The Stanford Forgiveness Project - Frederic Luskin, Ph.D.

http://www.learningtoforgive.com/steps.htm

Nine Steps to Forgiveness

Our definition of forgiveness holds that forgiveness consists primarily of taking less personal offense, reducing anger and reducing the blaming of the offender, and developing increased understanding of situations that often lead to feeling hurt and angry.

1.  Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2.  Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better.  Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3.  Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”

4.  Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years -ago.  Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

5.  At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.

6.  Give up expecting things from other people, or your life , that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7.  Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8.   Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.
Forgiveness is about personal power.

9.   Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive. 

The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt, depression and stress and Leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self-confidence. Practicing forgiveness influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty & love.

I received an email from a client who was struggling with many of the hurts that holiday expectations can bring to the surface.  She asked if I had any words of encouragement for her before Christmas arrived…any thoughts that I could share that might help her get through the holiday and weekend.  The following is what resulted as I typed a reply to the same inquiry last Christmas.  As the question often comes up during the holidays, I thought it good to revisit my reply of last year. 

I’m not sure it is all that wise (as I can be a bit over-the-top) and it is definitely optimistic and even a bit schmaltzy…but I do believe it to be a good chunk of thought provoking composition.  I wanted to share it with you – in the hopes that you could be gently reminded that the Gift of Christmas is for everyone – even you! 

Have a blessed Christmas and may it be filled with the light of God’s gift of love – for you!

Jackie

As I wrote last year… 

I’m not sure how wise any words I have at this time of the day could possibly be!  But…I will try. 

First, let me share a thought that came to me this weekend while watching the movie The Nativity.  (Have you seen it?  It is in DVD now and I bought it.  It may not be completely Biblical, but it is lovely and very touching.  Yes, I cried!)  Anyway…in the movie, when Mary is told that she is to be the mother of Jesus, she is troubled by the realities of her culture.  She is not married, she is betrothed, and she is now pregnant – surely she could be a possible victim to the ‘justice’ of the time – death by stoning.  There is a scene where she doesn’t know what to do or where she can go to get the loving support she knows she needs.  She then thinks of Elizabeth. 

As Mary arrives to visit Elizabeth, Elizabeth greets her with the knowledge that she knows Mary is with child – and a glorious child at that.  There was no judgment in Elizabeth’s greeting – no criticism –no condemnation – just love.  So much love, that Elizabeth shared that the child she carried (John the Baptist) leapt for joy at the sound of Mary’s voice.  They were happy Mary was there.

It was clear in the movie that Mary didn’t believe she would receive the support she needed from her immediate family nor her community.  So, she sought the support she needed elsewhere – she went searching for it outside of what felt like the relationships from where she “should” have been able to embrace it – she sought the support she needed from her cousin, Elizabeth.  She actively looked for the gifts that God was providing outside of what “should” be the norm – what is naturally expected.

What are your expectations – your “shoulds?”

This piece of our Christmas story has never struck me as deeply as it did this weekend.  What a beautiful example of keeping our eyes open for God’s gifts when so many doors seem to be shut.  Are we open to receiving?  Are we looking for those blessings that may be missed because what “should be” just is falling short of our longings/our expectations/of what we desire? 

That hurt sometimes is so incredibly overwhelming that we lose sight of the good because the bad feels so incredibly heavy.  The scene from this movie shone as a beacon of hope for me this weekend.  For every door that is closed, another will open – God does promise He is always there for us.  Am I open to receiving the promise of His love?  Are you?

Is the magnifying glass distorting what is true?

Holiday seasons and special occasions often act as a magnifying glass – reminding us of the doors that have shut so painfully hard.  These ’special’ days seem to bring attention to the fact that we are struggling with hurts/pains/voids in our lives.  It is important that we remember that today is really no different than two weeks ago – it is just that darn magnifying glass.  Remove that lens and try to look for all of the new, open doors that you may be missing.  How is God trying to reach you?  How is He trying to share His love with you? 

Look around you…is there someone in your office that seems to be alone?  Invite them to a special day/evening with you.  Go to a movie, have dinner, make dinner, play games, etc.  Do you see someone or some people at church that may also be feeling the impact of that magnifying glass this holiday season?  Invite them to join you as well.  The more the merrier!  Reaching out, in and of itself, often times serves as the tool we need to remove the impact of that magnifying glass that distorts the reality of our lives.

Practice some self-care!

Have a party – for many or for only you!  Do something special, rent a good movie, fix a fine meal, have a glass of champagne or sparkling grape juice in a real champagne glass – add a ribbon – doll up the festivity.

Write a “Why my life is wonderful” list or story.  Write a “thank you” letter to God.  Take some deliberate time and look for those open doors in your life.  What about you do you love?  It is like taking an inventory of you and your life.  I promise you there are good things and happy things there – what are they?  Take a moment to identify them.  Are you missing them because that magnifying glass is having you focus in another direction – distorting the reality of the gift of you?  Focus on the good – it is there – look for it.

God’s promise is for you!

