As for love…you can learn to love and experience the ‘feeling’ of love as you heal your heart from past and present times of hurts and disappointments.  As you move towards healing from hurts, you will begin to build a door to your heart that you can then realize you control.  You can open it and close it as you need.  Shutting it to protect your heart and opening it when you want to let love out…for you see…that is where you begin to love.  That is how you learn to become vulnerable without fearing becoming a victim.

God’s love is yours and it is in you now.  Your hurts keep you from fully experiencing the joy of that love as you do not feel it is yours to experience.  So…continue the work of healing from hurts and learning how to let down your feelings of inadequacy where God’s love is concerned…then his love is experienced in your heart and all of a sudden you are ‘feeling’ love. 

When God’s love is experienced in your life, it can’t help but bubble up and spill out of you into the world around you.  Love is something that almost takes on a life of its own.  It moves, flows and surrounds you when you are willing to open your life to experience the gift of God’s love.  It is unconditional, unrelenting, never ending…it is always there and always honest…you do not have to do anything to ‘earn’ it.  Learn to let it be yours…

Read and study 1 Corinthians 13.  Paul writes how wonderful the gift of love is when we model our lives to live it.  When you begin to work on bringing more love into your life – you need to understand that it begins with you living love.  Paul tells us what that looks like.  Live love, then love will come flowing into your world. 

Being single myself, I know that sometimes I feel the void of affection in my world.  Sometimes I long for a touch, a hug, the all-knowing smile.  But, that it is affection – not necessarily love for which I hunger.  Affection is important but is different from love.  Affection is a result of being with someone who knows how to live love.  But it is important to remember that a life of love can be experienced no matter if I am married or single.

Love is how to live life.  Are you patient, kind, selfless, justice seeking?  Love is a way for you to live, not something for you to feel.  When experiencing affection, you can sometimes experience the ‘feeling’ of love.  But, when in the presence of a person who has been mean, abusive, absent from relationship – even if affection is shown, a ‘feeling’ of love may not be experienced.  To really experience love in life it is important to learn the difference between affection and love.  I know…it is easier said than done.  But the journey needs to begin with what you give – not what you receive.

Try living love today…see what happens in your world when you model living a day of love as we are called to live in 1 Corinthians 13.  It is yours!

        “It is yet another example of the basic differences in the way we, men and women, see the world, and see each other.  We have innately separate approaches to each other, our children, our jobs, and the values we attach to them.  Different perceptions, brought to bear either upon the child or the washing-up, may cause stress and strife.  Denying the differences devalues the perception, and causes further conflict – ‘Oh, all right, I’ll do it your way if it’s so darned important to you’ – is annoying because the presumption is that ‘your way’ is not important.

    As in most of the differences between the sexes noted in this and other chapters, the key to peaceful coexistence, as in the political sphere, is diplomacy, and, to a lesser extent, negotiation; a lesser extent, because negotiation may succeed in diminishing nuclear stockpiles, but it cannot erase basic ideological differences.  There is not a war between the sexes, not even a cold one.  But there is, in key respects, a basic incompatibility.  The success of many marriages is a tribute to women’s superiority in social diplomacy.  Perhaps more marriages would be more universally successful if men, too, acquired at least that one female skill.”

In a time where so many are struggling with the harsh realities of war, economic difficulties, health care concerns, shattered relationships, addictions and brokenness on many levels I can’t help but wonder if it is time to reevaluate and appreciate the glorious differences between the genders rather than trying to force females to be more like males and males to be more like females.  Isn’t there value to what both genders bring to the table of life?  I believe we have a lot to learn from each other.

So often in marriage therapy sessions, I will observe a fundamental lack of respect for the spouse’s gender differences.  “He’s not romantic enough.”  “She’s too emotional.”  “She is so needy.”  “His idea of quality time is watching a game together.”  “Why can’t we sometimes just cuddle without it always leading to sex?”   What challenges are you experiencing in your relationship?  Are you wishing your partner would be more like you, male – female?

There is a potential danger when discussing gender differences and that is with the tendency to categorize them as polar opposites.  However, if people start conceptualizing gender differences as a point on a male/female continuum rather than an absolute, we can then leave gender ‘rules’ behind and move into the world of discovery.  Taking the time needed to discover and learn about each other – maleness and femaleness.  I can’t help but wonder how many relationships problems would magically disappear if you spent more time appreciating and working with gender differences rather than trying to invest so much time in getting your partner to be more like you!? 

