As with all the survivor’s stories, I am always humbled and moved at the story of courage and perseverance that is shared.  When I think of little children going through such trauma, I am so touched at how strong these children were…and how amazing these adults are now!   I think we sometimes neglect honoring the amazing inner strength these survivors have displayed in their lives – especially when they do not always feel strong.

This story is no different!  Here is a survivor’s story that once again illustrates the pain of abuse.  What moves me so about this story is how this survivor found God – in spite of the pain and trauma of the abuse which was endured.  Here, the survivor shares what touches me as “The Peace that passes all understanding.”  A peace that this survivor tries to hold on to even when life gets heavy once again in adulthood.  What a glorious testimony of God’s love.  Please join me in praising God for his gift of strength during a young child’s life and the willingness of this survivor to share the story of bravery, perseverance , survival and God’s grace.

MY STORY

I come from a large family with 5 siblings.  My father was in the Air Force and my mother worked as a waitress.  I had a very hard childhood.  My father was an alcoholic and abuser.  My mother was abusive verbally, physically and emotionally.

My childhood memories are few as my mind has blocked a lot of  bad memories. One that I do remember is a night when my father came home drunk and asked each one of us girls if we wanted to go with him into the bedroom.  All of us said no.  However, since I was the oldest, I had to go with my dad to his bedroom.  Little did I know, that my father would sexually assault me.  I was only eight years old.

I don’t remember much of the assault but I do remember after the assault being placed in a tub of water to clean me up. My dad had me put my sister’s pajamas on.  The next day my mother asked me why I was wearing my sister’s pajamas and not my own.  I told her that it was because there was blood on my pajamas.  I have always felt that my mother covered up the sexual assault.  I was never taken to a doctor to make sure I was okay.

It was a short time later that my father locked all of us children out of the house.  While we were outside, he shot and killed himself.  My mother had a nervous breakdown shortly after his death and had to be hospitalized.  We all had to stay with neighbors until my mother was released from the hospital.  I don’t remember that much about my dad’s funeral for it was a blur.

We moved a short time later.  My mother soon remarried.  My stepfather was just like my father – an alcoholic.  I remember being locked in our room and my sister and I had to sit on our hands all day. My mother would put us in our room and keep us there even when she took the other children out somewhere.  She would put tape on the door to make sure that we did not leave the bedroom.   It was a very depressing time for us to be locked up in a room for so long.

My mother did not allow me enough time to get to school and get home from school.  We had a time limit on how long it should take us to get there and get home again.  And we were constantly running home and running to school to make it in time.  If we didn’t make it in time, we would get in trouble.

My mother was a rejecting and neglectful mother.  She did not care about my sister or me.  When I was about 10 years old I remember being so hungry I stole from my teacher’s purse.  I thought they were M & M’s and I ate them.  Come to find out they were vitamins or some kind of medicine. My mother did not take me to the hospital. She just called the doctors office to find out want she needed to do to take care of the problem. I almost died from the accidental overdose.  When my mother would leave the house on errands my brothers would make us perform sexual acts on them and they would molest us.  This activity went on for a few years.

When I was eleven and half years old my mother put me in a state mental hospital.  Most children of this age would be homesick and wanting to go home.  Not me! I was so happy to be there to work on “my problems.”  This was the reality about how rejecting my home was.

It was while I was in the state hospital that I found out just how far behind in school I was.  I was at a 4th grade level in reading, math and science.  During my year at the state hospital, I grew as a girl should grow and I was able to catch up to where I should have been in school – 7th grade.  During my stay there I tried on several occasions to either talk to or go home to visit my mother.  My mother would continue to reject me by not talking to me on the phone.  The only way I got to go home was if the staff members took me home.

After a year in the mental state hospital, all of sudden my mother withdrew me from the hospital.  This was done against medical advice.  Things at first went fine.  Then after a while we again would be locked in our bedroom for days on end with nothing to do.  By now we had grown older and I decided at the age of fourteen that I had enough.  So I ran away from home.

