So, how can you get back on track?  How can you clear away the muck that life throws your way so that you may be able to enjoy a more satisfying and love-filled life?

It would be a mistake to think that you can achieve anything on your own merits, your own strength or your own perseverance.  You may be strong and tenacious.  But only through the power of the Holy Spirit in your heart can you experience the grace needed to move through a life full of adversity – and still experience the joy and heartfelt happiness for which we all hunger.

You cannot be a victim of your circumstances when God fills your heart.  You cannot be a victim of others when the love of Christ Jesus washes you with God’s promise and peace.  To experience God in this imperfect world is but a foretaste of all wonderful dreams coming true.  It is as close to happiness as anyone can wish to get this side of Heaven.

“Our passion for God must be awakened till it becomes the controlling center of our life.”  Larry Crabb – Soul Talk

Can you let go of your selfish need to control the circumstances of your life and give control completely over to God?

Thoughts for journaling…

Tell me about the most wonderful dream you have for your life.  What do you want for your life, more than anything else?  What is the most important goal or dream you have for you?  Tell me about what that dream looks like.  I want details and examples of what your life would be like if your dream came true – just as you want it.

Next, I want you to tell me what stands in the way of your dream becoming your reality.  What things, people, situations, etc. are getting in the way of you living your dream?  Of those things, what do you not have any control over that seem to be standing in your way?  What people are you waiting for that haven’t jumped on board with your dream and where you want to be?  What do you need from these people or things that you aren’t getting?

Now, I want you to look deep within your heart and feel the presence of the Holy Spirit.  What things are within The Holy Spirit’s power that could help your dream come true?  What do you have – deep in your heart – that you could use to make your life feel more fullfilling or happy?   What things would you need to change in order for your special dream to become your special reality?  What things and people have you given your personal power to, leaving you feeling as if they hold the key to your dream?  (If you are stuck, look at the above paragraph!)

Over what parts of your dream do you need to give up control?  Those parts of your dream to which you’re holding on so tightly that you are afraid to loosen your grip?

It is said that Thomas Aquinas believed that we have two options open to us in how to live our lives.   We can either live to get the good we think we need or we can live to enjoy the good we’ve already been given.  How do Thomas Aquinas’s words reflect on your efforts in achieving a happy life?  Are you moving forward longing for the things you think you want, or rather with a heart filled with The Holy Spirit’s power, grace and love which will guide and help you define what it is that you truely need to be happy?

Pray on this…how can you take back that power that is yours through Christ Jesus?  Right here and right now?

Philippians 4:4-9

Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

For years, I’ve been encouraging my clients to keep a Beauty Journal – a journal used to physically record all the things that went right in a day.  Why do I think this is an important exercise?  Well, just take a moment and look around you.  How much of your world is full of negativity and sadness, destruction and despair, heart ache and heart brokenness?  These things are everywhere!  They surround us.  And if there aren’t enough of them in your own, personal life the media will make sure that you get your fill.

It is amazing that more people are not swept away in the depths of depression when experiencing this fallen world.  I know that many chose to ignore the pain that surrounds them and they are able to “create” a world that is more comfortable by denying the reality of the world and relationships.  (i.e., “My husband really isn’t physically abusive.  He just had a bad day.”  “My daughter really doesn’t have a drug problem.  She’s just going through a phase.”  “I really do not have a drinking problem.  I just need a drink to relax after work.”  “I really want this new high definition television and paying off the credit won’t take that long.  I work hard, I deserve it.”  “I really don’t work that many hours.  Money is important.  My wife and kids understand.” …)

It is important to develop some honesty when looking at what is going on around you.  Take an honest look and take it in.  The reality of our fallen world is heavy.  But don’t stop there.  I challenge you to look deeper – for the beauty.

In and amongst all that is fallen, God provides so much that is rich and beautiful.  We just often times miss it because of all the negativity that surrounds us.  Did you know that research has revealed that it takes nine positive things to undo the impact of one negative thing on our human psyche?  It is almost as if the negativity in our world has a powerful magnet drawing our attention. It is as if we are automatically pulled to what is negative and the power that the negativity has is 9 times more powerful than a moment of joy.  It is because of this that we must become more proactive in seeking out all that is good.

If we stop looking toward those things that suck the life and  joy out of us and start looking to those things that are “true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable” and claim them as the God-given gifts they are, we would begin to enjoy more moments with God’s peace filling our hearts.  The peace that passes all understanding can be ours…it can be yours!  God has placed all that is beautiful in our world to fill us with the experience of his love.  We must seek out the beauty, claim these things as the gifts they are and hold them in our hearts.

This is where the Beauty Journal comes into play.  The negativity in our lives is a habit of thought.  Change the habit!  Actively seek  out the beauty!  The Beauty Journal is simple.  It only takes three simple steps to complete.  You can handle that!

1) Look for 10 Beautiful Things -

I challenge you to start looking for 10 things a day that bring lightness to your heart, a smile to your face, a peace to your mind.  What are 10 things that are gifts that God is bringing into your day…just 10!  They can be as simple as your car starting with the first turn of the key all the way to something as glorious a beautiful sunrise.  I don’t care what they are…I know they are there.

2) Claim Them As Your Own -

Write them down.  Get a journal (get a piece of paper!) and write them down – EVERYDAY – into your journal.  By writing them down, you are claiming them and making them your own.  Have you ever thought about claiming a sunrise as your own?  If not, why?  God could have made the sunrise without all of the beauty that comes with it.  He could have been practical and just made the sunrise simply functional.  But he didn’t.  He made it beautiful – for you!  He wants you to be reminded about how crazy he is about you!