What do you think of this quotation from Brain Sex?  Do you find in your current and/or past relationships that there is a lack of understanding of how the opposite sex functions/thinks/values/relates?  Do you defer to the other gender when in a sphere where the other’s natural gifts may be more advantageous to employ?  Or, do you fight to defend your position as the only valuable and accurate one?

Genesis 1:27  – “So God created human beings in his own image.  In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” 

Thank God there are gender differences.  Without them life would be incredibly dull.  With them, we can exercise economies of scale that bring a richness and fullness to relationships that right now are too often unrealized.  What a wonderful example of a heavenly inspired partnership!

The stress-filled time of the holidays is officially upon us.  Just last week while I was checking out the post-Halloween candy sale isle in the local discount store, I overheard two women lamenting on the length of their Christmas shopping lists.  I was saddened that these two women were already consumed with thoughts of Christmas shopping even though it was only the first week of November.

As I turned the corner and went to the next ‘seasonal’ isle, I became very aware of why they had been lamenting.  The Christmas tree display was up and twinkling and the isles that once were full of costumes and candy were now full of ornaments, lights, wreaths, wrapping paper, garland, stockings, etc.  And to think that I was planning on buying an autumn mum that day!  No such luck!  Where the mums had been displayed a week before, there were now wonderful red poinsettias.  How did I miss the autumn mums on November 2nd!?  Could I find any holiday napkins and plates for Thanksgiving Day?  No!  They were gone, too – replaced by napkins with snowmen, trees, poinsettias, etc.  I was too late for Thanksgiving?!  Don’t even get me started on the television and mail order industries!

It really is beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!

Stress Triggers

The holidays, under the best of circumstances, start triggering excessive stress.  It is undeniable.  When we start thinking of ‘family time’ and holiday schedules blood pressures usually begin to rise, almost immediately.  (Can you feel the tension tighten in your neck just as you read this?) 

Holiday stress is much more common than people realize.  As a matter of fact, November 1st brings about the busiest time of year for most mental health professionals.  Our calendars will be pretty full from now through the end of February.  The primary request is almost always the same, “Jackie, please help me mentally prepare for the agony of family time/holiday schedules/dwindling money.  I just don’t know how to handle _____!”  (You fill in the name of the family members, party, friends, obligations, etc.)

I anticipate that the stress of the holidays will seem a little more overwhelming this year.  With the war, the economy, the possible (or realized) lack of job security…our Stress Platter is pretty full already and we’veonly just begun.  Add to the above the historical button pushing that our family members are famous for and our cup will runneth over with the stress experience.  We, as a society and individually, are on overload.  It is too much stress for any one person to handle. 

12 Stress Management Tips

I have come up with a list of 12 simple stress management techniques that (if you practice them) will help you manage what otherwise may seem like too much.  Remember (and this is important)…you have to use these tips in order for them to work.

1) Stay focused on the reason for the season. 

Between now and New Year’s Eve, focus on why we are celebrating at all this time of year.  

Thanksgiving was first designed as a celebratory way to give thanks to God for the gifts experienced in the new land of freedom.  It wasn’t an easy life.  Actually, it was a difficult and hard life, but the pilgrims gathered to give thanks to God for all they had been given.  “And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”  (Ephesians 5:20)

Christmas is an opportunity to celebrate the birth of our Savior who paid the price of our sins.  “God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.” (John 3:17)  God brought salvation and peace through the birth of Christ.  WOW!  A time that was originally given to us to celebrate our salvation turned into a high-stress season?!  We added the pressure of gifts, holiday gatherings and parties, and disappointed expectations – that was never part of the original package.  We sure messed up a good thing there!

New Year is the final in the celebration trio.  To many people, the new year represents the gift of new opportunities or a time to start living true to how God directs them to live.  This gift is not designed to add more stress into the new year, but rather to bring hope and a reminder that God is still here.   “Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.”  (Hebrews 10:36)

2) Breathe!!!!

One of the top stress relievers is learning to physically relax.  Take time to talk your body out of the stress mode and relax you muscles and your mind.  Spend time in quite prayer and meditation.  “Be still and know I am God.”  (Psalm 46:10)

3) Simplify and learn to say, “No.” 