When I ran away, it was the first time I felt free.  Free from all abuse and rejection.  After I ran away, my sister and I were placed in foster homes.  The foster home did not work out for me as I needed more structure.  So I was placed in a group home for girls.  When I was 15 or 16 I transferred to another group home.  This home was where I began to go to church and hear about God.  This did some wonders for me.  Knowing that God would care for a soul like me was amazing.  As I got older, I had to be placed with another group home.  It was at this home that I was able to be on my own and still live at the group home.

I finally made it to High School graduation and God was leading me to Bible College.  So I went to Bible College to search what He would have me to do.   In December of my sophomore year of college I accepted Christ as my personal Savior … Romans 10:13 “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.”  God did change my life.  He blessed me with a wonderful husband and three wonderful daughters.  I wish I could say it was a happily after story but I cannot.  I would face even more challenges.

In her teens, my youngest daughter began to self-harm.  She would cut on her arms and hide them from us by wearing long sleeve shirts.  We finally did find out that she was cutting herself.  One time she had cut herself so badly that it required over 40 stitches. Then she tried committing suicide on two different occasions.  This would turn into a two-year battle to keep her safe.

During this time I began to struggle with depression and question why my daughter was experiencing these problems. Even through my worry and concern for her safety, I managed to keep things together while my daughter was going through the cutting and the suicide attempts.   It was when my daughter moved out of the house and on her own that I crashed.   I went into a deep depression and tried to commit suicide on five different occasions.  I was hospitalized on several occasions in addition to these attempts.  It was during one of those hospital visits that it was discovered that I had Graves Disease, a thyroid disease.  It took about a year for the doctors to get medicine in correct doses to manage the disease.  Now my body is responding to the medicine and my thyroid is now normal and my depression is getting better.  I know that I will struggle with depression the rest of my life.  But, I fight for the hope that my struggle will continue to get easier.

To this day I do not have a relationship with my mother.  It is not because of my choice, the ball is in her court.  She will have to make the decision to be in a relationship.

I am in therapy and this is helping me understand my past and to get a hold of not letting it control me.  I know that God is not finished with me.  My life verse is “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths.”  Proverbs 3: 5 – 6.   I know that God will be with me every step of the way – even if He is carrying me some of the time.

So, how can you get back on track?  How can you clear away the muck that life throws your way so that you may be able to enjoy a more satisfying and love-filled life?

It would be a mistake to think that you can achieve anything on your own merits, your own strength or your own perseverance.  You may be strong and tenacious.  But only through the power of the Holy Spirit in your heart can you experience the grace needed to move through a life full of adversity – and still experience the joy and heartfelt happiness for which we all hunger.

You cannot be a victim of your circumstances when God fills your heart.  You cannot be a victim of others when the love of Christ Jesus washes you with God’s promise and peace.  To experience God in this imperfect world is but a foretaste of all wonderful dreams coming true.  It is as close to happiness as anyone can wish to get this side of Heaven.

“Our passion for God must be awakened till it becomes the controlling center of our life.”  Larry Crabb – Soul Talk

Can you let go of your selfish need to control the circumstances of your life and give control completely over to God?

Thoughts for journaling…

Tell me about the most wonderful dream you have for your life.  What do you want for your life, more than anything else?  What is the most important goal or dream you have for you?  Tell me about what that dream looks like.  I want details and examples of what your life would be like if your dream came true – just as you want it.

Next, I want you to tell me what stands in the way of your dream becoming your reality.  What things, people, situations, etc. are getting in the way of you living your dream?  Of those things, what do you not have any control over that seem to be standing in your way?  What people are you waiting for that haven’t jumped on board with your dream and where you want to be?  What do you need from these people or things that you aren’t getting?

Now, I want you to look deep within your heart and feel the presence of the Holy Spirit.  What things are within The Holy Spirit’s power that could help your dream come true?  What do you have – deep in your heart – that you could use to make your life feel more fullfilling or happy?   What things would you need to change in order for your special dream to become your special reality?  What things and people have you given your personal power to, leaving you feeling as if they hold the key to your dream?  (If you are stuck, look at the above paragraph!)