It is a hard time to be single and/or feeling alone/ or missing someone – especially in our society.  We do feel the pressure of all of the “what should be’s” and we can feel the burden.  It would serve all of us well to focus on the lesson of Mary this holiday season.  If we do not have the love and support of the people we “should” be able to count on during the holidays, let’s seek it out somewhere else.  Even if it means we have to travel outside of the familiar and move into the unknown.  God promises He is there to help us with this journey – He will provide – He is always here for us – always!

I know that at some level this may sound like a bunch of ’corny’ suggestions (I can come up with those!) - but they do help remove the power of the magnifying lens.  Know that much of what you are hurting from is only magnified right now – distorted as a result of the focus on holiday expectations - let’s remove that lens – as best we can!

Take care…and much like Mary – “ponder these things in your heart.”  Your heart is where some of God’s best work is done!  That is where God loves to be!

Have a blessed Christmas!
Jackie

The stress-filled time of the holidays is officially upon us.  Just last week while I was checking out the post-Halloween candy sale isle in the local discount store, I overheard two women lamenting on the length of their Christmas shopping lists.  I was saddened that these two women were already consumed with thoughts of Christmas shopping even though it was only the first week of November.

As I turned the corner and went to the next ‘seasonal’ isle, I became very aware of why they had been lamenting.  The Christmas tree display was up and twinkling and the isles that once were full of costumes and candy were now full of ornaments, lights, wreaths, wrapping paper, garland, stockings, etc.  And to think that I was planning on buying an autumn mum that day!  No such luck!  Where the mums had been displayed a week before, there were now wonderful red poinsettias.  How did I miss the autumn mums on November 2nd!?  Could I find any holiday napkins and plates for Thanksgiving Day?  No!  They were gone, too – replaced by napkins with snowmen, trees, poinsettias, etc.  I was too late for Thanksgiving?!  Don’t even get me started on the television and mail order industries!

It really is beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!

Stress Triggers

The holidays, under the best of circumstances, start triggering excessive stress.  It is undeniable.  When we start thinking of ‘family time’ and holiday schedules blood pressures usually begin to rise, almost immediately.  (Can you feel the tension tighten in your neck just as you read this?) 

Holiday stress is much more common than people realize.  As a matter of fact, November 1st brings about the busiest time of year for most mental health professionals.  Our calendars will be pretty full from now through the end of February.  The primary request is almost always the same, “Jackie, please help me mentally prepare for the agony of family time/holiday schedules/dwindling money.  I just don’t know how to handle _____!”  (You fill in the name of the family members, party, friends, obligations, etc.)

I anticipate that the stress of the holidays will seem a little more overwhelming this year.  With the war, the economy, the possible (or realized) lack of job security…our Stress Platter is pretty full already and we’veonly just begun.  Add to the above the historical button pushing that our family members are famous for and our cup will runneth over with the stress experience.  We, as a society and individually, are on overload.  It is too much stress for any one person to handle. 

12 Stress Management Tips

I have come up with a list of 12 simple stress management techniques that (if you practice them) will help you manage what otherwise may seem like too much.  Remember (and this is important)…you have to use these tips in order for them to work.

1) Stay focused on the reason for the season. 

Between now and New Year’s Eve, focus on why we are celebrating at all this time of year.  

Thanksgiving was first designed as a celebratory way to give thanks to God for the gifts experienced in the new land of freedom.  It wasn’t an easy life.  Actually, it was a difficult and hard life, but the pilgrims gathered to give thanks to God for all they had been given.  “And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”  (Ephesians 5:20)

Christmas is an opportunity to celebrate the birth of our Savior who paid the price of our sins.  “God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.” (John 3:17)  God brought salvation and peace through the birth of Christ.  WOW!  A time that was originally given to us to celebrate our salvation turned into a high-stress season?!  We added the pressure of gifts, holiday gatherings and parties, and disappointed expectations – that was never part of the original package.  We sure messed up a good thing there!

New Year is the final in the celebration trio.  To many people, the new year represents the gift of new opportunities or a time to start living true to how God directs them to live.  This gift is not designed to add more stress into the new year, but rather to bring hope and a reminder that God is still here.   “Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.”  (Hebrews 10:36)

2) Breathe!!!!

One of the top stress relievers is learning to physically relax.  Take time to talk your body out of the stress mode and relax you muscles and your mind.  Spend time in quite prayer and meditation.  “Be still and know I am God.”  (Psalm 46:10)

3) Simplify and learn to say, “No.” 

How many trees do you need to put up and how many decorations do you really need to display?  Take a look at your calendar, prioritize and then erase EVERYTHING that you can cut out from the obligation of the season.  “No” is sometimes difficult to say.  But learn that it may be one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal against stress.  Say “no” to over obligating yourself and then take time to smell the pine! 

4) Under-spend! 

Take a look at your shopping/wish lists.  How much do you really need to buy and/or get as gifts?  Maybe you and your peeps can get together andadopt a less fortunate family…feed or clothe the homeless…give to those more in need.  Then, your family celebration can consist of a genuine thanksgiving of all that you enjoy and have surrounding you and you won’t have to worry about how you will pay for everything when January rolls around.

5) Send out E-Cards and go green.  

A subscription to a good greeting card website will not only save you time and money, but it will also save the world a lot of trees and energy.