How many trees do you need to put up and how many decorations do you really need to display?  Take a look at your calendar, prioritize and then erase EVERYTHING that you can cut out from the obligation of the season.  “No” is sometimes difficult to say.  But learn that it may be one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal against stress.  Say “no” to over obligating yourself and then take time to smell the pine! 

4) Under-spend! 

Take a look at your shopping/wish lists.  How much do you really need to buy and/or get as gifts?  Maybe you and your peeps can get together andadopt a less fortunate family…feed or clothe the homeless…give to those more in need.  Then, your family celebration can consist of a genuine thanksgiving of all that you enjoy and have surrounding you and you won’t have to worry about how you will pay for everything when January rolls around.

5) Send out E-Cards and go green.  

A subscription to a good greeting card website will not only save you time and money, but it will also save the world a lot of trees and energy.

6) Be flexible. 

There is a lot of stress experienced by families, blended families and in families with adult children juggling their in-law family activities.  Lighten up and spread out the good cheer.  Who says that Thanksgiving can only be celebrated on a Thursday in November and that a Christmas dinner is less wonderful on December 18th?!   Be flexible in your celebration planning and who knows…you may have a longer, more fulfilling, less stressful season.

7) Be proactive against loneliness.  

For many people, the holidays serve as a painful reminder that they are not in a significant relationship and loneliness can seem overwhelming.  If this happens to be you, then you need to step up to the plate of self care and fill your time with other people.  Volunteer at a shelter, your church, call some other single friends, host a holiday potluck, etc.

8) Take care of yourself! 

Get enough sleep, exercise and eat a healthy – balanced diet.  The more healthy and rested you are, the more stress you will be able to comfortably handle.

9) Let go of your expectations. 

To many, the holidays represent a time to mourn the loss of unmet expectations – either of ourselves or others.  Examine those expectations and then evaluate how important it is to keep holding on to them.  Sometimes, by letting go, we free ourselves to enjoy the people we do have in our lives and the happiness we can experience with them.  Don’t let unmet expectations get in the way of you enjoying all of the wonderfulness you do have to celebrate.

10) Guard your buttons. 

It is important to remember they are your buttons.  People can only push them if you let them.  Know from where your buttons originate and then keep them in carefully under guard.  Most of the time, we allow our buttons to be pushed based on memories of when we were young rather than how things need to be today.  You are an adult now, so don’t let people get to your buttons!

11) Lighten Up!

Sometimes when stress fills our waking hours we just need to havea good belly laugh.  Laughter really is the best medicine.  When we laugh, our brain responds in kind by releasing chemicals that bring a sense of well-being and joy into our day.  So, when all else seems to be too much to handle, find something fun and funny and enjoy!

12) Live Love. 

I Corinthians 13paints a beautiful portrait of what living love looks like.  Make sure you are bringing your loving self to every relationship (even with strangers) this holiday season.  Start everyday with the following prayer based onI Corinthians 13…

Heavenly Father,

 Please help me begin and liveeach day with love.  My prayer today andthroughout this holiday season is that I may approach all of my relationships (even withstrangers) as you would want me to, with love.  Please help me be more patient, kind, humble, polite, compromising, tolerant, even-tempered, forgiving, justice seeking, honest, perseverant, faithful, hopeful and tolerant.  With these love skills, I know that the gift of love that you haveshared with all through your grace will bubble up inside of me and spill out toward all the world.  Help me free my heart of all previous hurts andpains so that I may share with all my friends and family the love that will create a sense of joy in this holiday season and prayerfully throughout the New Year.  In your loving son’s name I pray…Amen!

Then why am I so afraid to be vulnerable?

To know peace is to understand that I am safe on this journey.

Yet, to know that the door to my soul has been opened leaves me exposed and afraid.

To open up – to discuss – to expose my heart…I am frightened.

To walk through the open door will change my life’s story.

The door leads to a new direction, a new chapter, a new…what?

The destination is secondary to the knowledge and understanding that tomorrow will never be the same as today.

The door is open and calling to me.

Shall I see where it leads?

Do I trust God’s guidance, strength and promise?

Do I fully accept that tomorrow will bring a ‘new’ that I need not fear?

Yes!  God is there before me.