3) Hold Them In Your Heart -

As you write these 10 things down, day after day, hold them in your heart.  Read the list, every  day!  As you read over the list of gifts that are given and you’ve claimed, the gift of the beauties literally multiplies right in front of your eyes.  You will visually see the power of God’s gifts as reminders of his presence in your life.  As you daily reflect on these gifts and praise God for them, the peace that passes all understanding will fill you.  It can’t help but happen.

What is the catch?  There is one!  You have to be an active participant.  You have to do your part.  God provides the beauty.  You have to experience it.  If someone gives you a beautifully wrapped and carefully selected birthday gift and you never open it – what’s the point?  The same is true with the gifts from God.  You have to do your part and receive them!

You must look for the gifts, claim them as your own and hold them in your heart.  When you do, you may be surprised at how the  negativity in the world loses its power and how the gifts start filling your days and your heart.  It will become a habit to look for these things.  It will become part of you.  God’s love will fill you and you will experience God in every beautiful thing.  From the pen that has ink in it to the awesome show of a lightening display to the song of a bird to the laughter of a baby – God’s love will flow through the gifts he is giving you and the peace that passes all understanding will fill your heart and mind – negativity will have no room!

Change your life – look for God’s gifts of beauty!

With our world weighing down on us, it is important that we learn to deliberately make decisions and adopt behaviors and thoughts that are healthy for us.  This doesn’t mean that we ignore those things that bring distress to our day.  Instead, we are to challenge ourselves to think about them in a more clear and honest way – “In the overall scheme of things – how big is this problem?”  Or…”How big is our God!?”

Often times our feelings of depression, anxiety and despair result from you trying to take control over things which you have no control.  This is a battle of anguish that you cannot win, nor that you can possibly overcome.  It is impossible to control so many things in this world – and I am compelled to ask, “Is it even your job to control these things?”

Look over the suggestions offered below that challenge your habitual ways of looking at life’s challenges.  What would your life look like if you could make these your new rules for living?  How would your life be different?  What about these things could leave you enjoying a blessed peace of mind and embracing all that God has gifted you to be and to start seeing yourself through His eyes of love?

1.  Choose to trust God and His word

When you embrace the truth that there are many things about life over which you have no control; you can do one of two things.  You can either take on a “victim” approach to thinking which reinforces the rule of living that things happen to “poor you” no matter what you do or how you do it.  

Or, you can take the position that you trust God, no matter what happens.  You trust that He will always provide for you – sometimes in ways that seem beyond your understanding – but you know He is always there.  You know that if this door closes, there will be another that will open.  Although you may not feel you have the inner strength needed to make it through the day on your own, you know that God is there with you – no matter what – and his presence in your life will get you through your current struggle(s).

 2.  Let go and let God –

To really let go and let God, you must embrace the first point mentioned above.  It means letting go of the need to control your life and life’s circumstances over which you have no control.  One of the behaviors that always leads to anxiety and depression is when you try to control those things that aren’t yours to control.  You want a world of no war.  You want loving and lovely children.  You want relationships that lift you up instead of tearing you down.  You want health instead of illness.  You want security instead of questions.  You want your life to be filled with the realization of all your hopes and dreams.

But, sometimes life doesn’t work that way.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people.  Sometimes there is evil in the world.  Sometimes you get sick.  Sometimes your relationships are abusive.  Sometimes you lose your job.  Sometimes life hands you the opposite of what you want.  You need to let go of what you define as important – the way you want your life to be and instead start looking for all of the blessing God has filled your life with.  They are there.  Let go of YOUR definition of what “should” be and embrace God’s definition of what is.  Always set a focus on God – He is bigger than all of our trials – He is always there.

3.  Embrace the power that God has gifted to you –

God has given each person power in their lives.  You have a personal power in the form of self-control and adaptation.  You can choose to search for the next door that may present itself, or you can quit and get stuck at the closed door.  You get to choose.

One of the greatest tools to use in exercising this self-power is your mind.  Your mind is one of your strongest allies, if you know how to use it.  You have the power to choose to focus on the good surrounding you in the world or you have the power of focusing on the negative things that are there.  (I promise you that there are both!)  We start seeing and experiencing those things that we want to see and experience.  What we look for and observe become almost habit.  Where do you focus your attention?

To really experience personal growth you need to be able to exercise your power by saying over and over (no matter what happens), “God is with me and whatever happens, I will handle it with His help.”  When fear, hurt or pain starts entering your day, remind yourself that God is bigger and that all and the power he has given you is bigger than any fear or pain you may be feeling.  So when the “what-ifs” in life start driving you crazy, simply cut them off – exercise your personal power and know that no matter what happens God is with you and you can handle it!

 4.  Embrace the lessons life has to offer –

Many of life’s challenges are just busting with potential lessons.  One of the easiest ways of removing your focus from a “victim” way of thinking to an “embracing life” way of living is by looking for the lesson that is there – for there is always a lesson…always.  If you view all of life’s experiences as opportunities for personal growth, it will help you let go of your need to have things go a certain way – your way.  You will become more comfortable and confident facing challenges and growing in your faith of God.  You will be fully able to let go and let God.  For your confidence in His presence and belief in His love for you will help you focus on learning all of life’s lessons instead of ridding your life of the struggles you have faced.