Over what parts of your dream do you need to give up control?  Those parts of your dream to which you’re holding on so tightly that you are afraid to loosen your grip?

It is said that Thomas Aquinas believed that we have two options open to us in how to live our lives.   We can either live to get the good we think we need or we can live to enjoy the good we’ve already been given.  How do Thomas Aquinas’s words reflect on your efforts in achieving a happy life?  Are you moving forward longing for the things you think you want, or rather with a heart filled with The Holy Spirit’s power, grace and love which will guide and help you define what it is that you truely need to be happy?

Pray on this…how can you take back that power that is yours through Christ Jesus?  Right here and right now?

Just yesterday, a murder suspect was found dead in southern Iowa.  Suffering what authorities believe was a self-inflicted gunshot wound.  He was wanted for the murder of his significant other and had spent 30 days in jail in 2001 for violence against her.

http://www.whotv.com/news/who-story-ringgold-shooting-investigation-011312,0,4877552.story

A WHO news reporter interviewed some of this man’s (Taylor’s) friends.  A good friend said, “It feels like a bad dream.  I just can’t imagine him ever doing anything like this.”  (I’ve paraphrased her exact words.)

All friends and neighbors of manipulative and controlling people/abusers say the same thing.  Don’t be one of those friends and/or neighbors.  Learn all you can about domestic violence.

Lesson 1 –

Do not be fooled by false stereotypes.  Controlling and manipulative behavior is abusive and knows no economic, religious, race, gender boundaries.  They can be rich or poor…well educated or not…a corporate executive or a temporary worker.   They may be sitting next to you in the pew at church on Sunday morning or on a bar stool in your local pub.
They are everywhere!

Lesson 2 –

Controlling and manipulative people/abusers are almost always charming and likable people.  They have to be so that you are fooled into believing what Taylor’s friend believed…”He isn’t that kind of guy!  She’s just out of control/crazy!”  They ARE usually very likable, unless you are the one that s/he is trying to control.

Lesson 3 –

Controlling and manipulative people/abusers do not view their significant other (or children) as human beings but rather as a piece of property that is needing to conform to their desires.  “If you do what I say, everything will be fine.  If not, then you asked for what you got and I am not responsible for the outcome – you are!”

Lesson 4 –

In cases of verbal/emotional abuse, there is an 80% chance that it will escalate to physical violence.  If verbal control and manipulation techniques fail, then the manipulator/controller will ratchet it up and take it to a more controlling level in 80% of the cases.

Lesson 5 –

If a friend, neighbor, family member talks to you about believing their partner is abusive/controlling/manipulative – TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY!  The only way to stop abuse is for others to stand up to it.  Controlling and manipulative people/abusers will only back down if their image has been damaged and they do not get the social support that they have worked hard at building.  If you challenge them about the abuse, they will slow down in their abusive behaviors – maybe even stopping.

I know of a woman who lived with a controlling and manipulative man for many years.  Then O.J. Simpson went on trial for the murder of his wife and her friend.  The media coverage brought the cold, hard reality of domestic violence into the homes of Americans – day after day.  As a result, this man stopped physically abusing his wife.  The emotional abuse continued, but he never again physically assaulted her.  It wasn’t over, but it slowed down.

We as a society must learn about the controlling and manipulative behaviors of abusers.  The impact and damage abuse can have on the heart of those victimized is real and profound.  Join me in standing up to say, “No more!”

Philippians 4:4-9

Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

For years, I’ve been encouraging my clients to keep a Beauty Journal – a journal used to physically record all the things that went right in a day.  Why do I think this is an important exercise?  Well, just take a moment and look around you.  How much of your world is full of negativity and sadness, destruction and despair, heart ache and heart brokenness?  These things are everywhere!  They surround us.  And if there aren’t enough of them in your own, personal life the media will make sure that you get your fill.