Humans are wired for connection and some of the best connections achieved are between people when they share levels of intimacy.  Relationships all experience intimacy at some level.  The depth of the intimacy shared should be defined by the ’safeness’ of the relationship.  Often times however, this isn’t the case.  In many relationships the hunger for intimacy is the driving force that attempts to define the connection.  This sense of urgency or hunger for relationship sometimes allows intimacy to grow too deep or too quickly…and then the relationship often times doesn’t work. 

So how can healthy intimacy be experienced in the daily dance of relationships?

First, it becomes important that we have a good understanding of the definition of intimacy.  It needs to be understood in order to enjoy the depth of reward it can offer in our relationships.  One of my favorite ways to describe intimacy is, ” a detailed knowledge resulting from a close or long association or study.”  In other words, intimacy is a two part learning and sharing process.  1) to learn about ourselves and then choosing how much of our self-knowledge we care to share with another person and 2) to learn about others.  It is a give and take of deeply personal pieces of self.

Four Branches of Intimacy

Intimacy can be divided up into four major areas: emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical.  Because all relationships experience these intimacies in some combination and to varying levels, these different intimacies need to be understood individually as well as how they relate to each other.  Once understood, then the intimacies can be explored in safe and healthy ways.

Emotional Intimacy is a type of intimacy where feelings are explored, exposed and exchanged.  Not just a display of emotions – crying, yelling, laughing…but rather a conscious process of self-examination, understanding and mutual exchange.  What do you think?  How do you feel?  What are your core values?  What are your passions?  What are your hurts?  What are your inspirations?  What are your fears? 

All of these questions tap into the reality of your emotions and how they impact your life.  Are you familiar with your feelings?  Do you examine your emotions and understand where they come from and then choose a good course of behavior?  Or are your emotions the triggers that set you down a course of habitual behavior patterns?  Do you choose to act a certain way as a result of your emotions or instead do you just react to them?

What is your sense of purpose?  What role does spirituality play in your life and relationships?  Spiritual Intimacy is the exploration and discovery of the greater sense of self – why are you here?  To understand spirituality also takes time in study, self-examination, meditation and prayer.  The study of the age-old question, “Why am I here?” brings about an understanding of the meaning of life – your life.  What do you believe?  What are your priorities to living?  When do you feel your soul being moved? 

These considerations provide a glimpse into the journey of your fit into the world.  When you have a better understanding of your greater purpose and your beliefs, then you are better able to share knowledge of yourself with others.  Unfortunately, this is an area of intimacy that is often misunderstood and is neglected.   Make no mistake, it is a fundamental piece of every person – no matter what your faith.  Spend time in prayerful consideration and meditation – get to know yourself as reflected in your relationship with God.

Intellectual Intimacy is another type of intimacy that can often be neglected.  Humans need to share ideas, dreams, thoughts…it is a venue where many great and wonderful ideas have found fertile ground to grow and become new creations.   Discussions – especially surrounding topics of passion - bring like minds together and the resulting relationships can be rich and rewarding.  Do you tend to your intellect?  Are you challenging yourself to learn and grow?  What are your passions?  Have you explored them?

By experiencing the fire of your passions and by exercising the grey matter in your head, you expand the richness of your life.  The more we learn, the more we grow and often times are eager to learn more.  This knowledge exploration can surround literature, sports, mathematics, politics, culture…any subject that stirs the fire of searching for more information.  What ignites the fire in you to learn, explore and grow in your knowledge base?

Physical Intimacyis the sharing of personal and physical space.  In all relationships or potential relationships, there is some form of physical intimacy explored.  Culturally, it seems as if the boundaries of appropriate physical intimacy are often misunderstood or just simply ignored.  We do need to understand the implications of sharing our personal and physical space.

Often times when discussions first turn toward physical intimacy, thoughts go immediately toward sexual relationships.  Physical intimacy does encompass more than just sex.  A handshake, nudge, pat on the back, holding hands, touching an arm, an embrace, a kiss are all examples of different forms of physical intimacy.  In some relationships a hearty handshake is appropriate and appreciated, where other situations may call for a warm hug, and still others no physical touch may be appropriate.  Do you know the difference?  Are you aware of when physical touch is and is not appropriate?  Do you know when and where it is safe for you to display certain levels of physical intimacy?