6) Be flexible. 

There is a lot of stress experienced by families, blended families and in families with adult children juggling their in-law family activities.  Lighten up and spread out the good cheer.  Who says that Thanksgiving can only be celebrated on a Thursday in November and that a Christmas dinner is less wonderful on December 18th?!   Be flexible in your celebration planning and who knows…you may have a longer, more fulfilling, less stressful season.

7) Be proactive against loneliness.  

For many people, the holidays serve as a painful reminder that they are not in a significant relationship and loneliness can seem overwhelming.  If this happens to be you, then you need to step up to the plate of self care and fill your time with other people.  Volunteer at a shelter, your church, call some other single friends, host a holiday potluck, etc.

8) Take care of yourself! 

Get enough sleep, exercise and eat a healthy – balanced diet.  The more healthy and rested you are, the more stress you will be able to comfortably handle.

9) Let go of your expectations. 

To many, the holidays represent a time to mourn the loss of unmet expectations – either of ourselves or others.  Examine those expectations and then evaluate how important it is to keep holding on to them.  Sometimes, by letting go, we free ourselves to enjoy the people we do have in our lives and the happiness we can experience with them.  Don’t let unmet expectations get in the way of you enjoying all of the wonderfulness you do have to celebrate.

10) Guard your buttons. 

It is important to remember they are your buttons.  People can only push them if you let them.  Know from where your buttons originate and then keep them in carefully under guard.  Most of the time, we allow our buttons to be pushed based on memories of when we were young rather than how things need to be today.  You are an adult now, so don’t let people get to your buttons!

11) Lighten Up!

Sometimes when stress fills our waking hours we just need to havea good belly laugh.  Laughter really is the best medicine.  When we laugh, our brain responds in kind by releasing chemicals that bring a sense of well-being and joy into our day.  So, when all else seems to be too much to handle, find something fun and funny and enjoy!

12) Live Love. 

I Corinthians 13paints a beautiful portrait of what living love looks like.  Make sure you are bringing your loving self to every relationship (even with strangers) this holiday season.  Start everyday with the following prayer based onI Corinthians 13…

Heavenly Father,

 Please help me begin and liveeach day with love.  My prayer today andthroughout this holiday season is that I may approach all of my relationships (even withstrangers) as you would want me to, with love.  Please help me be more patient, kind, humble, polite, compromising, tolerant, even-tempered, forgiving, justice seeking, honest, perseverant, faithful, hopeful and tolerant.  With these love skills, I know that the gift of love that you haveshared with all through your grace will bubble up inside of me and spill out toward all the world.  Help me free my heart of all previous hurts andpains so that I may share with all my friends and family the love that will create a sense of joy in this holiday season and prayerfully throughout the New Year.  In your loving son’s name I pray…Amen!

If you look around, there are signs of it everywhere.  Magazines advertise lotions and creams that smooth wrinkles and remove age spots.  Are you loosing hair?  No problem there are creams and shampoos waiting to help fill in the thinning patches.  You are told of make-ups that will minimize flaws in our skin and, if that doesn’t work, there are always injections or plastic surgery.  You can tuck your tummy, enlarge your breasts, lift your chin, transplant your hair, shape your buttocks, enlarge your pecks, vacuum your cellulite, and whiten your teeth…just to name a few of the options available to help us attain “perfection.”  The American Society of Plastic Surgeons reported that there were over 12 million cosmetic procedures done in the United States during 2008.  This represented a 63% increase from the number of procedures done in 2000.  

 In your search for perfection, you are constantly challenged to buy the right automobile, be endowed with the most gorgeous figure, reside in the most suitable neighborhood, wear stylish clothes, attend the popular clubs, send your children to the best schools, travel to the most popular destinations, decorate your home in this year’s most glamorous colors and serve the most gourmet of meals on tastefully decorated tablescapesmade from the most gorgeous of serving pieces.  How can you possibly live up to that much perfection?  Even the ads created to promote these things are subject to special effects and airbrushing.  You can’t even believe the photographs or your own eyes anymore.

You are constantly bombarded with the message that “perfectionism” should be your ultimate goal.  It is no wonder that you transfer this need for perfection into all aspects of your daily lives.  You view yourself in the same high-standard, “need-to-be-perfect” way.  Unless you are perfect you find it difficult to believe that you are of value.  To satisfy your need to be loved (in spite of our insecurities) you often strive to do whatever you can, at almost any cost, to provide for the needs of those in your life.  If you could just attain perfection, then others would have to love you.  Right?  Well…maybe not…

Are you being genuine?

By giving more and doing more for others you long to secure their love.  But, you can never guarantee that someone will value you more if you give all of yourself to them or if you perfect yourself for them.  In your attempts to be loved, you may find yourself attempting to manipulate those around you to love you more because of what you are doing for them, rather than because of who you are as a person.  You want to become indispensable, vital, and important to the objects of your affection.  You think that if you please them, you feel certain that they will return the positive affection you so hungrily desire and crave.  You want to be everything to everyone…then everyone will love you.  If it were only this easy!  If you only had that kind of power and control over the love in your life.