 5.  Collect and embrace the “heroes” in your life –

Look around you.  There are people you know and people you have heard of that are living heroes.  People who – no matter what their life circumstances – are living and growing in life.  To collect these heroes, you need to deliberately look for them and then to them for inspiration in learning.  Who do you know (even if you don’t know him/her personally) that inspires you?  Who seems to have been able to embrace all the life-lessons presented no matter what life sends their way?  Who do you know that is living a full life as a “lover of life” rather than a victim?  Who are your heroes?

 6.  Look for your Blessings –

Life is full of gifts and blessings.  Are you seeing them?  Do you recognize when they are there or do you focus so much on those things that bring you challenges that you forget to take a moment to bask in the glory of all the beauty and love that God provides you each and every day?  As you go through your day, take inventory of the beauty God has sent your way.  Begin noticing all, even the little things that are given to you each moment.  The sunrise, a delicious piece of chocolate, a baby’s smile, a stranger’s kindness, a beautiful piece of music, a perfect rose, the company of a new friend…do you see them?  Are you unwrapping the beauty of this gift?  Are you taking inventory of all the glorious gifts that are here for you?

 7.   Live a life of meaning –

There is an incredible sense of accomplishment when you decide to make a difference in your little corner of the world.  Living a life of meaning is making the conscious decision to think and behave in such a way that your presence serves as a gift to others.  This is a way you can pass on the beauty to all of those we encounter.  Do you share grace so that people experience the love of Christ in your actions and words?  Or do you make the decision to get agitated when someone cuts you off on the freeway?  Do you get angry at the person with 12 items in the 10 items or less isle at the grocery store?  Do you become furious when you partner or friend is 30 minutes late because she stopped to carry in the elderly neighbor’s groceries?

As you go through your days are you – the person cutting others off – in the express line with an extra 1 or 3 items – are you chronically late – are you throwing your garbage out your car window – do you give a dirty look to the waitress that just spilled your water?  Make a difference in the world, even if it is just a small difference.  Leave today better than where you found it.  Pass a little love and grace forward.

As you live each and every day choosing to adopt these changes in your life, you will find a whole new sense of peace – a peace that is coming from within you – within your heart.  As you let go of the worries, concerns, hurts, pains, disappointments…of each day, you will have more room to experience and embrace the love God wants to share with you.  To live your life with an attitude of generosity, grace and love – toward yourself and toward your world!  God will use the vessel of you in loving and wonderful ways and you will begin to understand the peace that passes all understanding as those people you encounter will see the love of Christ in your eyes.

The Stanford Forgiveness Project - Frederic Luskin, Ph.D.

http://www.learningtoforgive.com/steps.htm

Nine Steps to Forgiveness

Our definition of forgiveness holds that forgiveness consists primarily of taking less personal offense, reducing anger and reducing the blaming of the offender, and developing increased understanding of situations that often lead to feeling hurt and angry.

1.  Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2.  Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better.  Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3.  Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”

4.  Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years -ago.  Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

5.  At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.

6.  Give up expecting things from other people, or your life , that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7.  Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8.   Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.
Forgiveness is about personal power.

9.   Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive. 

The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt, depression and stress and Leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self-confidence. Practicing forgiveness influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty & love.

I received an email from a client who was struggling with many of the hurts that holiday expectations can bring to the surface.  She asked if I had any words of encouragement for her before Christmas arrived…any thoughts that I could share that might help her get through the holiday and weekend.  The following is what resulted as I typed a reply to the same inquiry last Christmas.  As the question often comes up during the holidays, I thought it good to revisit my reply of last year. 

I’m not sure it is all that wise (as I can be a bit over-the-top) and it is definitely optimistic and even a bit schmaltzy…but I do believe it to be a good chunk of thought provoking composition.  I wanted to share it with you – in the hopes that you could be gently reminded that the Gift of Christmas is for everyone – even you! 

Have a blessed Christmas and may it be filled with the light of God’s gift of love – for you!

Jackie

As I wrote last year… 

I’m not sure how wise any words I have at this time of the day could possibly be!  But…I will try. 

First, let me share a thought that came to me this weekend while watching the movie The Nativity.  (Have you seen it?  It is in DVD now and I bought it.  It may not be completely Biblical, but it is lovely and very touching.  Yes, I cried!)  Anyway…in the movie, when Mary is told that she is to be the mother of Jesus, she is troubled by the realities of her culture.  She is not married, she is betrothed, and she is now pregnant – surely she could be a possible victim to the ‘justice’ of the time – death by stoning.  There is a scene where she doesn’t know what to do or where she can go to get the loving support she knows she needs.  She then thinks of Elizabeth. 

As Mary arrives to visit Elizabeth, Elizabeth greets her with the knowledge that she knows Mary is with child – and a glorious child at that.  There was no judgment in Elizabeth’s greeting – no criticism –no condemnation – just love.  So much love, that Elizabeth shared that the child she carried (John the Baptist) leapt for joy at the sound of Mary’s voice.  They were happy Mary was there.

It was clear in the movie that Mary didn’t believe she would receive the support she needed from her immediate family nor her community.  So, she sought the support she needed elsewhere – she went searching for it outside of what felt like the relationships from where she “should” have been able to embrace it – she sought the support she needed from her cousin, Elizabeth.  She actively looked for the gifts that God was providing outside of what “should” be the norm – what is naturally expected.

What are your expectations – your “shoulds?”

This piece of our Christmas story has never struck me as deeply as it did this weekend.  What a beautiful example of keeping our eyes open for God’s gifts when so many doors seem to be shut.  Are we open to receiving?  Are we looking for those blessings that may be missed because what “should be” just is falling short of our longings/our expectations/of what we desire? 