It is amazing that more people are not swept away in the depths of depression when experiencing this fallen world.  I know that many chose to ignore the pain that surrounds them and they are able to “create” a world that is more comfortable by denying the reality of the world and relationships.  (i.e., “My husband really isn’t physically abusive.  He just had a bad day.”  “My daughter really doesn’t have a drug problem.  She’s just going through a phase.”  “I really do not have a drinking problem.  I just need a drink to relax after work.”  “I really want this new high definition television and paying off the credit won’t take that long.  I work hard, I deserve it.”  “I really don’t work that many hours.  Money is important.  My wife and kids understand.” …)

It is important to develop some honesty when looking at what is going on around you.  Take an honest look and take it in.  The reality of our fallen world is heavy.  But don’t stop there.  I challenge you to look deeper – for the beauty.

In and amongst all that is fallen, God provides so much that is rich and beautiful.  We just often times miss it because of all the negativity that surrounds us.  Did you know that research has revealed that it takes nine positive things to undo the impact of one negative thing on our human psyche?  It is almost as if the negativity in our world has a powerful magnet drawing our attention. It is as if we are automatically pulled to what is negative and the power that the negativity has is 9 times more powerful than a moment of joy.  It is because of this that we must become more proactive in seeking out all that is good.

If we stop looking toward those things that suck the life and  joy out of us and start looking to those things that are “true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable” and claim them as the God-given gifts they are, we would begin to enjoy more moments with God’s peace filling our hearts.  The peace that passes all understanding can be ours…it can be yours!  God has placed all that is beautiful in our world to fill us with the experience of his love.  We must seek out the beauty, claim these things as the gifts they are and hold them in our hearts.

This is where the Beauty Journal comes into play.  The negativity in our lives is a habit of thought.  Change the habit!  Actively seek  out the beauty!  The Beauty Journal is simple.  It only takes three simple steps to complete.  You can handle that!

1) Look for 10 Beautiful Things -

I challenge you to start looking for 10 things a day that bring lightness to your heart, a smile to your face, a peace to your mind.  What are 10 things that are gifts that God is bringing into your day…just 10!  They can be as simple as your car starting with the first turn of the key all the way to something as glorious a beautiful sunrise.  I don’t care what they are…I know they are there.

2) Claim Them As Your Own -

Write them down.  Get a journal (get a piece of paper!) and write them down – EVERYDAY – into your journal.  By writing them down, you are claiming them and making them your own.  Have you ever thought about claiming a sunrise as your own?  If not, why?  God could have made the sunrise without all of the beauty that comes with it.  He could have been practical and just made the sunrise simply functional.  But he didn’t.  He made it beautiful – for you!  He wants you to be reminded about how crazy he is about you!

3) Hold Them In Your Heart -

As you write these 10 things down, day after day, hold them in your heart.  Read the list, every  day!  As you read over the list of gifts that are given and you’ve claimed, the gift of the beauties literally multiplies right in front of your eyes.  You will visually see the power of God’s gifts as reminders of his presence in your life.  As you daily reflect on these gifts and praise God for them, the peace that passes all understanding will fill you.  It can’t help but happen.

What is the catch?  There is one!  You have to be an active participant.  You have to do your part.  God provides the beauty.  You have to experience it.  If someone gives you a beautifully wrapped and carefully selected birthday gift and you never open it – what’s the point?  The same is true with the gifts from God.  You have to do your part and receive them!

You must look for the gifts, claim them as your own and hold them in your heart.  When you do, you may be surprised at how the  negativity in the world loses its power and how the gifts start filling your days and your heart.  It will become a habit to look for these things.  It will become part of you.  God’s love will fill you and you will experience God in every beautiful thing.  From the pen that has ink in it to the awesome show of a lightening display to the song of a bird to the laughter of a baby – God’s love will flow through the gifts he is giving you and the peace that passes all understanding will fill your heart and mind – negativity will have no room!

Change your life – look for God’s gifts of beauty!