It just doesn’t work that way.  You don’t have power or control over other people and their attitudes, behaviors or feelings.  The best you can hope for is to live honestly and true to yourself.  By doing so, you can then be more content and comfortable in your own skin…you will love yourself more…allowing love to come to your genuine self rather than to some “perfectly” manufactured shell of a person.  The more you love yourself, the more genuine love you will be able to give…unconditionally.  Then in turn, the more genuine will be the love that is returned in your direction.  You will begin to appreciate the fact that you have done the best that you could at any particular point in time…just as everyone else is doing and being the best they can be.

Living True to How God Has Defined You – Love

It sounds rather easy, doesn’t it?  What would it be like if you were to live true to how God has created you and defined you…being comfortable with doing the best you can do today, and accepting that as enough for now?  What a wonderful idea!  But how do you get there?

One of the most important steps in accepting yourself as less than perfect and embracing where you are today is to practice living a life full of love – with compassion and grace.  Since early in your childhood, you have been taught the importance of loving others.  It is well accepted and known that you are to “love our neighbors as yourself.”  Although that part isn’t always easy, our culture has attempted to incorporate this value and concept into our lives as a truth (even if we don’t always live it).  God tells you to live this way – and you know that you need to strive to that end.  You know and accept that love and compassion for others are what you should strive for…a concept you can easily embrace.  The part that is oftentimes much more challenging is exercising a loving and compassionate heart toward yourself.

Jesus taught us to love our neighbors as ourselves.  Not, love your neighbor more than you love yourself, nor to love your neighbor at all costs to yourself or your self-worth.  You were taught that you should treat all people with patience, kindness, selflessness, respect, consideration, compassion and love…including yourself.  All of God’s creatures are to be embraced for being wonderful, just the way they are right now.  God’s unconditional love defines you and His grace, through the death and resurrection of Jesus, allows your repentant heart to be “good enough” in spite of your brokenness.

You Were Made In God’s Image

If you remember that you were made in God’s image and He knew your name before you were born, you may then begin to appreciate how His grace extends compassion to you.  You see, God made you special.  So special in fact, that He sent His son, Jesus to free you from your sins.  You are God’s love and you are here on earth to honor and love Him.  If you fail to honor the “temple” with which he has gifted you, aren’t you failing to honor Him?  He has given you all you have and are.  That includes your big nose, flat (or big) chest, wrinkles, sags, bags, and scars…emotional and physical.  Those things don’t make you less than perfect…that makes you perfect in His image…just as you are.  You see God doesn’t make mistakes – you are not a mistake.

To be perfect means you are just right…today, and that if you are good enough for God to treat with love and compassion – then who are you to not extend a similar grace unto yourself?  To be perfect is really just allowing the human condition to exist, even in yourself, yet still loving yourself in an unconditional way…generously and compassionately with a humble and repentant heart.  To love yourself as you love your neighbors…to strive to love all, including yourself, as God loves you…now, that’s perfection!!!!!

Know Who You Are

To help you develop a loving and compassionate pose when thinking of your self-identity, it is a good idea to be familiar with who you are and why you respond in the ways you do.  (Become familiar with your ‘buttons.’)  This knowledge helps with self-understanding.  Self-understanding then can empower you to know when it is safe to open your heart to self-compassion.  Knowing yourself means to know where you’ve been, accepting those parts of your life journey, and moving forward knowing that you are better off today than you were before – because of the lessons learned and God’s grace. 

Most importantly, your quest for perfection should be a never ending journey of getting to know your creator.  Spend time alone with God and His word.  Hear what He has to say about His character and what He has to say about you.  The Bible is an incredible love letter from God to you.  When you learn about God’s love you cannot help but have your hurts and pains released and your heart filled with His love.  Then, without even realizing it, your heart will overflow with love and it will bubble up and out into the world around you.  Your life journey is a process of learning and growing.  When you open the door to the knowledge of God’s love - joy beyond your wildest dreams will be experienced.  Now, that is perfection!

 I agree with the authors’ premise that it is important to focus on the good things in life, but it is from that point forward where my philosophy of life takes a different turn.  I do believe it is important to focus on the good rather than putting all of our energy in thinking about the bad: worries, anxieties and those things beyond our control.  But, I don’t believe that by focusing on good, that anyone has the power to bring those beautiful things into life, or that if you focus on the bad, you are only inviting the bad things to invade your paradise.  Beauty and sadness are all around you.  It is what you focus on (what you are looking for) that defines your experience.  The potential of unbridled happiness is there – everywhere.  You just need to focus on it, so you see it.  If you don’t look for it, you won’t ever see it – but it is there all of the time – all around you.

Grandma

My grandmother seemed to excel at finding the beauty in the world.  At the young age of 13, she had to quit school after her 8th grade year, and begin working.  Coming from a large, Danish, immigrant family of 12 children at the beginning of the 1900’s, the sons were the only ones allowed to finish school through 12th grade.  If you were a daughter in my grandma’s family, you didn’t return to school after 8th grade.  Instead, you went to work as a house girl for a wealthy family in the surrounding area.

