As for love…you can learn to love and experience the ‘feeling’ of love as you heal your heart from past and present times of hurts and disappointments.  As you move towards healing from hurts, you will begin to build a door to your heart that you can then realize you control.  You can open it and close it as you need.  Shutting it to protect your heart and opening it when you want to let love out…for you see…that is where you begin to love.  That is how you learn to become vulnerable without fearing becoming a victim.

God’s love is yours and it is in you now.  Your hurts keep you from fully experiencing the joy of that love as you do not feel it is yours to experience.  So…continue the work of healing from hurts and learning how to let down your feelings of inadequacy where God’s love is concerned…then his love is experienced in your heart and all of a sudden you are ‘feeling’ love. 

When God’s love is experienced in your life, it can’t help but bubble up and spill out of you into the world around you.  Love is something that almost takes on a life of its own.  It moves, flows and surrounds you when you are willing to open your life to experience the gift of God’s love.  It is unconditional, unrelenting, never ending…it is always there and always honest…you do not have to do anything to ‘earn’ it.  Learn to let it be yours…

Read and study 1 Corinthians 13.  Paul writes how wonderful the gift of love is when we model our lives to live it.  When you begin to work on bringing more love into your life – you need to understand that it begins with you living love.  Paul tells us what that looks like.  Live love, then love will come flowing into your world. 

Being single myself, I know that sometimes I feel the void of affection in my world.  Sometimes I long for a touch, a hug, the all-knowing smile.  But, that it is affection – not necessarily love for which I hunger.  Affection is important but is different from love.  Affection is a result of being with someone who knows how to live love.  But it is important to remember that a life of love can be experienced no matter if I am married or single.

Love is how to live life.  Are you patient, kind, selfless, justice seeking?  Love is a way for you to live, not something for you to feel.  When experiencing affection, you can sometimes experience the ‘feeling’ of love.  But, when in the presence of a person who has been mean, abusive, absent from relationship – even if affection is shown, a ‘feeling’ of love may not be experienced.  To really experience love in life it is important to learn the difference between affection and love.  I know…it is easier said than done.  But the journey needs to begin with what you give – not what you receive.

Try living love today…see what happens in your world when you model living a day of love as we are called to live in 1 Corinthians 13.  It is yours!

        “It is yet another example of the basic differences in the way we, men and women, see the world, and see each other.  We have innately separate approaches to each other, our children, our jobs, and the values we attach to them.  Different perceptions, brought to bear either upon the child or the washing-up, may cause stress and strife.  Denying the differences devalues the perception, and causes further conflict – ‘Oh, all right, I’ll do it your way if it’s so darned important to you’ – is annoying because the presumption is that ‘your way’ is not important.

    As in most of the differences between the sexes noted in this and other chapters, the key to peaceful coexistence, as in the political sphere, is diplomacy, and, to a lesser extent, negotiation; a lesser extent, because negotiation may succeed in diminishing nuclear stockpiles, but it cannot erase basic ideological differences.  There is not a war between the sexes, not even a cold one.  But there is, in key respects, a basic incompatibility.  The success of many marriages is a tribute to women’s superiority in social diplomacy.  Perhaps more marriages would be more universally successful if men, too, acquired at least that one female skill.”

In a time where so many are struggling with the harsh realities of war, economic difficulties, health care concerns, shattered relationships, addictions and brokenness on many levels I can’t help but wonder if it is time to reevaluate and appreciate the glorious differences between the genders rather than trying to force females to be more like males and males to be more like females.  Isn’t there value to what both genders bring to the table of life?  I believe we have a lot to learn from each other.

So often in marriage therapy sessions, I will observe a fundamental lack of respect for the spouse’s gender differences.  “He’s not romantic enough.”  “She’s too emotional.”  “She is so needy.”  “His idea of quality time is watching a game together.”  “Why can’t we sometimes just cuddle without it always leading to sex?”   What challenges are you experiencing in your relationship?  Are you wishing your partner would be more like you, male – female?

There is a potential danger when discussing gender differences and that is with the tendency to categorize them as polar opposites.  However, if people start conceptualizing gender differences as a point on a male/female continuum rather than an absolute, we can then leave gender ‘rules’ behind and move into the world of discovery.  Taking the time needed to discover and learn about each other – maleness and femaleness.  I can’t help but wonder how many relationships problems would magically disappear if you spent more time appreciating and working with gender differences rather than trying to invest so much time in getting your partner to be more like you!? 

What do you think of this quotation from Brain Sex?  Do you find in your current and/or past relationships that there is a lack of understanding of how the opposite sex functions/thinks/values/relates?  Do you defer to the other gender when in a sphere where the other’s natural gifts may be more advantageous to employ?  Or, do you fight to defend your position as the only valuable and accurate one?

Genesis 1:27  – “So God created human beings in his own image.  In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” 

Thank God there are gender differences.  Without them life would be incredibly dull.  With them, we can exercise economies of scale that bring a richness and fullness to relationships that right now are too often unrealized.  What a wonderful example of a heavenly inspired partnership!