Christmas is the one of the special days we celebrate God’s love coming to live with us on earth in Christ Jesus.  He entered our world in the most vulnerable and humble way…a baby.  When I think of the ultimate gift of God’s love, I am moved beyond words.  Fortunately, I am always delighted in reading what others have shared in song and prose about this special celebration.  As we prepare for the celebration of God’s love coming to live amongst us, I would like to share some of my favorite quotes/verses/songs that inspire my heart and fill my day with the reality of God’s presence that continues today . 

Peace and joy to you this holiday season!  Jackie

John 1:14

“So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son.”

Luke 2: 8-14

“That night there were shepherds staying in the fields nearby, guarding their flocks of sheep. Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them. They were terrified, but the angel reassured them. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. ‘I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people.  The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger.’  Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others—the armies of heaven—praising God and saying ‘Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.’ “

~ Gertrude B. Byram

Father, We thank Thee for this day.
Bless all we do and all we say.
May we each enjoy Thy blessings great
As Jesus’ Birth we celebrate.
And may the love that we share here
Remain throughout the coming year.
Amen!

Here are some of my favorite verses from some of my favorite Christmas Carols.  Sometimes the words get lost in the music and are sung from a place of habit rather than from our hearts.  There is a lot of love and hope in these carols.  Merry Christmas!

All Through The Night

 Love, to thee my thoughts are turning,
All through the night
All for thee my heart is yearning,
All through the night.
Though sad fate our lives may sever
Parting will not last forever,
There’s a hope that leaves me never,
All through the night.

While Shepherds Watched

All glory be to
God on high
And to the earth be peace;
Goodwill henceforth
From heaven to men
Begin and never cease
Begin and never cease!

We Three Kings

Glorious now behold Him arise
King and God and Sacrifice
Alleluia, Alleluia
Earth to heav’n replies
O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to Thy perfect light.

The First Noel

Then let us all with one accord
Sing praises to our heavenly Lord
That hath made Heaven and earth of nought
And with his blood mankind has bought.
Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel
Born is the King of Israel!

Silent Night

Silent night, holy night
Son of God, love’s pure light
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With the dawn of redeeming grace
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth.

Once In Royal David’s City

For He is our childhood’s pattern;
Day by day, like us, He grew;
He was little, weak, and helpless,
Tears and smiles, like us He knew;
And He cares when we are sad,
And he shares when we are glad.

O Little Town of Bethlehem

How silently, how silently
The wondrous gift is given!
So God imparts to human hearts
The blessings of His heaven.
No ear may his His coming,
But in this world of sin,
Where meek souls will receive him still,
The dear Christ enters in.

O Christmas Tree

O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
Much pleasure thou can’st give me;
O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
Much pleasure thou can’st give me;
How often has the Christmas tree
Afforded me the greatest glee!
O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!
Much pleasure thou can’st give me.

Joy to the World

He rules the world with truth and grace,
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.

It Came Upon The Midnight Clear

O ye beneath life’s crushing load,
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps and slow;
Look now, for glad and golden hours
Come swiftly on the wing;
Oh rest beside the weary road
And hear the angels sing.

Hark The Herald Angels Sing

Hail the heav’n-born Prince of Peace!
Hail the Son of Righteousness!
Light and life to all He brings
Ris’n with healing in His wings
Mild He lays His glory by
Born that man no more may die
Born to raise the sons of earth
Born to give them second birth
Hark! The herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn King!

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

Now to the Lord sing praises,
All you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood
Each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas
All other doth deface.
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy.

Deck the Halls

Sing we joyous, all together,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Heedless of the wind and weather,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Away In The Manger

Be near me, Lord Jesus,
I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray.
Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care
And take us to heaven
To live with Thee there.

Although not considered a traditional Christmas song, I think “Circle” (from Barbra Streisand’s album “Higher Ground) is full of the message of Christmas love. We are all connected and we are all part of God’s love. My prayer this Christmas is that we remember that all our brothers and sisters are loved by God and that our actions and words will remind them of His love.

Circle

Some say the walls between us stand so tall.
They don’t see there’s just one sun shining on us all.
I say we each choose roads to call our own.
But none of us is traveling through this universe alone.