 For my grandmother, her assigned wealthy family happened to be 50 miles away from her home and family.  For a 13 year-old girl to move in with a strange family 50 miles away is an incredible concept to me.  Can you begin to imagine what that must have been like?  Without automobile transportation, 50 miles was a very time consuming trip by horse and wagon, and even more lengthy by foot.  But, that was expected and that is what my grandmother did.

 She didn’t talk much about that time.  When she did tell me about it, she never complained but rather, reflected on it with a sparkle in her eye.  She then quickly would move into the part of her life’s story where she played the “fiddle” with a band for barn dances.  That is how she met my grandfather.  He was an early 1900’s “groupie.”  He followed Grandma from barn dance to barn dance until he finally won her heart.  Grandma and Grandpa met when she was 18 years-old.  She loved to share that story with me.  She loved music, and she loved Grandpa.  It was a beautiful story and I cherish it to this day.  I think I especially enjoy this story since it was so obvious to me that Grandma was focusing on all of the joy from her youth to share with me – rather than the difficulties of being separated from her family or not being allowed to finish school.

 On the Lake

 When I was very young, I would spend time at my grandparent’s home.  It was on Beed’s Lake in Northern Iowa.  It is a small lake, yet it was beautiful in scenery.  Houses were all along the northern shoreline – up the hill from the water.  On the south side of the lake there still is a state park, campgrounds, swimming area, and a dam.  As teenagers, we would always take a walk around the lake.  Not much more than an hour or two, depending on how many things we needed to stop and see along the way.  We always stopped at the dam, though.  Watching the water splashing over the rocks as it fell to the stream below was always mesmerizing.  There was something quite spiritual about sitting next to the dam and walking around the stream…it was so tranquil…even with the sound of the crashing water.

 Grandma and Grandpa’s home was on the northern shore of the lake.  The house was up the hill about 200 yards from the shore.  I would sit for hours on the dock, just listening, watching and taking in all that was there.  The yard was full of trees and my grandparents had landscaped their yard as a retreat for birds of all kinds.  Grandma used to take me out with her while she tended to her many rose bushes and other flowers.  We would talk about the plants and would watch for songbirds.  It was there that I saw my first cardinal.  I thought it was the most beautiful bird I had ever seen, with its red feathers.  It took my breath away.  Grandma taught me about many of the birds that came to feast at the feeders Grandpa tended to every day.  We would also sit on their porch and just listen and watch.  It was beautiful.  It was a wonderful place to visit – I felt loved and so close to beauty.  Some of my happiest memories are there at Beed’s Lake.

Grandma never really sat me down to ‘teach me’ about the importance of looking for beauty.  She never told me how it was all around and I just had to keep my eyes open and my heart ready to embrace it all.  No, her lesson was much more subtle.  Instead, we would be talking about something else when she would interrupt with a quiet, “shhhhh…listen/look!”  Then she would point out a deer, a bird, a piece of music playing, a colorful sunrise, a child’s laughter, a twinkling star, all of those beautiful things that were surrounding us.  Just by living and being present with me, she taught me how to see the beauty all around me.  As I watched her and saw her embrace her surroundings – I learned how to find my happiness through the moments of beauty that I encountered every day.

What Did I Ever Do?

This lesson was really driven home to me when she moved into a nursing care facility.  It was an old mansion that had been added on to and refurbished.  The main mansion housed the parlor and dining room.  My aunt, who was the administrator of the home, had worked feverishly to restore the beautiful mansion that once was a home for a very wealthy family.  The parlor was finished in period pieces and it was beautiful in every way.  It was here, one day, where Grandma and I had retreated for an afternoon visit.  We were visiting about the recent presidential candidates (she loved talking politics) when she stopped mid-sentence and quietly shook her head from side to side.  She said, “Oh, Jackie!  I sometimes wonder what I ever did to deserve to live in such a beautiful place like this!”

I was overwhelmed with emotions.  I had heard so many elderly people complaining about having to live in a care facility and there were people in that very room who were obviously depressed and sitting in grief.  I was sitting with an old woman who was overcome with the beauty that was surrounding her.  She saw past her walker and the strain her heart experienced.  She saw past her wrinkled skin and deteriorating body to all the beauty that surrounded her.  She was in the moment, thankful for all her eyes took in – she was genuinely happy.

As a music lover, my grandma was always encouraging us to sing or play instruments.  Not to excel in talent or brilliance, but rather to enjoy the moment of song.  When the family got together, we always played and sang.  She would sit quietly in a chair off to the side.  Her eyes would sparkle and her lips formed a gentle smile.  She would gently keep the rhythm my tapping her fingers of one hand on the other, as they sat on her lap.  I could see how much joy this music brought to her and to her heart.  She loved every minute, good harmony or bad, it didn’t matter to her.  She enjoyed the beauty of her family making music together.

One tragic day, my grandma suffered a severe stroke.  I went to see her and as she rested on the hospital bed unable to speak or communicate with us, I could see the fear in her eyes.  I wanted to do something for her – something special that I knew would touch her heart.  I wanted her to experience just how much I loved her.  So, I sang to her.  My aunt found an old hymnal in the hospital’s chapel and I sang to my grandma, hymn after hymn.  I sang softly to her while holding her hand.  I felt her light squeeze every now and then and could tell by the look in her eyes that she was resting more comfortably and maybe even a bit more happy.  This was one of the most cherished memories of my life.  In spite of her fear, I knew Grandma was feeling happiness and love.  I knew I was sharing with her just a bit of what she had always given me. 