It isn’t just about what you are comfortable with sharing, it is important that it is mutually acceptable.  Each person should be able to set boundaries that are respected by others and each person should be respectful of others’ boundaries.  This isn’t always the case, and that can be very confusing when people cross the line of comfort of another.  In some cultures, for example, it isn’t appropriate to maintain eye contact with someone of the opposite sex.  It is considered to be disrespectful to do so, and is a clear sign of disrespecting the physical boundaries needed by another.

I would be remiss if I didn’t specifically address sexual intimacy…so I will briefly touch upon a few important (but not all inclusve) points.  First, sexual intimacy is best served when it is experienced as the ‘cherry on top’ of the intimacy sundae.  Sexual intimacy (I don’t care how liberated and modern you are) expresses the ultimate expression of depth of intimacy and is not just limited to an act of physical intimacy.  When sex is shared, there are other areas of intimacy that are stirred.  The testosterone and hormones released during sex stirs the hunger for attachment – male or female.  To open yourself to this level of vulnerability opens the door in all areas of intimacy and really deserves a post of its own.  So for now, let me just say that to limit sex under the heading of physical intimacy doesn’t serve you well or your relationships well.

Take care and have fun on this exciting adventure!

As you learn about yourself and others, the depth of all intimacies can be explored.  Proceed with care.  For intimacy brings about opening your heart to being vulnerable.  Being vulnerable can be a frightening place to be.  So be sure you are sharing intimacy depth with someone who is safe, good for you, and good for your heart.  For without some vulnerability, you will never expereince the depth of relationship and love that can be achieved with deep levels of intimacy.  When it is good, it is very good!

Love is more than just a feeling, it is participating in a connection that can be powerful in closeness. To experience the act of such love, you must challenge yourself to go to the depths of intimacy and connect with another person at a level that is seldom accomplished. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable to such a depth, the energy that can be experienced is as clear and radiant as an electrically charged bolt of lightning. The power almost raises you to a new level of experience. You are at a better place because of the exchange. The connection raises you and leaves you with a deep sense of happiness and contentment, yet you anxiously hunger for the fascinating journey that is promised.

As sentimental as this sounds (and I know it does) there is a physiological change that occurs when we experience this type of love. Over the past number of years, scientists have studied MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) of the brain when people experience love.

Researchers lead by Dr. Helen Fisher, found that feelings of intensive romantic love are linked to the area of the brain where there is a high level of dopamine activity (the brain chemical which produces feelings of satisfaction and pleasure). These areas of the brain are linked to feeling an increased energy, a motivation to win a reward, and feeling elated. In women this activity was primarily focused in the areas of the brain which are related to reward, emotion and attention. In men, the increase in activity was primarily found in the area of the brain responsible for visual processing – including the area associated with sexual arousal. (Dr Helen Fisher, of Rutgers University, New Brunswick, New Jersey)

As exciting and exhilarating as this deep love sounds, it takes a willingness to be vulnerable. You need to allow yourself to be open and exposed in all areas of love – intellectual, spiritual, emotional and physical. This is why loving to these depths is seldom realized… to be this vulnerable can be frightening… and shutting down is sometimes the only way to feel safe.

Lewis Smedes (Don’t you love his name?!) in his book, Love Beyond Limits, suggests that love is a spiritual gift – a gift which comes from God. His writing suggests the need to practice loving and receiving love. I wonder if what Smedes was suggesting is that love is not just a feeling, but rather a way to live – an action word. Love is a way of being in which we make a choice to participate each day and in every relationship we encounter. Smedes encourages us to choose to live love as is outlined in his book with 1 Corinthians 13:4-13 as his model.

• Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.
• It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
• It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
• Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
• Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever!
• Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture!
• But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.
• When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.
• Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
• Three things will last forever-faith, hope, and love-and the greatest of these is love.

Think about it, it makes perfect sense! If you live a life of love and find relationship partners who strive to live love as well, then you will feel more secure in your relationships. As a result, (when you feel safe and others feel safe as well) you will be able to explore depths of intimacy that charge the electricity of connection – of living love.

So choose relationship partners wisely and look for those people who live love as I Corinthians 13: 4-13 clearly instructs. When you do, you have just opened the door to an incredible possibility and the hope of what God desires for you and your relationships.