And this circle just goes on and on.
It began before us, it will be here when we’re gone.
And this circle just goes on and on and on.
Connecting our humanity,
Joining me to you and you to me.

Seasons keep spinning on the wheels of time.
We stand, we fall, we struggle up the mountains we must climb.
Different dreams may color what we see ahead.
But our lives are strung together on a common thread.

And this circle just goes on and on.
It began before us, it will be here when we’re gone.
And this circle just goes on and on and on.
Connecting our humanity,
Joining me to you and you to me.

Round and round and round and round we go.
Around and round and round we go,
Love and learn and change and grow.
Round and round and round we go.

And this circle touches everyone.
As it crosses every boundary underneath the sun.
And this circle just goes on and on.
It began before us, it will be here when we’re gone.

Yes, this circle just goes on and on and on.
And someday we will come to see
I’m joined to you and you to me.

~ Wilda English

God grant you the light in Christmas, which is faith; the warmth of Christmas, which is love; the radiance of Christmas, which is purity; the righteousness of Christmas, which is justice; the belief in Christmas, which is truth; the all of Christmas, which is Christ.

~ Charles Dickens

“ I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.”

~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning

“God’s gifts put man’s best dreams to shame.”

A Christmas Prayer of Blessing
~ Helen Steiner Rice

“Our Father, who are in heaven,”
hear this Christmas prayer,
And if it be Thy gracious will,
may joy be everywhere –

The joy that comes from knowing
that the holy Christ child came
To bless the earth at Christmas
for Thy sake and in Thy name.

And with this prayer there comes a wish,
that these holy, happy days
Will bless your loved ones everywhere
in many joyous ways.

What Can I Give Him?
~ Christina Rossetti

What can I give Him
Poor as I am?
If I were a Shepherd
I would bring a lamb,
If I were a Wise Man,
I would do my part, -
Yet what I can I give Him,
Give my heart.

Religious symbolism of The Twelve Days of Christmas (The 12 Days of Christmas)

1  True Love refers to God
2  Turtle Doves refers to the Old and New Testaments
3  French Hens refers to Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues
4  Calling Birds refers to the Four Gospels and/or the Four Evangelists
5  Golden Rings refers to the first Five Books of the Old Testament, the
“Pentateuch”, which gives the history of man’s fall from grace.
6  Geese A-laying refers to the six days of creation
7  Swans A-swimming refers to the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven
sacraments
8  Maids A-milking refers to the eight beatitudes
9  Ladies Dancing refers to the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit
10  Lords A-leaping refers to the ten commandments
11  Pipers Piping refers to the eleven faithful apostles
12  Drummers Drumming refers to the twelve points of doctrine in the
Apostle’s Creed

A Friend’s Greeting

~Edgar A. Guest

I’d like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me;
I’d like to be the help that you’ve been always glad to be;
I’d like to mean as much to you each minute of the day
As you have meant, old friend of mine, to me along the way.

I’d like to do the big things and the splendid things for you,
To brush the gray from out your skies and leave them only blue;
I’d like to say the kindly things that I so oft have heard,
And feel that I could rouse your soul the way that mine you’ve stirred.

I’d like to give you back the joy that you have given me
Yet that were wishing you a need I hope will never be;
I’d like to make you feel as rich as I, who travel on
Undaunted in the darkest hours with you to lean upon.

I’m wishing at this Christmas time that I could but repay
A portion of the gladness that you’ve strewn along my way,
And could I have one wish this year, this only would it be:
I’d like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me.