I am fortunate to go to work every day, doing something that I feel is my calling.  The men, women and children walking through my office door bless my life daily.  As I have always said, if we have a heartbeat, we have baggage – we just need to learn how to carry it gracefully.  These wonderful people are brave enough to seek assistance in sorting through the baggage of their lives and sharing their stories.  I not only am meeting great people, but I am also blessed with the opportunity of watching God work in their lives.  I am humbled and honored to walk next to them on their personal journeys.  I love my work!

With that said, I am also unfortunate.  When my schedule becomes overflowing with people who are hurting, it is good for business but a sad commentary on the hurt of our families, friends and neighbors.  When measuring my clients’ needs against the time commitment required of the show, my clients must come first.  Because of the increased needs at New Hope (www.grownewhope.com) I need to open more time for my clients which leaves less time to learn how to run DMLL computers/programming/and networking.  Unfortunately, there are only 24 hours in a day!

I will continue to blog on relationship topics as I am able (www.jackiejoens.com) and quarterly I will facilitate a class (Holistic Self-Identity) at Lutheran Church of Hope.  My love of people and their longing for healthy relationships has not changed and I will continue as I have the opportunity to bring these topics to the discussion table.

I believe that for every door that closes, another opens.  I am not sure what the future holds, but am confident that God will direct me in his time and in the direction that he desires.

My prayers are with you all today as you continue your journey of living and loving.  Thank you for your listenership and your involvement with To Be Real.  Thank you to all of our guests for sharing their limited time and their wealth of good insight and knowledge.  Thank you to my wonderful co-hosts, Mona Lillard and Amy Main.  Working with them has been a most wonderful addition to my life! 

Blessings!
Jackie

The Stanford Forgiveness Project - Frederic Luskin, Ph.D.

http://www.learningtoforgive.com/steps.htm

Nine Steps to Forgiveness

Our definition of forgiveness holds that forgiveness consists primarily of taking less personal offense, reducing anger and reducing the blaming of the offender, and developing increased understanding of situations that often lead to feeling hurt and angry.

1.  Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2.  Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better.  Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3.  Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”

4.  Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years -ago.  Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

5.  At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.

6.  Give up expecting things from other people, or your life , that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7.  Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8.   Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.
Forgiveness is about personal power.

9.   Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive. 

The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt, depression and stress and Leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self-confidence. Practicing forgiveness influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty & love.

I personally find I Corinthians 13 especially helpful for all who long for more love in life.  If you really are eager to experience God-like love, then this is the road-map to follow.  You cannot expect healthy love to come into your life until you learn what it looks like and how to love others and yourself in a healthy way.  Yes, you must learn how to live a life of love in order for you to experience love completely. 

I have taken Kelsey’s outline provided in his book and have expanded upon it slightly.

Love is…

Patient - 

Enduring trials and bearing pain calmly; can wait until the time is good; never gives up; is never picky or demanding; does not have expectations of others; deals without defensiveness with conflict and criticism even when things seem unfair; chooses actions rather than reactions to emotions; understands and appropriately respects personal boundaries in self and others.

Kind -

Is thoughtful; has a gentle, helpful, considerate nature; is empathetic, compassionate; gracious; merciful; worthy; good; useful; understanding and affectionate where it is proper.

Attentive –

Listens to others with patience; hearing what a person says and doesn’t say; sees the value of others and of the Holy Spirit who dwells in them; does not place value judgments on other’s stories; knows that only as we listen to others and share their burdens can we bring healing to them.

Consoling –

Recognizes the pain of grief and sorrow of others and reaches out to them where they are at; is therefore compassionate to them; is willing to be with suffering, dying, bereaving people without needing to hurry along their journey of grief.

Confident –

Is not jealous, envious or possessive and is not fearful of losing the affection and concern of others or of God; is friendly to all, no matter what the circumstances; is secure in the knowledge that all will be well in the end.

Modest –

Is not boastful; not overbearing; not given to excessive pride; is not pompous or snobbish; reserved; unobtrusive and discreet; does not wish to be showy or to be the center of attention; is not a wind bag.

Humble –

Is not arrogant or proud; not overly convinced of one’s own importance; treats all others as human beings of equal value; knows all of us have sometimes failed; is not pushy or forceful with one’s opinion; is not judgmental or condemning of others.

Gracious –

Is never rude; is tolerant of the attitudes and feelings of others; does not behave offensively or in an unseemly manner; is not ill-mannered; is polite, courteous and proper; is civil.

Considerate –

Is yielding, compliant and flexible (respecting and understanding boundaries); thoughtful; accommodating; willing and able to listen; does not insist on or persist in pressing for or demanding one’s own way; is compromising; does not have expectations; is not selfish, self-seeking or self-centered.

