fact, November 1st brings about the busiest time of year for most mental health professionals.  Our calendars will be pretty full from now through the end of February.  The primary request is almost always the same, “Jackie, please help me mentally prepare for the agony of family time/holiday schedules/dwindling money.  I just don’t know how to handle _____!”  (You fill in the name of the family members, party, friends, obligations, etc.)

I anticipate that the stress of the holidays will seem a little more overwhelming this year.  With the war, the economy, the possible (or realized) lack of job security…our Stress Platter is pretty full already and we’veonly just begun.  Add to the above the historical button pushing that our family members are famous for and our cup will runneth over with the stress experience.  We, as a society and individually, are on overload.  It is too much stress for any one person to handle. 

12 Stress Management Tips

I have come up with a list of 12 simple stress management techniques that (if you practice them) will help you manage what otherwise may seem like too much.  Remember (and this is important)…you have to use these tips in order for them to work.

1) Stay focused on the reason for the season. 

Between now and New Year’s Eve, focus on why we are celebrating at all this time of year.  

Thanksgiving was first designed as a celebratory way to give thanks to God for the gifts experienced in the new land of freedom.  It wasn’t an easy life.  Actually, it was a difficult and hard life, but the pilgrims gathered to give thanks to God for all they had been given.  “And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”  (Ephesians 5:20)

Christmas is an opportunity to celebrate the birth of our Savior who paid the price of our sins.  “God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.” (John 3:17)  God brought salvation and peace through the birth of Christ.  WOW!  A time that was originally given to us to celebrate our salvation turned into a high-stress season?!  We added the pressure of gifts, holiday gatherings and parties, and disappointed expectations – that was never part of the original package.  We sure messed up a good thing there!

New Year is the final in the celebration trio.  To many people, the new year represents the gift of new opportunities or a time to start living true to how God directs them to live.  This gift is not designed to add more stress into the new year, but rather to bring hope and a reminder that God is still here.   “Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.”  (Hebrews 10:36)

2) Breathe!!!!

One of the top stress relievers is learning to physically relax.  Take time to talk your body out of the stress mode and relax you muscles and your mind.  Spend time in quite prayer and meditation.  “Be still and know I am God.”  (Psalm 46:10)

3) Simplify and learn to say, “No.” 

How many trees do you need to put up and how many decorations do you really need to display?  Take a look at your calendar, prioritize and then erase EVERYTHING that you can cut out from the obligation of the season.  “No” is sometimes difficult to say.  But learn that it may be one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal against stress.  Say “no” to over obligating yourself and then take time to smell the pine! 

4) Under-spend! 

Take a look at your shopping/wish lists.  How much do you really need to buy and/or get as gifts?  Maybe you and your peeps can get together andadopt a less fortunate family…feed or clothe the homeless…give to those more in need.  Then, your family celebration can consist of a genuine thanksgiving of all that you enjoy and have surrounding you and you won’t have to worry about how you will pay for everything when January rolls around.

5) Send out E-Cards and go green.  

A subscription to a good greeting card website will not only save you time and money, but it will also save the world a lot of trees and energy.

6) Be flexible. 

There is a lot of stress experienced by families, blended families and in families with adult children juggling their in-law family activities.  Lighten up and spread out the good cheer.  Who says that Thanksgiving can only be celebrated on a Thursday in November and that a Christmas dinner is less wonderful on December 18th?!   Be flexible in your celebration planning and who knows…you may have a longer, more fulfilling, less stressful season.

7) Be proactive against loneliness.  

For many people, the holidays serve as a painful reminder that they are not in a significant relationship and loneliness can seem overwhelming.  If this happens to be you, then you need to step up to the plate of self care and fill your time with other people.  Volunteer at a shelter, your church, call some other single friends, host a holiday potluck, etc.

8) Take care of yourself! 

Get enough sleep, exercise and eat a healthy – balanced diet.  The more healthy and rested you are, the more stress you will be able to comfortably handle.

9) Let go of your expectations. 

To many, the holidays represent a time to mourn the loss of unmet expectations – either of ourselves or others.  Examine those expectations and then evaluate how important it is to keep holding on to them.  Sometimes, by letting go, we free ourselves to enjoy the people we do have in our lives and the happiness we can experience with them.  Don’t let unmet expectations get in the way of you enjoying all of the wonderfulness you do have to celebrate.

10) Guard your buttons. 

It is important to remember they are your buttons.  People can only push them if you let them.  Know from where your buttons originate and then keep them in carefully under guard.  Most of the time, we allow our buttons to be pushed based on memories of when we were young rather than how things need to be today.  You are an adult now, so don’t let people get to your buttons!

11) Lighten Up!

Sometimes when stress fills our waking hours we just need to havea good belly laugh.  Laughter really is the best medicine.  When we laugh, our brain responds in kind by releasing chemicals that bring a sense of well-being and joy into our day.  So, when all else seems to be too much to handle, find something fun and funny and enjoy!

12) Live Love. 