That hurt sometimes is so incredibly overwhelming that we lose sight of the good because the bad feels so incredibly heavy.  The scene from this movie shone as a beacon of hope for me this weekend.  For every door that is closed, another will open – God does promise He is always there for us.  Am I open to receiving the promise of His love?  Are you?

Is the magnifying glass distorting what is true?

Holiday seasons and special occasions often act as a magnifying glass – reminding us of the doors that have shut so painfully hard.  These ‘special’ days seem to bring attention to the fact that we are struggling with hurts/pains/voids in our lives.  It is important that we remember that today is really no different than two weeks ago – it is just that darn magnifying glass.  Remove that lens and try to look for all of the new, open doors that you may be missing.  How is God trying to reach you?  How is He trying to share His love with you? 

Look around you…is there someone in your office that seems to be alone?  Invite them to a special day/evening with you.  Go to a movie, have dinner, make dinner, play games, etc.  Do you see someone or some people at church that may also be feeling the impact of that magnifying glass this holiday season?  Invite them to join you as well.  The more the merrier!  Reaching out, in and of itself, often times serves as the tool we need to remove the impact of that magnifying glass that distorts the reality of our lives.

Practice some self-care!

Have a party – for many or for only you!  Do something special, rent a good movie, fix a fine meal, have a glass of champagne or sparkling grape juice in a real champagne glass – add a ribbon – doll up the festivity.

Write a “Why my life is wonderful” list or story.  Write a “thank you” letter to God.  Take some deliberate time and look for those open doors in your life.  What about you do you love?  It is like taking an inventory of you and your life.  I promise you there are good things and happy things there – what are they?  Take a moment to identify them.  Are you missing them because that magnifying glass is having you focus in another direction – distorting the reality of the gift of you?  Focus on the good – it is there – look for it.

God’s promise is for you!

It is a hard time to be single and/or feeling alone/ or missing someone – especially in our society.  We do feel the pressure of all of the “what should be’s” and we can feel the burden.  It would serve all of us well to focus on the lesson of Mary this holiday season.  If we do not have the love and support of the people we “should” be able to count on during the holidays, let’s seek it out somewhere else.  Even if it means we have to travel outside of the familiar and move into the unknown.  God promises He is there to help us with this journey – He will provide – He is always here for us – always!

I know that at some level this may sound like a bunch of ’corny’ suggestions (I can come up with those!) - but they do help remove the power of the magnifying lens.  Know that much of what you are hurting from is only magnified right now – distorted as a result of the focus on holiday expectations - let’s remove that lens – as best we can!

Take care…and much like Mary – “ponder these things in your heart.”  Your heart is where some of God’s best work is done!  That is where God loves to be!

Have a blessed Christmas!
Jackie

The stress-filled time of the holidays is officially upon us.  Just last week while I was checking out the post-Halloween candy sale isle in the local discount store, I overheard two women lamenting on the length of their Christmas shopping lists.  I was saddened that these two women were already consumed with thoughts of Christmas shopping even though it was only the first week of November.

As I turned the corner and went to the next ‘seasonal’ isle, I became very aware of why they had been lamenting.  The Christmas tree display was up and twinkling and the isles that once were full of costumes and candy were now full of ornaments, lights, wreaths, wrapping paper, garland, stockings, etc.  And to think that I was planning on buying an autumn mum that day!  No such luck!  Where the mums had been displayed a week before, there were now wonderful red poinsettias.  How did I miss the autumn mums on November 2nd!?  Could I find any holiday napkins and plates for Thanksgiving Day?  No!  They were gone, too – replaced by napkins with snowmen, trees, poinsettias, etc.  I was too late for Thanksgiving?!  Don’t even get me started on the television and mail order industries!

It really is beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!

Stress Triggers

The holidays, under the best of circumstances, start triggering excessive stress.  It is undeniable.  When we start thinking of ‘family time’ and holiday schedules blood pressures usually begin to rise, almost immediately.  (Can you feel the tension tighten in your neck just as you read this?) 

Holiday stress is much more common than people realize.  As a matter of fact, November 1st brings about the busiest time of year for most mental health professionals.  Our calendars will be pretty full from now through the end of February.  The primary request is almost always the same, “Jackie, please help me mentally prepare for the agony of family time/holiday schedules/dwindling money.  I just don’t know how to handle _____!”  (You fill in the name of the family members, party, friends, obligations, etc.)

I anticipate that the stress of the holidays will seem a little more overwhelming this year.  With the war, the economy, the possible (or realized) lack of job security…our Stress Platter is pretty full already and we’veonly just begun.  Add to the above the historical button pushing that our family members are famous for and our cup will runneth over with the stress experience.  We, as a society and individually, are on overload.  It is too much stress for any one person to handle. 

12 Stress Management Tips

I have come up with a list of 12 simple stress management techniques that (if you practice them) will help you manage what otherwise may seem like too much.  Remember (and this is important)…you have to use these tips in order for them to work.

1) Stay focused on the reason for the season. 

Between now and New Year’s Eve, focus on why we are celebrating at all this time of year.  

Thanksgiving was first designed as a celebratory way to give thanks to God for the gifts experienced in the new land of freedom.  It wasn’t an easy life.  Actually, it was a difficult and hard life, but the pilgrims gathered to give thanks to God for all they had been given.  “And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”  (Ephesians 5:20)

Christmas is an opportunity to celebrate the birth of our Savior who paid the price of our sins.  “God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.” (John 3:17)  God brought salvation and peace through the birth of Christ.  WOW!  A time that was originally given to us to celebrate our salvation turned into a high-stress season?!  We added the pressure of gifts, holiday gatherings and parties, and disappointed expectations – that was never part of the original package.  We sure messed up a good thing there!