Pray for God to help you live your life in love so that you can be more: patient,
kind, humble, polite, compromising, tolerant, even-tempered, forgiving, justice seeking, honest, perseverant, faithful, hopeful, tolerant…

Knowing about my interest in studying relationships, a friend recently sent me an article, “How to Get the Man of Your Dreams to Love You.” This article coupled with the idea of fixing spouses got me thinking – so I Googled, “How to get someone to love you.” I got 63,700,000 hits…really!? Google offers links to that many sources about exerting my individual power over other people to manipulate them to love me!? Wow!!! That is a lot of potential manipulating. Here are some of my favorite book and article titles from the first three pages of the Google search results. (I didn’t go through all 63,700,000 of them!)

• “How to Make a Man Fall in Love with You”
• “How to Encourage a Woman to Fall in Love with you”
• “How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You”
• “How to Make Her Want You”
• “Make a Girl Become Obsessed With You”
• “How to Become a Man Magnet”
• “47 Ways to Make Her Love You”
• “How to Get Hot Women into Bed”
• “How to Get the Love You Want in 48 Hours”
• “How to Get and Keep a Good Man”

And then I found my favorite book title, “Get Over Yourself!: How to Get Real, Get Serious, and Get Ready to Find True Love.” (I haven’t read the book, but it does sound like it might be worth reading.) Why did this one draw my attention? Because it is one of the few that seems to focus on what really brings love into life – YOU! If you want love in your life then you have to start looking at how you need to be in relationships. Although catchy, the other titles are centered on learning the “tricks of the trade.” Once you have them mastered, you can control and manipulate your way to love. That just does not work!

Get over the idea that love is a gift to which you are entitled or an award you will win if you play the “love game” well. Love isn’t a contest. It isn’t a trophy or honor. It isn’t about manipulating and strategizing encounters and relationships so that you can win a prize. Love is not a prize – Love is a way to live. If you want love in your life then you need to start focusing on what is genuinely important for experiencing love – you learning to live a life of love?

Love is an action word. It is a state of being rather than an emotion. Emotions come and go. Love (when it defines your life) becomes a way of living. When you allow love to define you, it will last forever!

In all of the study and research I have done in the area of love and relationships, the best definition of love I’ve found is in the Bible. The “Love Chapter” (I Corinthians 13:4-13) really lays out the most excellent road map for how to live a life of love. The Bible is loaded with many examples of such guidance and excels at teaching that love’s definition is not that of an emotion, but rather it is a way for each of us to live…

Romans 12:10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

Galatians 5:14 For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Galatians 5:22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness…

Whether you are a Christian or not the Bible will serve you well in your quest of learning about real love. The next time you are interested in bringing more love into your life, begin by examining the thing that will matter most in the dance of love – yourself. Ask yourself…Are you living love? Are you being love? Are you doing love? For only when you start living love will you be ready to recognize real love in others and enjoy the benefits of a relationship based on love.

To really participate in a healthy communication process, love must be present. [I'm not talking about romantic love, but rather the general love as described by I Corinthians 13: 4-13. (patience, kindness, humbleness, politeness, compromising, tolerance, even-temperedness, forgiveness, longing for justice, honesty, perseverance, faithfulness, hopefulness) ] To effectively participate in the communication process, we must honor the need to preserve the relationship and that is what love is all about. When people feel they are being loved and cared for, their feelings are being honored and their willingness to be open in the communication process will be more apt to be enjoyed by all.

• Patience – Good communication is based on mutual patience – with all parties being willing to listen without interrupting or interjecting their opinions and (this is key) really listening. To really listen, you must put your thoughts on hold and be patiently in the moment – processing the other’s words – not formulating your response before they are finished speaking.

• Kindness – Use tact in communicating and let kindness be the yardstick which you use to measure your words. It is far too common, when we begin to feel frustrated or threatened, when our words are used as weapons to drive our agenda. If you feel a defensiveness bubbling up inside of you, employ your filter of kindness instead. This will help to keep the lines of communication open and flowing. Defensiveness shuts down the communication process – almost immediately.

• Humbleness- Accept the fact that you can’t read the other people’s minds – no one is that talented. No one can know what someone else means unless there is listening and the willingness to ask for clarification, if needed. On top of the mind reading assumption, sometimes communicators risk taking themselves too seriously. Lighten up! Employ humor or light-heartedness. Laughter releases brain chemicals which promotes a sense of contentment. Just make sure that you are laughing with someone (or at yourself) and not at someone else!