Christmas Bells ~

“During the American Civil War, Longfellow’s oldest son Charles Appleton Longfellow joined the Union cause as a soldier without his father’s blessing. Longfellow was informed by a letter dated March 14, 1863, after Charles had left. “I have tried hard to resist the temptation of going without your leave but I cannot any longer,” he wrote. “I feel it to be my first duty to do what I can for my country and I would willingly lay down my life for it if it would be of any good”. Charles soon got an appointment as a lieutenant but, in November, he was severely wounded in the Battle of New Hope Church (in Virginia).   Coupled with the recent loss of his wife Frances, who died as a result of an accidental fire, Longfellow was inspired to write Christmas Bells”.  He wrote the poem on Christmas Day in 1864.”  (Excerpt from Wikipedia)

“Glory to God in the Highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men” (Luke 2:14). The carol was originally a poem, “Christmas Bells,” containing seven stanzas. Two stanzas were omitted, which contained references to the American Civil War, thus giving us the carol in its present form. The poem gave birth to the carol, “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day,” and the remaining five stanzas were slightly rearranged in 1872 by John Baptiste Calkin (1827-1905), who also gave us the memorable tune.”  (Excerpt from “The Editor’s Desktop” by by Tom  Stewart – December 20, 2001)

Christmas Bells

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along
The unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Till, ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime
A chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound
The carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

It was as if an earthquake rent
The heart-stones of a continent,
And made forlorn
The households born
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And in despair I bowed my head;
There is no peace on earth,” I said;
“For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep;
“God is not dead; nor doth he sleep!
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!”

God Is Everywhere

~ Helen Steiner Rice

Our Father up in heaven,
long, long years ago,
Looked down in His great mercy
upon the earth below.

And saw that folks were lonely
and lost in deep despair.
And so He said, “I’ll send My Son
to walk among them there,

So they can hear Him speaking
and feel His nearness, too,
And see the many miracles
that faith alone can do.

For if man really sees Him
and can touch His healing hand,
I know it will be easier
To believe and understand.”

And so the holy Christ child
came down to live on earth.
And that is why we celebrate
His holy, wondrous birth.

And that is why at Christmas
the world becomes aware
That heaven may seem far away
but God is everywhere.

Leo Tolstoy ~

Where there is faith, there is love;
Where there is love, there is peace;
Where there is peace, there is God;
And where there is God; there is no need.

– Unknown

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic

 W.T. Ellis ~

“It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.”

Heirloom

Up in the attic.
Down on my knees.
Lifetimes of boxes,
timeless to me.
Letters and photographs
yellowed with years.
Some bringing laughter.
Some bringing tears.

Time never changes
the memories, the faces
of loved ones, who bring to me…
all that I come from,
and all that I live for
and all that I’m going to be.
My precious family
Is more than an heirloom to me.

Wiseman and shepherds,
down on their knees.
Bringing their treasures
to lay at his feet.

 Who was this wonder?
Baby yet king.
Living and dying,
He gave life to me.
Time never changes
The memory, the moment
His love first pierced through me.

Telling all that I come from,
and all that I live for,
and all that I’m going to be.
My precious savior
Is more than an heirloom to me.

My precious Jesus Is more than an heirloom to me.

JOY

Somehow, not only for Christmas,
but all the long year through,
The joy that you give to others,
Is the joy that comes back to you.

-John Greenleaf Whittier

A Little Gift of Love

(J.Joens)

Hebrews 10:23-25

Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.  Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.  And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.

The word, Advent is from the Latin words, advenire which means “coming” and adventus which means “arrival.”   It is a time here we expectantly wait for the coming of Christmas – the celebration of God’s love coming down to earth in Jesus Christ.  God loves us so much, that he wanted us all to experience the warmth of his love in a very personal way.  He loves us so much that he wants us to continue to experience that love every day.  He loves us so much that he wants us to expectantly and eagerly wait for the arrival of love.   He’s filled those who invite him, with the Holy Spirit so that his love can flow through us and into the world in every day and every way – with every person we encounter.

I think there are sometimes (maybe even oftentimes) that we don’t even know when God’s love is flowing.  For those who let God’s love fill their hearts, they aren’t always aware of when love flows to the people around them.  I think sometimes we can touch another’s heart and not even know we did.

The realization of this struck me two Mondays ago when the church choir with which I sing went out for our Christmas celebration.  After we ate dinner and as we sat there, I looked around the room and was struck by the wonderful group of people that is Adoration Choir.  I was moved with the questions, “I wonder if we didn’t share the love of singing praises to God, would we be friends?” “Would we ever even have met?”  “Would I have ever had the chance to connect with such an amazing and diverse group of wonderful people if we didn’t all love to sing for Jesus?”