It wasn’t soon after that, Grandma joined Grandpa in Heaven.  I look back on those few hours and know that Grandma heard the beauty that surrounded her in that hospital room.  She was still looking for the beauty – knowing it was there – wanting to be happy.

 My Hero

My grandma is my hero.  She taught me one of the most important lessons of my life – to look and enjoy the beauty that is all around me in the world. You see, happiness is choice.  I can look for all that is beautiful and then sit back and enjoy the contentment and happiness that it brings my way; or, I can focus on the strains and struggles of my daily life, not enjoying all that has been gifted to me and then missing out on all that would bring me happiness and joy.

To live responsibly, you can’t ignore your struggles and pain.  That is not only foolish, but it isn’t healthy.  You need to work through these difficult things in order for to grow as a person.  You need to accept the fact that even in the times of trial there is beauty if you will be open to experiencing it. 

Even when things are tough – focus on what lessons can be learned?  What richness is experienced that you may have missed if you weren’t awakened by the struggle?  How are you as a person better today than you were yesterday?  These are beautiful lessons.

All of these lessons in life have an element of beauty and can fill your heart with contentment.  You can’t (nor should you) ignore the pain.  You just need to look beyond it while moving through it – putting it into perspective.  Bad things happen, but even in the midst of your struggles, you can find beauty.  You just need to be open to accepting it.  It is there and it surrounds you – open your heart and mind to receiving it.  Open your arms and receive the happiness that is there – everywhere – embrace what is yours.

1.    Meditation/Prayer –

Start your day out right.  Get up 30-60 minutes  early and spend some time in meditation and prayer.  Usually, after the day starts, there never seems to be time for yourself to be still.  So…make the time.  What a great way to begin your day!

2.   Eat a Healthy Breakfast –

Your body needs fuel and it has just spent a number of hours fasting while you were sleeping – so give it something healthy.  Research shows that breakfast is the most important meal of the day – so take care to start your day out right! 

3.   Decide What Kind of Day You Want Yours to Be –

There are some things within your control.  Your attitude is one of them.  You don’t have control over a lot that happens throughout the day, but you always have control over your outlook and how you are going to choose to face the situations that come up throughout the day.  Decide from the moment you begin your day how you want your day to progress. Exercise the focus of choosing positive actions and you may be surprised how it helps you manage your stress level.

4.   Make the Most of Your Day and What You Do –

If you really think about it, how often do you go through your daily routine without much concern about doing your best?  I don’t mean worrying about pleasing people.  I mean giving your day (your job, your relationships, your studies, your exercise, your diet…) your full attention and the best you can give.  Strive to bring the best ‘you’ to the table in all you do.

5.   Pace Yourself –

 Try to plan your day before you begin.  This will help you reserve some of your energy for those high-energy zapping activities that are scheduled for later in the day.  If you use up all of your energy early in the day, you will have a long afternoon/evening!  (Remember some emotions are natural energy zappers that you may want to table until you have time to evaluate them more effectively – anger, frustration, irritation, fear, hurt, etc. – be on the lookout for those emotions at a time you may need your energy for something more important.)

6.   Be a Person of Integrity –

Make sure you are walking your talk!  When other people can count on you, it will make a difference.  Make sure your words match your actions and that you are living true to your core values.  People will see and feel this and the more they trust you the more real they will potentially be towards you.  Living a life of integrity will get you far in enjoying a good sense of self.

7.   You Are Always On Stage –

It will help you live a life full of integrity when you remember that people are always watching you and listening to you.  How you live your life and treat other people is like your own personal walking billboard advertisement.  When you keep this fact in mind, it is easier to remember to walk your talk.   People are paying attention!

8.   Exercise Empathy –

You do not know what it is like to be someone else.  No matter how hard you try to understand, unless you have walked in their shoes you can’t know what it is like to be him/her.  But…it is important to try.  If you extend yourself to others, energy zapping emotions will often times not find their roots in your heart.  Try looking at things and situations through the lenses of the other person’s life – compassion is a powerful tool.

9.   Look into the Reflection of Your Relationships –

What are other people telling you?  Are you paying attention?  Do you like the ‘You’ that you see in that reflection?  Sometimes constructive criticism is hard to take, but it can also be just what you need to hear so you can grow and become a better person/spouse/co-worker/parent/friend/neighbor…  Watch for nonverbal language as well as listening for actual words.  (Caution is noted here as you want to make sure you are carefully considering the source of information.  You need to make sure the source is safe, trusted and a person of integrity themselves.  Consider the Source!)

10.   Filter Out Negativity –

Be sensitive to the negative messages and energy you are getting from your daily intake of reading, watching or listening.  How much of your day is spent hearing or reading negative news or stories?  How much crime drama or tragic drama is part of your daily television viewing?  How many of your daily personal contacts are always complaining or being negative?  Negativity is an energy zapper.  Life often times is tough enough without bringing more stress or drama into our daily intake of popular media or conversations.  Remember, laughter is the best medicine – so medicate carefully!