I Corinthians 13paints a beautiful portrait of what living love looks like.  Make sure you are bringing your loving self to every relationship (even with strangers) this holiday season.  Start everyday with the following prayer based onI Corinthians 13…

Heavenly Father,

 Please help me begin and liveeach day with love.  My prayer today andthroughout this holiday season is that I may approach all of my relationships (even withstrangers) as you would want me to, with love.  Please help me be more patient, kind, humble, polite, compromising, tolerant, even-tempered, forgiving, justice seeking, honest, perseverant, faithful, hopeful and tolerant.  With these love skills, I know that the gift of love that you haveshared with all through your grace will bubble up inside of me and spill out toward all the world.  Help me free my heart of all previous hurts andpains so that I may share with all my friends and family the love that will create a sense of joy in this holiday season and prayerfully throughout the New Year.  In your loving son’s name I pray…Amen!

I love this verse from Psalm133.  I feel uplifted just reading it.  When I spend time thinking about it, my heart is filled with hope and joy.  It is a wonderful and pleasant thought to think of us all living in harmony!  Merriam-Webster defines “harmony” (beyond the musical definition) as, ” an internal calm”  or “a pleasing or congruent arrangement of parts” or ” an interweaving of different accounts into a single narrative.”  Take any one of these definitions and tuck it into Psalm 133:1 and a beautiful picture comes to mind.

I haven’t given up hope of the possibility of living in harmony on this earth.  I know that is possible, but only if everyone desires the same harmony.  I cannot make other’s aspire to live this way – but I certainly can pray for that to happen.  In the meantime, there are things that I can do to work on my own harmonious contribution.

Internal Calm

First, how well do I practice living a life of harmony?  Am I bringing to the table of relationships an ”internal calm?”  Do I spend time with myself, my emotions and God to bring about a peace that only God can provide?  Or, am I reacting to the emotions that bubble up in me everyday? 

I must admit, I am not as good at choosing an action to my emotions as I wish I could be.  I know that sometimes my reactions are nothing more than a knee-jerk behavior which more times than not will leave me feeling out of control.  If instead, I pray and carefully consider an action in response, then I am exercising the only thing in life that I have control over and that is myself.  In order for me to experience an internal calm, I need to exercise self-control and choose appropriate actions examined through lenses of compassion and grace.  Lighten up, Jackie!

Pleasing Arrangement of Parts

Next, am I helping to create a “pleasing or congruent arrangement of parts?”   What does that look like?  Who gets to define that arrangement?  Often times I find myself looking for something to fill my life with happiness and joy.  If I feel a void in my heart, then I go looking in any and all directions for something to fill that empty place.  I really need to let go of this quest and understand that the real answer is already waiting for me – and that is the grace and love of Christ. 

I recently was turned on to an author that combines my two favorite topics into delightful reading material.  Morton Kelsey writes about religion and psychology in an almost poetic prose.  Although a heavy read and quite philosophical, it is delightful reading for those of us that groove on these two areas of study.  Dr. Kelsey writes in his book, The Other Side of Silence , ” First of all, such love is not created by our own effort.  It happens when we allow the love discovered inwardly, through meditation and ritual, to pour out through our deeds as Paul describes in I Corinthians 13.  It takes discipline and fortitude to allow this healing spring to continue to bubble up in us.  Allowing love to work through us takes some doing, but is far more certain than relying on our own efforts.”

Think about it…to open our hearts to the reality of God’s love for us, fills us to such a depth that we cannot keep the love inside.  God’s love will bubble up in us and through us to others.  It pours out of us because it can’t be contained!  Can you imagine living your life with such an over flowing heart, filled with so much love that you couldn’t help but spill it out - all over?!  Now that is a “pleasing arrangement of parts!”

A Single Narrative – Love

The word picture of love bubbling up naturally spills over into the third definition of harmony, an ”interweaving of different accounts into a single narrative.”  I want you to close your eyes for a moment and just picture it…what would the world look like if everyone allowed God’s love to flow into their hearts?  Everyone would be experiencing such joy that their cups would literally runneth over and love would be spilling around on and to everyone.  The interweaving of these streams of love would bubble up into a narrative of contentment, joy, peace, kindness – all that could be good in the world!  This picture fills my heart with hope and joy.  It is what God and His love is all about.  It is really all we need!

So, I begin today with this picture in mind – God’s love flowing into my heart, bubbling up and spilling in harmony to all.  That is what I can do about living in harmony!  I can allow God’s love to fill my heart, and then I can joyfully allow it to flow throughout my day and into the world through my actions, attitudes, and words.  I can choose to live a life of love!  Care to join me?

Then why am I so afraid to be vulnerable?

To know peace is to understand that I am safe on this journey.

Yet, to know that the door to my soul has been opened leaves me exposed and afraid.

To open up – to discuss – to expose my heart…I am frightened.

To walk through the open door will change my life’s story.

The door leads to a new direction, a new chapter, a new…what?

The destination is secondary to the knowledge and understanding that tomorrow will never be the same as today.

The door is open and calling to me.

Shall I see where it leads?

Do I trust God’s guidance, strength and promise?

Do I fully accept that tomorrow will bring a ‘new’ that I need not fear?

Yes!  God is there before me.