New Year is the final in the celebration trio.  To many people, the new year represents the gift of new opportunities or a time to start living true to how God directs them to live.  This gift is not designed to add more stress into the new year, but rather to bring hope and a reminder that God is still here.   “Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.”  (Hebrews 10:36)

2) Breathe!!!!

One of the top stress relievers is learning to physically relax.  Take time to talk your body out of the stress mode and relax you muscles and your mind.  Spend time in quite prayer and meditation.  “Be still and know I am God.”  (Psalm 46:10)

3) Simplify and learn to say, “No.” 

How many trees do you need to put up and how many decorations do you really need to display?  Take a look at your calendar, prioritize and then erase EVERYTHING that you can cut out from the obligation of the season.  “No” is sometimes difficult to say.  But learn that it may be one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal against stress.  Say “no” to over obligating yourself and then take time to smell the pine! 

4) Under-spend! 

Take a look at your shopping/wish lists.  How much do you really need to buy and/or get as gifts?  Maybe you and your peeps can get together andadopt a less fortunate family…feed or clothe the homeless…give to those more in need.  Then, your family celebration can consist of a genuine thanksgiving of all that you enjoy and have surrounding you and you won’t have to worry about how you will pay for everything when January rolls around.

5) Send out E-Cards and go green.  

A subscription to a good greeting card website will not only save you time and money, but it will also save the world a lot of trees and energy.

6) Be flexible. 

There is a lot of stress experienced by families, blended families and in families with adult children juggling their in-law family activities.  Lighten up and spread out the good cheer.  Who says that Thanksgiving can only be celebrated on a Thursday in November and that a Christmas dinner is less wonderful on December 18th?!   Be flexible in your celebration planning and who knows…you may have a longer, more fulfilling, less stressful season.

7) Be proactive against loneliness.  

For many people, the holidays serve as a painful reminder that they are not in a significant relationship and loneliness can seem overwhelming.  If this happens to be you, then you need to step up to the plate of self care and fill your time with other people.  Volunteer at a shelter, your church, call some other single friends, host a holiday potluck, etc.

8) Take care of yourself! 

Get enough sleep, exercise and eat a healthy – balanced diet.  The more healthy and rested you are, the more stress you will be able to comfortably handle.

9) Let go of your expectations. 

To many, the holidays represent a time to mourn the loss of unmet expectations – either of ourselves or others.  Examine those expectations and then evaluate how important it is to keep holding on to them.  Sometimes, by letting go, we free ourselves to enjoy the people we do have in our lives and the happiness we can experience with them.  Don’t let unmet expectations get in the way of you enjoying all of the wonderfulness you do have to celebrate.

10) Guard your buttons. 

It is important to remember they are your buttons.  People can only push them if you let them.  Know from where your buttons originate and then keep them in carefully under guard.  Most of the time, we allow our buttons to be pushed based on memories of when we were young rather than how things need to be today.  You are an adult now, so don’t let people get to your buttons!

11) Lighten Up!

Sometimes when stress fills our waking hours we just need to havea good belly laugh.  Laughter really is the best medicine.  When we laugh, our brain responds in kind by releasing chemicals that bring a sense of well-being and joy into our day.  So, when all else seems to be too much to handle, find something fun and funny and enjoy!

12) Live Love. 

I Corinthians 13paints a beautiful portrait of what living love looks like.  Make sure you are bringing your loving self to every relationship (even with strangers) this holiday season.  Start everyday with the following prayer based onI Corinthians 13…

Heavenly Father,

 Please help me begin and liveeach day with love.  My prayer today andthroughout this holiday season is that I may approach all of my relationships (even withstrangers) as you would want me to, with love.  Please help me be more patient, kind, humble, polite, compromising, tolerant, even-tempered, forgiving, justice seeking, honest, perseverant, faithful, hopeful and tolerant.  With these love skills, I know that the gift of love that you haveshared with all through your grace will bubble up inside of me and spill out toward all the world.  Help me free my heart of all previous hurts andpains so that I may share with all my friends and family the love that will create a sense of joy in this holiday season and prayerfully throughout the New Year.  In your loving son’s name I pray…Amen!

If you look around, there are signs of it everywhere.  Magazines advertise lotions and creams that smooth wrinkles and remove age spots.  Are you loosing hair?  No problem there are creams and shampoos waiting to help fill in the thinning patches.  You are told of make-ups that will minimize flaws in our skin and, if that doesn’t work, there are always injections or plastic surgery.  You can tuck your tummy, enlarge your breasts, lift your chin, transplant your hair, shape your buttocks, enlarge your pecks, vacuum your cellulite, and whiten your teeth…just to name a few of the options available to help us attain “perfection.”  The American Society of Plastic Surgeons reported that there were over 12 million cosmetic procedures done in the United States during 2008.  This represented a 63% increase from the number of procedures done in 2000.  

 In your search for perfection, you are constantly challenged to buy the right automobile, be endowed with the most gorgeous figure, reside in the most suitable neighborhood, wear stylish clothes, attend the popular clubs, send your children to the best schools, travel to the most popular destinations, decorate your home in this year’s most glamorous colors and serve the most gourmet of meals on tastefully decorated tablescapesmade from the most gorgeous of serving pieces.  How can you possibly live up to that much perfection?  Even the ads created to promote these things are subject to special effects and airbrushing.  You can’t even believe the photographs or your own eyes anymore.