 Thinking of self-love can be a perplexing process.  In one sense, our western culture has emphasized that self-love is selfish and self-centered.  On the other hand, we are told that to enjoy a strong self-esteem, it is essential that we learn to love ourselves before we can truly love anyone else.  With these two conflicting positions, it can leave a person feeling somewhat confused and unsure as to what is healthy or unhealthy self-love.

To be selfish or self-centered is completely self-serving, and unbecoming for a person of character.  Selfishness is to focus only on oneself, without regard or consideration for others.  It is a very immature focus on life.  One in which a person is unable or unwilling to see things from others’ points of view.

Self-Love, on the other hand, is taking care of one’s self and ensuring you have what is needed to live a healthy life.  Self-love is the mature practice of understanding the personal responsibilities of living consciously and purposefully as a member of your family, society and world.  It is the identification and recognition of what is needed to survive and to be able to take responsibility for the process of getting these needs fulfilled.  Self-love is accomplished only when others’ needs are kept in mind.  To love self not only requires respect for your person, but it understands and gives respect to everyone else at the same time.

Unconditional self-love is a mature way of being.  Where there exists a mutual respect for peoples’ rights and an understanding of personal rights as well.  Americans have been taught, from a very young age, to love our neighbors as our self.  We have been reminded throughout our lifetime that it is important to treat people the way we want to be treated.  But, do we understand that this principle of love has two sides to it?  We first must learn what it means to love our self, before we can love our neighbor in a healthy way.  We must love who we are, unconditionally before love will flow from us.  Second, we also must understand that to love in this way may mean that sometimes we need to treat people in a way that is better than they have treated us.

Self-love is a process of relationship that doesn’t have room for selfishness.  You need to keep others’ rights in consideration.  As an adult, you are responsible for ensuring your needs are met as long as the rights of others’ aren’t violated.  You must understand justice and injustice.  There must be an understanding that kindnesses and generosities are gifts to share.  When following through with self-love to this end, you will love more completely.   

 Establish A Balance

 The bottom line is learning to establish a balance between your needs and the needs of others.  Since you need other people in your life, you must take others into consideration.  You need to be aware of those around you and their desires, wants and needs, as well as be respectful of those things. You need to learn that it is good to trust your own judgment when deciding on what would make you happy so you can enjoy a more fulfilled life.  To do that, you must know your heart.

Picture your life as a cup which holds life-giving water.  As you give to others the water is poured out from your cup into the cups of other’s – emptying your cup.  But, as you have your needs considered, met and fulfilled; water is then in turn poured into your cup – filling it so you then in turn can continue to give.  If you only give, water will only be poured out of your cup, someday leaving it bone dry.  You have to allow the replenishment of water or you will have nothing else to give.  To give to the point of being left empty is not good for anyone….your cup will be dry.  Keeping your cup full (or at least filling) is your responsibility.  No one else knows exactly what is needed to fill your cup – only you.

How Truth Helps to  Fill Your Cups

Self-love, true unconditional self-love can be achieved, embraced and appreciated without guilt or shame.  The key to self-love along with the other more mature life-focuses of forgiveness, health, happiness and peace, is truth.  If you had only one thing to focus on to assist you in improving your self-identity (one rule and one rule only) and you chose to live a life full of joy and contentment; then all you have to do is to live more honestly.  This one change would result in your self-love growing.

To live honestly seems simple enough.  But to really live in truth you must examine, accept and incorporate all of the complexities of your life and hold them as part of you and accepting that they are okay.  We must examine our life, accept what it holds, and integrate the lessons learned through living.  Through this process of understanding yourself, your thoughts and your behaviors you can then bring an element of humanness to who you are.  You will then begin to accept the idea that no one is perfect, even you; and that is not only okay but is the first step in good self-love. 

To really embrace your humanness will take courage and effort.  (It isn’t easy looking deep within yourself.)  You see, being self-critical and self-defeating are old habits you’ve known since childhood.  These habits aren’t easy to break or change.   To do so takes curiosity, determination, and the desire to fill your cup full of joy, love, better health and happiness…an overall sense of unconditional self-love.  The more you have in your cup, the more you will know about yourself.  The more you know about yourself, the more you know what you need and desire.  The more you know and understand your needs and desires, the more you can ask for those things that fill your cup.  The more full your cup, the more you ultimately have available to give to others.  And thus, the cycle continues on and on….

Questions to Help You Get to Know Yourself

*  Who is the most important person in your life and why?  Who is your hero?  What role does she/he play in your life?  How could/would your life be different without her/him?

* When do you feel inspired?  Who and/or what contributes to your sense of inspiration?  How does it feel when you are inspired?

* What is the most important thing in the world to you?  Where does this importance come from?  Are you living your life with this importance in mind?

Grandma explains, “You know, when I was young, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster. Up and down, up, down. Oh, what a ride. I always wanted to go again. It was just interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened…so scared, so sick, so excited…and so thrilled all together. Some didn´t like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.”