Good-natured -

Is not easily stirred up to wrath; not irritable; not easily angered; not touchy, ill-tempered or easily provoked; not easily annoyed or exasperated; is easygoing; does not lose one’s head.

Forgiving –

Pardons the faults of others while honoring personal boundaries; does not have outbursts of rage; keeps no record of wrong even on oneself; is not resentful or hostile; is not inclined to feel bitterness or resentment; does not hold grudges; sees no human being as faultless; does not keep a tally of evils, injuries and nastiness.

Joyful –

Has joy in the righteous and kind; delights in the holy and is open to experiencing God’s truth; is jubilant when good appears; exalts in song and praise and love, never rejoices in the wrong, ugly or devious; is never happy about those who suffer evil or injustice; never delights in the hurts of others.

Playful –

Is merry (as if always celebrating the great cosmic drama of Christmas); does not take oneself too seriously; enjoys a playful interchange with human beings; is never afraid of laughing at oneself; never celebrates darkness, depression and dejection; is not sarcastic or does not make jokes at someone else’s expense.

Forbearing –

Puts up with and bears difficulties; persists when all seems hopeless; bears up under rejection; does not take personally the faults of others; keeps confidences and does not gossip; does not judge; does not complain about hardships; is tenacious in the face of evil or adversity.

Believing –

Trusts and accepts the truth; is open-minded to new truth; has a firm conviction that a loving Creator has made our universe and all of us; is always hoping to find truthfulness and goodness in others; does not project faults on others; is not overly doubtful or suspicious.

Hopeful –

Is encouraging; nurturing ; always expects the best in others (without being naïve or neglecting personal boundaries); looks forward to healthy goals with expectations of fulfillment; never expects the worst nor is happy with pessimism; is expectant; looks for the good in this world and the world to come; foresees the good.

Fair –

Is honest and strives to live a life of integrity (where one’s actions match his/her words); respects justice without demanding it in his/her time; takes a stand against prejudice, inequality, discrimination and unfairness.

Enduring –

Is faithful and steadfast; carries through in spite of difficulties and hardships; is respectful of fear, moving through it rather than stuck in it; stands firm when others flee; never gives up hope for self, others or the world; waits with solid confidence for God’s help.

Endless –

Is eternal; goes on forever, world without end; is unconditional; endures without limit; never ends; is divine, holy, Godlike; never drifts off course; never fails, loses or weakens in one’s conviction of love.

The following is a borrowed list of different Bible verses that can help you on the journey of self-discovery of who you are in Christ.

• I am born again…through the living and enduring word of God. (1 Peter 1:23)
• I am a child of God. (John 1:12)
• I am saved by grace through faith. (Ephesians 2:8-9)
• I am loved by God and He gave his one and only Son for me. (John 3:16)
• I am a new creation in Christ; the old has gone and the new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17)
• I have peace with God. (Romans 5:1)
• The Holy Spirit lives in me. (1 Corinthians 3:16)
• I have access to God’s wisdom. (James 1:5)
• I am helped by God. (Hebrews 4:16)
• I am reconciled to God. (Romans 5:11)
• I am not condemned by God. (Romans 8:1)
• I am justified. (Romans 5:1)
• I have Christ’s righteousness. (Romans 5:19; 2 Corinthians 5:21)
• I am Christ’s ambassador. (2 Corinthians 5:20)
• I am completely forgiven. (Colossians 1:14)
• I am tenderly loved by God. (Jeremiah 31:3)
• I am the sweet fragrance of Christ to God. (2 Corinthians 2:15)
• I am a temple in which God dwells. (1 Corinthians 3:16)
• I am blameless and beyond reproach. (Colossians 1:22)
• I am the salt of the earth. (Matthew 5:13)
• I am the light of the world. (Matthew 5:14)
• I am a branch on Christ’s vine. (John 15:1,5)
• I am Christ’s friend. (John 15:5)
• I am chosen by Christ to bear fruit. (John 15:16)
• I am a joint heir with Christ, sharing His inheritance with Him. (Romans 8:17)
• I am united to the Lord, one spirit with Him. (1 Corinthians 6:17)
• I am a member of Christ’s body. (1 Corinthians 12:27)
• I am a saint. (Ephesians 1:1)
• I am hidden with Christ in God. (Colossians 3:3)
• I am chosen by God, holy and dearly loved. (Colossians 3:12)
• I am a child of the light. (1 Thessalonians 5:5)
• I am holy, and I share in God’s heavenly calling. (Hebrews 3:1)
• I am sanctified. (Hebrews 2:11)
• I am one of God’s living stones, being built up in Christ as a spiritual house. (1 Peter 2:5)
• I am a member of a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession and created to sing His praises. (1 Peter 2:9-10)
• I am firmly rooted and built up in Christ. (Colossians 2:7)
• I am born of God, and the evil one cannot touch me. (1 John 5:18)
• I have the mind of Christ. (1 Corinthians 2:16)
• I may approach God with boldness, freedom, and confidence. (Ephesians 3:12)
• I have been rescued from Satan’s domain and transferred into the kingdom of Christ. (Colossians 1:13)
• I have been made complete in Christ. (Colossians 2:10)
• I have been given a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)
• I have been given great and precious promises by God. (2 Peter 1:4)
• My needs are met by God. (Philippians 4:19)
• I am a prince (princess) in God’s kingdom. (John 1:12; 1 Timothy 6:15)
• I have been bought with a price, and I belong to God. (1 Corinthians 6:19,20)
• I have been adopted as God’s child. (Ephesians 1:5)
• I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit. (Ephesians 2:18)
• I am assured that all things are working together for good. (Romans 8:28)
• I am free from any condemning charges against me. (Romans 8:31f)
• I cannot be separated from the love of God. (Romans 8:35f)
• I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God. (2 Corinthians 1:21,22)
• I am confident that the good work that God has begun in me will be perfected. (Philippians 1:6)
• I am a citizen of heaven. (Philippians 3:20)
• I am a personal witness of Christ’s. (Acts 1:8)
• I am God’s coworker. (2 Corinthians 6:1, 1 Corinthians 3:9)
• I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm. (Ephesians 2:6)
• I am God’s workmanship. (Ephesians 2:10)
• I can do all things through Christ, who gives me the strength I need. (Philippians 4:13)