• Politeness – Be polite. As my father used to say…”if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!” Although I think sometimes the message may not be a nice message – it can always be delivered in a polite way. (See Patience and Kindness above!)

• Compromising – As wonderful as you are…and you are…you are not the center of the universe! There are other people with other opinions and sometimes they may be right and you may be wrong. Use the filter of empathy when communicating with others. What must it be like to walk in their shoes? Consider this always in communicating, giving it equal weight to your shoes!

• Tolerance - Exercise open-mindedness in all of your exchanges. Understand that all people have their own Lenses of Life through which they view the world and their experiences. Accept the fact that they do not view the world through your lenses – theirs are a different. As a result, we all come to the table of communication with a different point of view. Restraining from making judgments about another’s position, will keep us focused on listening which will then keep the conversation flowing.

• Even-Temperedness – See all of the above! If we focus on preserving the relationship, it is much easier to understand the importance of being even-tempered. If we lose our temper, then we have just become defensive and effective communication has shut-down.

• Forgiveness – By exercising forgiveness, we are focused on preserving the relationship and honoring the other person. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we are saying that it is okay to be a doormat. Rather, it suggests that the relationship is more important than preserving my ego. As a result, I will take the position of preservation rather than winning.

• Seeking Justice – When relationship preservation is the goal, then fairness is the focus. Not so much on demanding to be treated fairly, but rather treating other people in a fair and kind way. This also means setting good and healthy boundaries. Boundaries are not only necessary, but are healthy when employed appropriately.

• Honesty - Good communication is built on mutual respect, and respect depends on honesty. Focus on what is true (what are the facts based on your perception) and then look at how you feel about the facts. By focusing less on assuming or accusing another of their intention, look to what you know to be true. If you want to be productive in the dance of communication, be honest and straightforward from the start with yourself and with others.

• Perseverance – To persistently work at relationship preservation will always keep the lines of communication open. Never give up the focus on this goal and the chance that communication will continue to flow is good.

• Faithfulness – When desiring good communication flow, faithfulness must be exercised. Faithfulness to values, truth, integrity, the preservation of relationship, etc. When remaining faithful to all that is mentioned above, good communication can be enjoyed and relationships can be preserved.

• Hopefulness – Remain hopeful to the process of communication. When done correctly and focused on love, it brings richness to life. It is a process that can work when we practice, practice, practice…rehearse, know yourself and understand your lenses of life, empathize and above all else, love.

• “If I was good enough, he/she would love me.”
• “If I don’t do it, the job won’t get done or won’t be done right and people will be disappointed in me.”
• “If I volunteer more at church, I will be liked and respected.”
• “If I wear the latest clothes, I will be more popular with my classmates/co-workers/potential partners/friends.”
• “If I were thinner/more muscular/smarter/funnier he/she would love me.”
• “If my kids are always clean, neat and well behaved, everyone will believe I am a good parent and will respect me more.”
• “I know so much through my experiences, it is my responsibility to pass on this information to everyone whether they think it is important information or not.”
• “If I get the project done ahead of time, everyone will respect me.”
• “If my children are at the top of their class, people will believe I am a great parent and/or I will look good.”
• “If I make sure to get my children to all of the “right” activities rather than taking time for me, everyone will see what a great parent I am by my self-less sacrifices.”
• “If my spouse is always happy, then people will believe we have a great marriage/relationship.”
• “My spouse/significant other will always be happy if I just behave in a certain way and/or provide for their every need.”
• “If we pretend that the abuse isn’t happening, things will work out okay and people will see how great my family is. It is important to keep up appearances.”
• “If I can just avoid saying anything confrontational on the nights my spouse has been drinking then things will be fine.”
• “If I give 120% – one hundred percent of the time, everyone will see this and my life will be perfect.”
• “A job worth doing, is worth doing perfectly.”

All of these statements suggest a strong presence of co-dependent thoughts and behaviors. In all of the above statements there may be the motivation of trying to carry someone’s baggage rather than letting them carry it themselves. It may be a relationship where boundaries blend in too closely with those boundaries of family members, friends, coworkers, fellow students, neighbors, etc. - experiencing a state of being immeshed with others.