I have always thought that to be a poignant moment in the movie. A lesson in reality which clearly illustrates that there are some things in our lives that occur no matter what we do. It is a scene that reminds us that sometimes, in spite of our best efforts or intentions, life keeps rolling along…up and down.

Grandma’s Lesson

If we carefully process, we can see that grandma’s lesson was more about how we perceive the ride of life rather than the ride itself. Are we focused on the “thrills” that present themselves or are we more focused on the need for predictability and the control that the merry-go-round provides? Grandma’s story illustrates how sometimes things in life happen that we have no control over, but there will always be another corner, another hill to climb or descend…life goes on. As Scarlet O’Hara proclaimed in Gone With the Wind, “Tomorrow is another day!”

When I first saw these movies (back in my younger, more innocent and less skeptical days) I found a sense of comfort in these scenes. I embraced the idea that I wasn’t alone on this rollercoaster ride of life. There were others experiencing similar frustrations, uncertainties, struggles and the uphill climb of life. There was always tomorrow’s promise of the possibility of wonderful life events that were thrilling, exciting, exuberating and I just needed to hold on as I rode time on the downhill, easy side of the slope. The metaphor seemed to fit. It made sense to a young woman living in a new world of adultness; with the corresponding responsibilities, challenges, and life encounters.

The Complexities of Life

Then something changed…life happened. As I got older and experienced more of the complexities of living, I came to an astonishing conclusion. I wasn’t a just a passenger on what I thought was this rollercoaster ride. Decisions I pondered, choices I made, directions I moved all were within my control. I had a lot more power in how my ride of life flowed than what the rollercoaster analogy allowed. I wasn’t just buckled in to a safety seat, waiting for the next incident to occur. I wasn’t a “passenger” on a ride of each day, waiting to see if tomorrow would bring up hill battles or an exciting ride down hill. I was making decisions each and everyday on what direction to proceed on my journey.

Now don’t get me wrong. I know there are many things that happen through the years over which I (or we) don’t have any control. I can’t control the one hour wait in the security check point line at the airport. There was absolutely nothing I could do to keep my grandmother from having a stroke or my son from tearing his ACL. I couldn’t stop the horrific events of 9/11. I can’t change the laws and allow for a man suffering from paranoid schizophrenia to be held longer than the mandatory 72 hours for psychiatric evaluation and medication. I cannot change the weather patterns, climate cycles, economic conditions, the horrors of war, the devastation of natural disasters, or the murder of innocent people. There is far too much that occurs in life that makes no sense and for which I hold no answers. These events happen and there is sometimes a lot of pain associated with them. There is evil in the world that remains unexplained and is sometimes very frightening.

As difficult as these struggles can be (and they are) I choose to do more than just ride the ride of life. I choose not to become just a passenger – “a victim.” I do not believe that these events just happen as part of the ride and I that I have no power in these situations other than to watch them occur as I am carried on the uphill climb. No, I rather take a proactive roll in my voyage.

The Journey and Choice

Instead of a rollercoaster ride, I think that a better metaphor for life is a “journey.” “Journey” is defined as something suggesting travel or passage from one place to another. As we move forward from one day to the next (by definition) we are met with challenges of one sort or another. Some are quite pleasant and exciting and others are difficult and more of a struggle. All of these challenges are part of the journey – my journey – your journey – we must go through them. It is how we handle them, or (in other words) choose to traverse the path of our journey that helps us map out our individual directions and experiences.

We can make choices as to how to deal with our unruly coworker, cranky neighbor, negative in-laws, news of illness, pain of injury, realization of spousal infidelity, announcement of deadlines, or news of national tragedies. These things happen and people enter and exit our lives on a regular basis, directly or indirectly. Instead of sitting back believing to be powerless, we can accept the challenge of learning from the experience. What will we do with the new information? What lesson(s) are we taking away from the exchange? Do we choose to grow from the situation or become a passenger – a victim, helplessly riding along?

The point is that making choices is what life is all about. Even the choice to not choose is taking a position. Here, your pronouncement is that you don’t want to do anything or decide anything. Make no mistake about it though, it is still a choice. We are constantly challenged to choose how we are going to meet each challenge and what lessons we will take away from the experience. If we choose to be a victim to life’s circumstances – riding the ride – then we will live each day with a victim-way of thinking. We will wait for life to happen to us, rather than embracing the lessons that could enrich our future selves, relationships, encounters, or experiences.

What Ride Are You Riding?

Take a moment and reflect on where you are today and what direction you are choosing for your life. Are you riding a merry-go-round, repeating old mistakes or unhealthy behaviors? Is your ride more like the ups and downs of a rollercoaster, sitting back and holding on for dear life? Or, are you embracing the challenges (ups and downs) of each and every day by choosing to evaluate and learn from life’s lessons? These lessons (if you are open) can help you navigate your journey in a much more enriched and satisfying way. Embrace your lessons and grow with your experiences. Fill your journey with the promise of a new day – a new more fulfilling direction to your life.

If you find you are in the midst of this struggle, coaching and/or counseling can help you sort out the details of the lessons presented. By searching for and then learning from lessons, life experiences become less painful and much more manageable. Just think… they may even become rich with previously hidden blessings – gifts to enrich the future!