Here is the story of a journey of fear, growth and faith.  The survivor tells of struggles, temptations, hurts and fears that many often face in the shadow of difficult relationships with our parents or significant adults.  This story is no different. 

As I read through the story, my heart was touched by the ups and downs exeptlified in this survivor’s journey.  There are times when faith is experienced through hope and promise and yet other times you will experience the writer’s hurts, fears and struggles.  Isn’t that the way it is for all of us?  Some days are easier than others.  Some life circumstances are more wonderful and some are more difficult.

This story serves as a wonderful testimony to the power of faith and God’s love as well as a wonderful example of what a life’s journey is all about…overcoming the trials and struggles so as to enjoy the gifts of joy and love.

My story…

I am a faithful believer in Jesus Christ who has struggled and is recovering from depression, anxiety, emotional abuse, and sexual addiction. 

I grew up in a small town in southern Minnesota, the daughter of two school teachers.  I grew up attending a traditional Lutheran Church but attending church was more of an obligation and a very low priority in our family.  I knew very little about the Bible and had never felt the presence of God in my life.

 I was always an athlete and started playing a sport at age 3.  By age 7, I was playing competitively in this sport and by age 9 I was competing nationally.  From the outside everything seemed normal; I excelled athletically and in school and it appeared that my family was supportive.  However, what was happening behind closed doors was a whole different story.  My dad was a great coach and teacher at our local school and a very jovial, fun person to be around in public.  I loved that dad and really enjoyed being around him.  Behind closed doors however, he was ultra controlling, verbally abusive, angry, and would expose himself naked to me on a consistent basis.  I was always scared that something terrible would happen in our house, whether it be my brother, who had the same temper as my dad or my dad losing his temper on myself or my mom.  I would try to stay out of the way when tempers were flaring and go hide in my room.  I learned very early on that keeping things to myself was the best way to stay safe.  I became a shell of the person I really was.  I was extremely introverted and struggled talking to others I didn’t know, especially men.

I had to win…

The pressure to succeed at my sport increased as I got older.  I distinctly remember being yelled at after an event when I didn’t perform as my dad thought I should.  I was constantly questioning myself and the pressure to succeed made me physically ill.  I was always sick before a sporting event and I firmly believe this is where I learned my anxious tendencies.  I would play in 30 plus competitive events a summer and travel all over the country. I missed out on my childhood in so many ways and lacked the social skills to be friends with kids my age.

There were some positives…

But those were just the negatives from sport—I have been blessed with so many positives from growing up playing.  The game taught me perseverance, respect, honesty, and integrity.  Because of my abilities, I earned a Division I athletic scholarship.  With that came a team of other young woman who had similar life experiences.  That was the greatest gift God could give me at that moment in my life. 

In addition, I had the most loving, amazing coach, who guided me through this period of my life.  In my freshman year of college, I herniated a disk in my back and had to have surgery the following spring.  The only thing I knew in life, my sport, was taken away.  I couldn’t play for 6 months and it really took me a year and a half to get back to full speed.  I didn’t know how to function without the sport I had played almost my entire life.  I didn’t have practice to go to everyday and felt so empty inside.  What ensued was my first bout with depression.  I had severe sadness, loneliness, and I didn’t know what I could possibly do now that my sport was to be limited in my future.  My team and coach surrounded me with their love and I was able to go off of my depression medication after a year and a half.  I wouldn’t struggle with depression again for the next five years.