You are constantly bombarded with the message that “perfectionism” should be your ultimate goal.  It is no wonder that you transfer this need for perfection into all aspects of your daily lives.  You view yourself in the same high-standard, “need-to-be-perfect” way.  Unless you are perfect you find it difficult to believe that you are of value.  To satisfy your need to be loved (in spite of our insecurities) you often strive to do whatever you can, at almost any cost, to provide for the needs of those in your life.  If you could just attain perfection, then others would have to love you.  Right?  Well…maybe not…

Are you being genuine?

By giving more and doing more for others you long to secure their love.  But, you can never guarantee that someone will value you more if you give all of yourself to them or if you perfect yourself for them.  In your attempts to be loved, you may find yourself attempting to manipulate those around you to love you more because of what you are doing for them, rather than because of who you are as a person.  You want to become indispensable, vital, and important to the objects of your affection.  You think that if you please them, you feel certain that they will return the positive affection you so hungrily desire and crave.  You want to be everything to everyone…then everyone will love you.  If it were only this easy!  If you only had that kind of power and control over the love in your life.

It just doesn’t work that way.  You don’t have power or control over other people and their attitudes, behaviors or feelings.  The best you can hope for is to live honestly and true to yourself.  By doing so, you can then be more content and comfortable in your own skin…you will love yourself more…allowing love to come to your genuine self rather than to some “perfectly” manufactured shell of a person.  The more you love yourself, the more genuine love you will be able to give…unconditionally.  Then in turn, the more genuine will be the love that is returned in your direction.  You will begin to appreciate the fact that you have done the best that you could at any particular point in time…just as everyone else is doing and being the best they can be.

Living True to How God Has Defined You – Love

It sounds rather easy, doesn’t it?  What would it be like if you were to live true to how God has created you and defined you…being comfortable with doing the best you can do today, and accepting that as enough for now?  What a wonderful idea!  But how do you get there?

One of the most important steps in accepting yourself as less than perfect and embracing where you are today is to practice living a life full of love – with compassion and grace.  Since early in your childhood, you have been taught the importance of loving others.  It is well accepted and known that you are to “love our neighbors as yourself.”  Although that part isn’t always easy, our culture has attempted to incorporate this value and concept into our lives as a truth (even if we don’t always live it).  God tells you to live this way – and you know that you need to strive to that end.  You know and accept that love and compassion for others are what you should strive for…a concept you can easily embrace.  The part that is oftentimes much more challenging is exercising a loving and compassionate heart toward yourself.

Jesus taught us to love our neighbors as ourselves.  Not, love your neighbor more than you love yourself, nor to love your neighbor at all costs to yourself or your self-worth.  You were taught that you should treat all people with patience, kindness, selflessness, respect, consideration, compassion and love…including yourself.  All of God’s creatures are to be embraced for being wonderful, just the way they are right now.  God’s unconditional love defines you and His grace, through the death and resurrection of Jesus, allows your repentant heart to be “good enough” in spite of your brokenness.

You Were Made In God’s Image

If you remember that you were made in God’s image and He knew your name before you were born, you may then begin to appreciate how His grace extends compassion to you.  You see, God made you special.  So special in fact, that He sent His son, Jesus to free you from your sins.  You are God’s love and you are here on earth to honor and love Him.  If you fail to honor the “temple” with which he has gifted you, aren’t you failing to honor Him?  He has given you all you have and are.  That includes your big nose, flat (or big) chest, wrinkles, sags, bags, and scars…emotional and physical.  Those things don’t make you less than perfect…that makes you perfect in His image…just as you are.  You see God doesn’t make mistakes – you are not a mistake.

To be perfect means you are just right…today, and that if you are good enough for God to treat with love and compassion – then who are you to not extend a similar grace unto yourself?  To be perfect is really just allowing the human condition to exist, even in yourself, yet still loving yourself in an unconditional way…generously and compassionately with a humble and repentant heart.  To love yourself as you love your neighbors…to strive to love all, including yourself, as God loves you…now, that’s perfection!!!!!

Know Who You Are

To help you develop a loving and compassionate pose when thinking of your self-identity, it is a good idea to be familiar with who you are and why you respond in the ways you do.  (Become familiar with your ‘buttons.’)  This knowledge helps with self-understanding.  Self-understanding then can empower you to know when it is safe to open your heart to self-compassion.  Knowing yourself means to know where you’ve been, accepting those parts of your life journey, and moving forward knowing that you are better off today than you were before – because of the lessons learned and God’s grace. 

Most importantly, your quest for perfection should be a never ending journey of getting to know your creator.  Spend time alone with God and His word.  Hear what He has to say about His character and what He has to say about you.  The Bible is an incredible love letter from God to you.  When you learn about God’s love you cannot help but have your hurts and pains released and your heart filled with His love.  Then, without even realizing it, your heart will overflow with love and it will bubble up and out into the world around you.  Your life journey is a process of learning and growing.  When you open the door to the knowledge of God’s love - joy beyond your wildest dreams will be experienced.  Now, that is perfection!

 I agree with the authors’ premise that it is important to focus on the good things in life, but it is from that point forward where my philosophy of life takes a different turn.  I do believe it is important to focus on the good rather than putting all of our energy in thinking about the bad: worries, anxieties and those things beyond our control.  But, I don’t believe that by focusing on good, that anyone has the power to bring those beautiful things into life, or that if you focus on the bad, you are only inviting the bad things to invade your paradise.  Beauty and sadness are all around you.  It is what you focus on (what you are looking for) that defines your experience.  The potential of unbridled happiness is there – everywhere.  You just need to focus on it, so you see it.  If you don’t look for it, you won’t ever see it – but it is there all of the time – all around you.