All of these examples suggest having control over (trying to manipulate) other peoples’ opinions, thoughts and feelings – being responsible for others. If we have co-dependant attitudes/behaviors, we believe that we are strong and all powerful – we are able to “make someone happy, sad, angry, furious, out of control, elated, content”…the list goes on and on. With co-dependant behaviors/attitudes come the belief that through our actions we control how all other people see us, value us, and respond to us. This is a recipe for potential relationship disaster.

More recently, “co-dependency” has been adapted to help describe the behaviors present in any dysfunctional relationship where one person sacrifices “self” in the hopes of satisfying the personal needs of feeling wanted, desired, loved, valued, etc.  These behaviors are also seen in the dysfunctional families where abuse (emotional, spiritual, physical or sexual) or abandonment is present. Co-dependency is generally used to describe any self-sacrificing, unhealthy behavior patterns which result from dysfunctional relationships from the past or present.  More fuel is then added to the fire when dysfunctional relationship patterns are carried on from one relationship to another. It’s a circular pattern of behavior that is dishonest at its heart and is often destructive for all those involved.

For our discussion, let us embrace and own the idea that having healthy relationships in life is a good thing. To be able to enjoy healthy relationships, we each need to be able to know what healthy relationship looks like.  One of the first steps in identifying healthy relationships is to be able to identify what we do and do not have control over in the relationship process.  The answer to this is quite simple – you only have control over yourself. 

If we understand that we can only control ourselves in relationships, it becomes obvious that this is the starting point - we need to make sure that we bring the best we can be to all of our relationships. What does it mean to be my best?  To learn how to be ”my best self” I need to understand the difference between being responsible for others and being responsible to others.

Everyone carries some baggage from their life’s journey.  Everyone is lugging around some different sized loads – but we all have a load to bear. It is irresponsible for anyone to try and dump their baggage on someone else and equally irresponsible for us to try and carry someone else’s. It is important that we all carry our own load. (I’ve always said, “If we have a heartbeat, we are carrying baggage.  It is how gracefully we carry it that matters.”)

With this baggage carrying analogy, it becomes easier to see that if someone is trying to carry the load of another person the weight can become unbearable (he/she has been dumped on).  While one is feeling over-burdened in the relationship, the other person is experiencing unbridled freedom – no worries or fewer worries. This isn’t a healthy position for either person.

Everyone has their own baggage or burdens to live through and carry. Life is just that way. Things happen on an everyday basis – we all must experience, learn and (hopefully) grow through these experiences - thus becoming more graceful at carrying our own burdens. If we try to carry baggage for another, we really are depriving the person of experiencing his/her life. We are getting in the way of the lessons that are being introduced to them. We are feeling responsible for another’s life – for their happiness – for their success – even for their failures.  That isn’t our job.

The same can be said if we try and get others to carry our life’s baggage. If we keep handing it off and not dealing with it ourselves then we are expecting someone else to be responsible for our lives. We are giving up our power and a fundamental sense of self and freely giving it to someone else. We will miss out on all of the opportunities we are presented to experience, learn and grow as a person. We will never learn how to gracefully walk with our burdens – our baggage. We are not being responsible for our self or our life.

Instead, it is a much more healthy approach to living if we consider ourselves responsible to other people rather than being responsible for other people. Sometimes life dumps a trunk on us and we need genuine help to carry it. It is far too heavy to carry alone. These are times in life that are extra heavy, extra difficult, extra trying. In these cases we are all responsible to ask for help and those of us who are able would be loving and supportive to help others during those times of trial – i.e. illness, death, divorce, natural disaster, abuse, war, etc. These times call for assistance – a temporary sharing of the load that someone has experienced in their life. (That is one of the blessings of relationships.)  To help the person struggling is to be responsible to them – we are there to help, supporting others during difficult times of trial and pain. We are assisting, not trying to carry or control the burden alone. We are helping out for a while until such time as the trial is lifted or it passes.

It is important that each of us learns to carry our own baggage and experience the life lessons that come our way.  It is equally important that we support and love others to carry their loads – and allow them to learn their life lessons.  Healthy love is the key to the co-dependency relationship issues.  We should strive to live a life of love with all of our relationships where kindness, gentleness, grace, support and encouragement are present without trying to take over and control situations or manipulate circumstances in an other’s life.