Life was still tough and I learned to stuff my emotions…

Meanwhile, my relationship with my dad was always difficult.  Whatever I did in life, it was never good enough for my dad.  I spent the first 27 years of my life trying desperately to please him and live my life the way he wanted.  It was like he was my God.  I believed everything he told me.  That I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t have a good enough job, that I shouldn’t have taken the time to get my masters, that my apartment wasn’t nice enough, the list goes on and on.  My self-esteem was exceedingly low and for the longest time my self worth was determined by my success in my sport.  I stuffed everything inside, deep down.

Eventually, you can’t stuff anymore inside of yourself.  In November 2008, I had something happen at work that made me question what I had become, what people thought of me, and what I was doing in my life.  It didn’t take much and my life was spiraling downward.  I was depressed and suicidal.  I felt so extremely alone and didn’t let anyone into my life.  The walls were up and I thought I could get out of this situation through my own strength and courage.  I did not tell a single person about my darkness until February 2009.  During this time, I somehow went to work, came home, went to sleep and got up the next day to go to work again.  I don’t even remember a lot about these three to four months of my life.

I found hope…

God had a plan though and He brought me through the doors of Lutheran Church of Hope on November 21, 2008.  The first thing I heard that Sunday evening was, “If this is your first time visiting Hope, we have been praying for you and believe it is no accident that you are here tonight.”  Well, that certainly got my attention.  I kept coming to Hope each weekend and accepted Christ into my life on December 23, 2008 during the Christmas Eve service at Hope.  It was an amazing experience and the first time I had truly felt God’s presence.  From there, I took the Alpha course that spring and it was in that small group that I told them about my depression, my suicidal thoughts, and how I hadn’t shared with anyone.  It took me 7 weeks to tell my Alpha group, and as some of you know the course is only 9 weeks long!

Sometimes it gets harder before it gets easier…

As it turns out the Depression was only a result of much deeper hurts, habits, and hang-ups.  In June of 2009, I started having panic attacks, some so debilitating that I thought I was having a heart attack; I couldn’t breathe, and would sometimes throw up when they were really bad.  I had them at work, at my support group, and in the car.  I was hurting really bad and was struggling to reach out to others and to develop some Accountability Partner relationships at my support group.  One night at my support group, I connected with a couple of people and we began an email conversation.  This helped build my trust and it was easier for me than face-to-face conversations.  These people were instrumental in helping me come out of my shell.  I slowly began to trust these few people and that trust was upheld.

One night in August 2009, the lesson at my support group was on sponsorship.  I always figured that sponsors were only for those with an addiction and not for someone who struggles with depression and anxiety.  But as I soon discovered, we all need someone to talk to and to walk alongside of us during our journey.  I really struggled trying to ask someone to be my sponsor.  I would come face-to-face with the person I felt should be my sponsor and not say a word.  I asked someone to be my sponsor about a month after the lesson.  I am currently on my fourth sponsor but am truly grateful for the one I have now.  This person is there for me when I need her and challenges me to become a better person and to be as God intended me to be.  I have several accountability partners who are also an integral part of my life.  The reason I am here today and striving to live the life God intended is because of my friends.  I have never had such authentic true friends in all my life.  I love them with all my heart and would do anything for them.  I never believed people when they said your church family can make up for a broken biological family…but it is so true.  Thanks Sisters!!

One of my accountability partners suggested that I purchase the step study books and begin working through the first step of denial.  I was willing to try anything because I was nearing the end of my rope.  My own willpower wasn’t working and I was having panic attacks on a regular basis.  I completed that first step on denial in one day and I couldn’t believe how much freedom and also pain it brought up.  I decided at that point I wanted to get into a Step Study.  Doing this study, especially the fourth and fifth step, has allowed me to work through my pain and to move on.  I know my journey is not complete but the step study is an important component in my journey of freedom from past hurts.

One of the biggest moments in my recovery journey was the day I gave over my control to God.  It was in September 2009 and I had been sick, I was experiencing problems with my depression medicine and at a definite low point in my life.  At the bottom, I finally realized that I could not fix this with my own willpower.  I prayed that evening on the side of my bed to God, I told him I was powerless and that I needed his help to overcome my depression and anxiety.  My way didn’t work and I was at the end of my rope.  Tears were flowing and my emotions were out for the first time in a very long time.  God was with me that night.  I felt His presence and felt His work in my life from then on.

With my support network strongly intact, God must have felt I was ready to remember and deal with more from my past.  In October 2009, during a guest speaker at my support group, I experienced a panic attack and started remembering abuse in my childhood and of being exposed to my father.  The abuse or exposure was so vivid in my mind and I struggled to sleep for a week and the panic attacks seemed stronger.  But God only gave me as much as I could handle and he surrounded me with such wonderful people from this recovery ministry.

During this journey, my faith and convictions continued to grow as I participated in classes at church, attended weekly services, met with prayer warriors, started the step study, and talked frequently with my sponsor and accountability partners.  As Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10 says:  “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.  But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.”