Grandma

My grandmother seemed to excel at finding the beauty in the world.  At the young age of 13, she had to quit school after her 8th grade year, and begin working.  Coming from a large, Danish, immigrant family of 12 children at the beginning of the 1900’s, the sons were the only ones allowed to finish school through 12th grade.  If you were a daughter in my grandma’s family, you didn’t return to school after 8th grade.  Instead, you went to work as a house girl for a wealthy family in the surrounding area.

 For my grandmother, her assigned wealthy family happened to be 50 miles away from her home and family.  For a 13 year-old girl to move in with a strange family 50 miles away is an incredible concept to me.  Can you begin to imagine what that must have been like?  Without automobile transportation, 50 miles was a very time consuming trip by horse and wagon, and even more lengthy by foot.  But, that was expected and that is what my grandmother did.

 She didn’t talk much about that time.  When she did tell me about it, she never complained but rather, reflected on it with a sparkle in her eye.  She then quickly would move into the part of her life’s story where she played the “fiddle” with a band for barn dances.  That is how she met my grandfather.  He was an early 1900’s “groupie.”  He followed Grandma from barn dance to barn dance until he finally won her heart.  Grandma and Grandpa met when she was 18 years-old.  She loved to share that story with me.  She loved music, and she loved Grandpa.  It was a beautiful story and I cherish it to this day.  I think I especially enjoy this story since it was so obvious to me that Grandma was focusing on all of the joy from her youth to share with me – rather than the difficulties of being separated from her family or not being allowed to finish school.

 On the Lake

 When I was very young, I would spend time at my grandparent’s home.  It was on Beed’s Lake in Northern Iowa.  It is a small lake, yet it was beautiful in scenery.  Houses were all along the northern shoreline – up the hill from the water.  On the south side of the lake there still is a state park, campgrounds, swimming area, and a dam.  As teenagers, we would always take a walk around the lake.  Not much more than an hour or two, depending on how many things we needed to stop and see along the way.  We always stopped at the dam, though.  Watching the water splashing over the rocks as it fell to the stream below was always mesmerizing.  There was something quite spiritual about sitting next to the dam and walking around the stream…it was so tranquil…even with the sound of the crashing water.

 Grandma and Grandpa’s home was on the northern shore of the lake.  The house was up the hill about 200 yards from the shore.  I would sit for hours on the dock, just listening, watching and taking in all that was there.  The yard was full of trees and my grandparents had landscaped their yard as a retreat for birds of all kinds.  Grandma used to take me out with her while she tended to her many rose bushes and other flowers.  We would talk about the plants and would watch for songbirds.  It was there that I saw my first cardinal.  I thought it was the most beautiful bird I had ever seen, with its red feathers.  It took my breath away.  Grandma taught me about many of the birds that came to feast at the feeders Grandpa tended to every day.  We would also sit on their porch and just listen and watch.  It was beautiful.  It was a wonderful place to visit – I felt loved and so close to beauty.  Some of my happiest memories are there at Beed’s Lake.

Grandma never really sat me down to ‘teach me’ about the importance of looking for beauty.  She never told me how it was all around and I just had to keep my eyes open and my heart ready to embrace it all.  No, her lesson was much more subtle.  Instead, we would be talking about something else when she would interrupt with a quiet, “shhhhh…listen/look!”  Then she would point out a deer, a bird, a piece of music playing, a colorful sunrise, a child’s laughter, a twinkling star, all of those beautiful things that were surrounding us.  Just by living and being present with me, she taught me how to see the beauty all around me.  As I watched her and saw her embrace her surroundings – I learned how to find my happiness through the moments of beauty that I encountered every day.

What Did I Ever Do?

This lesson was really driven home to me when she moved into a nursing care facility.  It was an old mansion that had been added on to and refurbished.  The main mansion housed the parlor and dining room.  My aunt, who was the administrator of the home, had worked feverishly to restore the beautiful mansion that once was a home for a very wealthy family.  The parlor was finished in period pieces and it was beautiful in every way.  It was here, one day, where Grandma and I had retreated for an afternoon visit.  We were visiting about the recent presidential candidates (she loved talking politics) when she stopped mid-sentence and quietly shook her head from side to side.  She said, “Oh, Jackie!  I sometimes wonder what I ever did to deserve to live in such a beautiful place like this!”

I was overwhelmed with emotions.  I had heard so many elderly people complaining about having to live in a care facility and there were people in that very room who were obviously depressed and sitting in grief.  I was sitting with an old woman who was overcome with the beauty that was surrounding her.  She saw past her walker and the strain her heart experienced.  She saw past her wrinkled skin and deteriorating body to all the beauty that surrounded her.  She was in the moment, thankful for all her eyes took in – she was genuinely happy.

As a music lover, my grandma was always encouraging us to sing or play instruments.  Not to excel in talent or brilliance, but rather to enjoy the moment of song.  When the family got together, we always played and sang.  She would sit quietly in a chair off to the side.  Her eyes would sparkle and her lips formed a gentle smile.  She would gently keep the rhythm my tapping her fingers of one hand on the other, as they sat on her lap.  I could see how much joy this music brought to her and to her heart.  She loved every minute, good harmony or bad, it didn’t matter to her.  She enjoyed the beauty of her family making music together.