My journey continues…

As my faith grew deeper I realized that some things in my life were not for the glory of God and were against his law.  It was very hard for me to tell others of the addiction that I had been facing for several years.  Prior to coming into a relationship with Jesus Christ, I didn’t think it was that wrong.  Finally, shortly before Thanksgiving 2009, I told a very close friend that I was addicted to pornography and had a sexual addiction.  She was very loving and didn’t judge me at all.  Gradually, I started to feel less shameful of my addiction and more focused on how to overcome it.  I started reaching out for help and being accountable to others.  I still struggle with the temptations but pray that the Lord will help me through this addiction.

A scripture that I focus on a lot and sums up my struggles are Romans 7:21-25:

“I have discovered this principle of life—that when I do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong.  I love God’s law with all my heart.  But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind.  This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me.  Oh, what a miserable person I am!  Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?  Thank God!  The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.  So you see how it is in my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.”

 God has given me a new heart now and a new lease on life.  A prayer partner led me to a scripture one night in the prayer room and said that is what he now saw in me.

Ezekiel 36:25-26—“Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean.  Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols.  And I will give you a NEW HEART and I will put a new spirit in you.  I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.”

I know God had me experience the valleys and mountain tops of life for a reason, so I could help others with the same affliction.  I always had a servant and caring heart and what I found in the darkness will help others in the light.  I now know God’s purpose for my life, his intention when he created me.  I am looking forward to loving and glorifying God the rest of the days of my life.  This new heart, new life is amazing and I feel truly blessed to have been given this opportunity.

I will end with my favorite scripture and it helped get me through some very tough moments.

Joshua 1:9—“This is my command—be strong and courageous!  Do not be afraid or discouraged.  For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Just remember, He is with you always, in the good times and the bad.  And His light shines brighter than any darkness this world can bring.

Thank you.

I received the following story from a man struggling with his self-worth.  I have never met him nor have we had the opportunity to talk.  If we had, I would have told him…

I am so sorry for the loss of your childhood and youth.  I am sorry you had to experience the hurt from those very people God gifted you to for love and nurturing.

You are so incredibly correct in how much children long for their parents’ love and approval.  We are wired for unconditional love – love that embraces who we are and how God created us to be.  Unfortunately, parents are human and guilty of all sorts of human conditions – selfishness, self-centeredness, narcissism, abuse, neglect, emotional blackmail, inability to love…and the list goes on and on.  As children living with these human conditions we can be hurt and feel as if our parents’ behavior serve as our definition.  This is the emotional blackmail at its worst.

Now, as adults we must seek the truth of whom we are and who we can become.  We must let go of the lies that we were told by broken people not capable of dealing with their own struggles.  We must move toward what is true…

God created you in his perfect image (Genesis 1:27).  You are special to him (Deuteronomy 26:18).  You are so special to him that he knows the number of hairs on your head.( Matthew 30)  He suffered and died so that you may be brought safely home to God (1 Peter 3:18). 

These are the truths that we must focus on when we are struggling daily with the lies we have heard from the broken people in our lives.   God does love you – unconditionally!

I would gently challenge you today to view your guilt with a renewed light.  Take back your power and soul.  Let go of the false guilt when you believed the lies at a time when you were young.  Instead only hold on to the responsibility that you are currently allowing the lies to define you today.  Seek the truth about who God created you to be.  He doesn’t make mistakes – people do!

Maya Angelou said, “Things that happen to me will change me.  But I refuse to let them defeat me.”  I’ve changed that a bit…”Things that happen to me will change me.  But only God defines me!”

Prayers for you as you seek the truth about the person God created you to be! 

Blessings!
Jackie

Pent Up Anger

Many times I have laid awake at night thinking about the past wrongs in my life where my father and I are concerned.  Yet I have not actually taken a step back and seen things from his stand point.  I of course have thought of myself as the victim.  Yet I have not given him the common courtesy of seeing things from his standpoint.  The irony of the matter is I have always considered myself one of the most level-keeled, even-tempered, and least judgmental of all people I have ever come into contact with.  Yet I have so much pent up anger, resentment, and judgment towards my father that I can no longer hide from or sweep under the rug.  I am by no means dismissing my feelings.  Quite the opposite, I have come to a better understanding of them.  I just can no longer hide behind the mere facade of a victim when I have many wrongs to account for as well.

As far back as I can remember I have felt like I could never live up to my father’s expectations.  I have been quite vocal about this point to many people; friends, family, co-workers, therapists, acquaintances.  Yet I have never brought it up to the one person that I have felt like I have never lived up to.  At this point, I can’t tell you if I have hidden my feelings behind all of the hurt: considering I know my feelings and have vocalized them.  I just have vocalized them to all of the wrong people.  When you are a child, your parents are your whole world.  They are the ones you learn from and talk to.  As you grow older, you not only have to listen to them, but then you have the added pressure of listening to baby-sitters, older siblings (if you are so lucky), grandparents, aunts, uncles.  Then you grow even older and you have to listen to teachers, principals, and counselors; as well as the previous list.  Finally, you have to listen to co-workers and bosses.  By this point, you are no longer listening to your parents.  Yet they are the foundation.  They are the ones you should go to when you have problems.  But you have added people to please, added responsibilities, added pressures.  All the while, your parents’ voice is getting softer and softer to the point that you don’t even hear a mumble from them because of all of the pressures and people.  Is it any wonder that as we age, our voice gets softer and softer?

Whose Child?

I wish I could claim that I was a wonderful child.  On the surface I resembled a good kid.  But underneath there was a boiling turmoil – a festering sore, a deep-hidden secret.  Yes, I acted the part; but that’s precisely the point.  I merely acted the part.  Beneath the candy-coating was a pent up tiger waiting to break through.  Waiting to pounce and kill at any moment.  I was an emotional basket case that could fly off the handle at the drop of one word, one look, or one sigh from him – my father.  We added fuel to each other’s fire.  My father always claimed that I was my mother’s child.  His evidence was that we both spoke first (reacted) and either thought about it and/or apologized later after many regrets.  My mother always claimed that I was my father’s child.  Her evidence was that we both had an idealistic view of the world that was not attainable.  When we both found out that no one lived up to that view, we held grudges and would never forget.  We both would remember all past wrongs inflicted upon us to the point of throwing it back in the enemy’s face at the perfect opportunity.  Neither parent was right while neither was wrong.

I honestly never even thought about how my father’s absence from anything remotely resembling a household or family (whether by his choice or his employer’s …) affected him.  I of course know how it affected me.  But I never once considered his stance in the matter.  Yet he is the one it should have affected the most.  I was a mere observer.  To this day, I do not know whether all of the business trips he took for months on end affected him negatively.  The more quizzing fact of the matter is I have never discussed this with him.  I have never asked him how it hurt (or benefited?) him in any way.  I just always assumed that he really didn’t want to be a part of my life.  Otherwise he would have found a way to be around more. 

Even when he was physically around, he always seemed to be in a far away land; a mere vessel of a person that was there in front of me physically but not emotionally or mentally.  He was always busying himself with his work to the point that when I would ask for help with my nemesis school subject – Algebra – he would always be interrupted and too busy to help me.  That was when I learned to lower my goals to meet someone else’s goals.  That was when I learned to swallow my own bitterness to soothe the needs of others.  That was when I decided that I was too stupid to go the full Accelerated program my high school offered – International Baccalaureate (IB).

My High School Years

Let me take you back a few years.  When I was invitedto attend my high school – Sumner Academy – it was expected of me that I would excel and succeed to the satisfaction of my parents and grandparents.  On my paternal side, two older cousins of mine went there originally, but for reasons unbeknownst to me, they got kicked out.  Sumner was a public magnet high school.  You had to keep at least a 2.75 GPA to stay a student there not on probation; no lower than a 2.5 GPA to stay a student there period.  So my two older cousins took the entrance exam on a Saturday during their 7^th grade years and they both passed it enough to be able to be asked to attend the school starting their 8^th grade years.  Each of them (brothers 2 years apart) by their sophomore years were kicked out for attendance, behavior, and/or grades.  So when I was invited to attend Sumner starting my 8^th grade year (without an exam due to my unusually high standardized test scores) it was an EXTREME honor and privilege for my parents and grandparents to be able to tout that their son/grandson did not have to take the entrance exam – he was INVITED!

Unfortunately I had already lowered my goals and was not thrilled about leaving my middle school friends.  No one that I was friends with was invited.  Coincidentally, all of my friends took the entrance exam and not a one of them passed it either.  I wanted to stick back and go to another high school.  This, of course, was out of the question.  Even more, I never once asked MYSELF the question!  I did not believe in myself that I could achieve anything there.  I believed I would fail; and fail miserably.    It was decided by my family (him) that I would go to school there and I would take the full IB course load when it was available to me my junior year.  By default, you had to pass the “Pre-IB Algebra” class your sophomore year in order to even take the Full IB course load.  So naturally I took Pre-IB Algebra my sophomore year and by the end of the middle of the first quarter, I had earned a 49% in the class: an “F”!  I had NEVER received a grade mark that low!  The teacher tutored me after school and I just could not understand the mathat the speed we were needed to understand it.  I went so far as to ask my father for help.  I assumed this would be the natural way to understand it – my father being a mathand physics expert.  He was able to do mathematicalequations without a calculator.  When I say mathematical equations, he could even do square roots with just a simple pad of paper and a slide rule!