One tragic day, my grandma suffered a severe stroke.  I went to see her and as she rested on the hospital bed unable to speak or communicate with us, I could see the fear in her eyes.  I wanted to do something for her – something special that I knew would touch her heart.  I wanted her to experience just how much I loved her.  So, I sang to her.  My aunt found an old hymnal in the hospital’s chapel and I sang to my grandma, hymn after hymn.  I sang softly to her while holding her hand.  I felt her light squeeze every now and then and could tell by the look in her eyes that she was resting more comfortably and maybe even a bit more happy.  This was one of the most cherished memories of my life.  In spite of her fear, I knew Grandma was feeling happiness and love.  I knew I was sharing with her just a bit of what she had always given me. 

It wasn’t soon after that, Grandma joined Grandpa in Heaven.  I look back on those few hours and know that Grandma heard the beauty that surrounded her in that hospital room.  She was still looking for the beauty – knowing it was there – wanting to be happy.

 My Hero

My grandma is my hero.  She taught me one of the most important lessons of my life – to look and enjoy the beauty that is all around me in the world. You see, happiness is choice.  I can look for all that is beautiful and then sit back and enjoy the contentment and happiness that it brings my way; or, I can focus on the strains and struggles of my daily life, not enjoying all that has been gifted to me and then missing out on all that would bring me happiness and joy.

To live responsibly, you can’t ignore your struggles and pain.  That is not only foolish, but it isn’t healthy.  You need to work through these difficult things in order for to grow as a person.  You need to accept the fact that even in the times of trial there is beauty if you will be open to experiencing it. 

Even when things are tough – focus on what lessons can be learned?  What richness is experienced that you may have missed if you weren’t awakened by the struggle?  How are you as a person better today than you were yesterday?  These are beautiful lessons.

All of these lessons in life have an element of beauty and can fill your heart with contentment.  You can’t (nor should you) ignore the pain.  You just need to look beyond it while moving through it – putting it into perspective.  Bad things happen, but even in the midst of your struggles, you can find beauty.  You just need to be open to accepting it.  It is there and it surrounds you – open your heart and mind to receiving it.  Open your arms and receive the happiness that is there – everywhere – embrace what is yours.

1.    Meditation/Prayer –

Start your day out right.  Get up 30-60 minutes  early and spend some time in meditation and prayer.  Usually, after the day starts, there never seems to be time for yourself to be still.  So…make the time.  What a great way to begin your day!

2.   Eat a Healthy Breakfast –

Your body needs fuel and it has just spent a number of hours fasting while you were sleeping – so give it something healthy.  Research shows that breakfast is the most important meal of the day – so take care to start your day out right! 

3.   Decide What Kind of Day You Want Yours to Be –

There are some things within your control.  Your attitude is one of them.  You don’t have control over a lot that happens throughout the day, but you always have control over your outlook and how you are going to choose to face the situations that come up throughout the day.  Decide from the moment you begin your day how you want your day to progress. Exercise the focus of choosing positive actions and you may be surprised how it helps you manage your stress level.

4.   Make the Most of Your Day and What You Do –

If you really think about it, how often do you go through your daily routine without much concern about doing your best?  I don’t mean worrying about pleasing people.  I mean giving your day (your job, your relationships, your studies, your exercise, your diet…) your full attention and the best you can give.  Strive to bring the best ‘you’ to the table in all you do.

5.   Pace Yourself –

 Try to plan your day before you begin.  This will help you reserve some of your energy for those high-energy zapping activities that are scheduled for later in the day.  If you use up all of your energy early in the day, you will have a long afternoon/evening!  (Remember some emotions are natural energy zappers that you may want to table until you have time to evaluate them more effectively – anger, frustration, irritation, fear, hurt, etc. – be on the lookout for those emotions at a time you may need your energy for something more important.)

6.   Be a Person of Integrity –

Make sure you are walking your talk!  When other people can count on you, it will make a difference.  Make sure your words match your actions and that you are living true to your core values.  People will see and feel this and the more they trust you the more real they will potentially be towards you.  Living a life of integrity will get you far in enjoying a good sense of self.

7.   You Are Always On Stage –

It will help you live a life full of integrity when you remember that people are always watching you and listening to you.  How you live your life and treat other people is like your own personal walking billboard advertisement.  When you keep this fact in mind, it is easier to remember to walk your talk.   People are paying attention!

8.   Exercise Empathy –

You do not know what it is like to be someone else.  No matter how hard you try to understand, unless you have walked in their shoes you can’t know what it is like to be him/her.  But…it is important to try.  If you extend yourself to others, energy zapping emotions will often times not find their roots in your heart.  Try looking at things and situations through the lenses of the other person’s life – compassion is a powerful tool.

9.   Look into the Reflection of Your Relationships –

What are other people telling you?  Are you paying attention?  Do you like the ‘You’ that you see in that reflection?  Sometimes constructive criticism is hard to take, but it can also be just what you need to hear so you can grow and become a better person/spouse/co-worker/parent/friend/neighbor…  Watch for nonverbal language as well as listening for actual words.  (Caution is noted here as you want to make sure you are carefully considering the source of information.  You need to make sure the source is safe, trusted and a person of integrity themselves.  Consider the Source!)

10.   Filter Out Negativity –

Be sensitive to the negative messages and energy you are getting from your daily intake of reading, watching or listening.  How much of your day is spent hearing or reading negative news or stories?  How much crime drama or tragic drama is part of your daily television viewing?  How many of your daily personal contacts are always complaining or being negative?  Negativity is an energy zapper.  Life often times is tough enough without bringing more stress or drama into our daily intake of popular media or conversations.  Remember, laughter is the best medicine – so medicate carefully!