I was shocked, as well as let-down by the sub-par help that I received from my father.  I got reprimanded for not understanding how to do a simple Algebraic equation.  “What the hell have those teachers been teaching you?!  Haven’t you been paying any attention to them?!  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

That was the help I received from him.  So after discussing it with my teacher and guidance counselor; it was decided that I would transfer into the “regular” Algebra 2 class.  This came with bitter resentment from my father.  I had let the family (him) down once again.  I ended up passing Algebra 2; although I have to admit that I do not know how!  I did not fully understand Algebra until I had the best Algebra teacher in the world during college.  I guess perfect attendance and acting as if you are grasping everything from a remedial class teacher gets you passing grades!

This was also the same year I had received the best grade report for a quarter.  My 3^rd quarter (first of the New Year) I received 6 A’s and 1 B.  The B was in Communications Media (Journalism pre-requisite; the percentage was 89.95 and the teacher refused to round-up grades due to her “curve” grading).  I remember bringing the report card home and I was on cloud-9!  I was dancing and bounding in the street all the way from the bus stop to home!  My mother was so proud of me she ended up cooking all of my favorite dishes as a reward for my marked improvement from the previous quarter’s grades of 3 A’s and 4 B’s.

When my father came home from work and saw my report card I could barely contain the excitement in my voice!  I thought I had finally won him over and made him proud of me.  Then I saw “the look” come across his face.  “The look” as I called it was the smile slowly draining out while being replaced with a frown.  This ALWAYS precluded me getting into serious trouble.  Then he opened his mouth to speak and I could hardly believe my ears . . . “What the hell is wrong with you?  Why the hell isn’t that B an A?  Are you some sort of IDIOT?”  I went on to explain about the curve grading and the percentage and he just looked at me with bitter scorn and said “YOU have disappointed me.  YOU, need to be a better student.  YOU have brought disappointment on the family.” 

My Punishment

I was not allowed to eat at the dinner table that night because I had brought a huge disappointment to my family (him).  Any time I brought disappointment to the family (him); I had to eat in my room and was not allowed to be seen by the family (him) until they (he) came to see me.  I was not allowed to leave my room except to go to the bathroom and go to school.  All extra- curricular activities (work, friends, school clubs, church, et al) were off limits.  I was to wake up, get dressed (not allowed to turn the lights on mind you), go directly to the bus stop, go to school, come directly home, go straight to my room, close the door, do homework/study, eat in the room when my meal was brought to me(after parents had already ate and plated my dish so it was cold when it was laid on the floor outside my room), open door to leave my plate on the floor, close it immediately, change, and go to bed.  All the while I was in my room; I was NOT allowed to turn my light on.

I was on this punishment throughout my growing up since 3^rd grade when I was a bad child and brought disappointment on the family (him).  This was off-and-on until this last time my sophomore year.  This certain go-round lasted 2 weeks.  To this day, I can still get ready in the dark, including finding the right clothes I want to wear!  This comes from organizing your drawers and closets in a certain way that everything is in a certain place so you can reach for it in the dark and know which one it is.  See what I mean?  On the shell, I look like an organized child.  But if you dig deep enough, it is not because I have to have everything in its place.  It is actually quite the opposite.  I am not a very neat housekeeper and can be disorganized.  But if I have to be organized, I can be; there has to be a reason for me to be organized!

To this very day, every time I was “grounded” as he called it, I do not know what was going on inside of that head of his.  I always seemed to be one millimeter off.  It always seemed odd to me (considering I am an only child) that I was inflicted withthis prison-like situation.  Only children are always characterized as spoiled brats that have life and everything about it handed to them on a golden platter.  As you can see from this memoir, it is quite the opposite.  I have always wondered what I had truly done to deserve such punishment from my father.  But I think the more quizzing fact is that I bought into it.  I lowered my standards to try to please someone else.  I never once thought of myself as intelligent, gifted, special, or even deserving of anything.  I thought of myself as an idiot that didn’t even deserve pocketlint.  With this example of rearing, it is even further amazing that to this day I am still a people-pleaser.  You would think that at some point in my life a light bulb would turn on and I would magically realize that I need to please myself because no one else will be able to.  This is not the case.  I do not please myself and I still believe I am undeserving of any affection, emotion, or any healthy relationship.

My Spirit

That man took away my self-worth.  That man took away my self-esteem.  That man took away my whole spirit.  The uncanny part is that you have to willingly give these away.  Someone cannot steal these from you.  You give them up; and I did.  I have never once asked, or better yet, demanded for them to be returned.  He still holds them.  I do not know if they have been kept safe and well-preserved.  Somehow I doubt it.  Anything that was mine wasn’t worth holding onto.  Why would I think these are any different?

My Guilt or My Hope

So you see I am guilty of many things myself.  I am guilty of lowering my expectations to appease someone else.  I am guilty of stuffing my own hopes, dreams, and ambitions down the toilet drain so that someone else would hopefully be happy (for once).  I am guilty of holding onto grudges of past wrongs from more than 20 years ago.  I am guilty of wanting to please the one man that has inflicted so much damage on me.  I am guilty of never once pleasing him.  I am guilty of never expecting to…only hope.  That is what I am left with: hope.  Nothing more, nothing less.