At that moment, I was filled with such awe at God’s gifts and such a love for them all.  I was soulfully moved with the blessing in my life that is Adoration Choir.  I was filled with love for them and from them and they didn’t even know it. 

You see, every week – day after day – hour after hour – I hear some tragic stories of hurt, pain, neglect, abuse, sorrow…so many hurting souls come into my office who are struggling in life because of broken relationships and broken hearts.  By the middle of the week, my heart can feel so heavy…I can feel so depleted…and then I get to sing praises to our Lord with Adoration Choir!

By the time I leave on Wednesday evenings (even though I’m very tired) my spirit is renewed.  They aren’t even aware of how much they bring to me every week. And then in turn…of how much I am able to share with the clients I see at the week’s end.  I don’t think they know the power of the love that flows through them and to me in every note we sing.  I eagerly anticipate and expectantly wait for our Wednesday evenings of singing praise together!

I encourage everyone to know that every relationship, every encounter with every single person is your opportunity to bring love into the world!  You can make a difference with every moment and you may never even know it!  Eagerly anticipate the next opportunity to shower love on someone…just as God showered us and continues to shower us with his love.  What a beautiful gift!

Prayer

Heavenly and most gracious Father, Thank you for the gift of your love in Jesus’ birth.  What a glorious day you sent your love in human form.  We praise you for the opportunity to be the bearers of that love today.  As we eagerly anticipate Jesus’ coming again, fill us with anticipation of the opportunities to fill each other with your love.  Thank you for the gift of your presence in our hearts and how you’ve designed this love to flow between us.  What an awesome way to keep us going.  What an incredible way to fill us up.  What a glorious God you are!  In your loving and soul-filling son, Jesus’ name we pray…Amen.

Winter Wonderland

~ favorite verse from this song

When it snows, ain’t it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling
We’ll frolic and play, the Eskimo way,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

Janice Maeditere ~

“Christmas not as much
about opening our presents as opening our hearts.”

Robert Webber ~

“The event of Christ is the only event in human history that promises relocation and centering, meaning and purpose. This promise and its fulfillment evoke passionate and heartfelt praise and thanks, especially for those aware of their own brokenness and the healing which Christ brings into their lives.”

~ Pamela F.Dowd

God sent a star to light the night for
The Way, The Truth, The Life–His Son.
He sent the Light of Life to prove His heart
so we would invite His Son into our own.
God has given us all the light we’ll ever need
to find peace on earth, goodwill to men.

~ Handel Brown

Christmas has lost its meaning for us

because we have lost the spirit of expectancy.

We cannot prepare for an observance.

We must prepare for an experience.

A Christmas Prayer

~Martin Luther

Ah, dearest Jesus, holy Child,
Make thee a bed, soft, undefiled,
Within my heart, that it may be
A quiet chamber kept for Thee.

My heart for very joy doth leap,
My lips no more can silence keep,
I too must sing, with joyful tongue,
That sweetest ancient song,

Glory to God in highest heaven,
Who unto man His Son hath given
While angels sing with pious mirth.
A glad new year to all the earth!

Welcome To Our World

Tears are falling, hearts are breaking
How we need to hear from God
You’ve been promised, we’ve been waiting
Welcome Holy Child
Welcome Holy Child

Hope that you don’t mind our manger
How I wish we would have known
But long-awaited Holy Stranger
Make Yourself at home
Please make Yourself at home

Bring Your peace into our violence
Bid our hungry souls be filled
Word now breaking Heaven’s silence
Welcome to our world Welcome to our world

Fragile finger sent to heal us
Tender brow prepared for thorn
Tiny heart whose blood will save us
Unto us is born
Unto us is born

So wrap our injured flesh around You
Breathe our air and walk our sod
Rob our sin and make us holy
Perfect Son of God
Perfect Son of God
Welcome to our world

Charles Dickens ~

“I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round,
as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time;
the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year,
when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely,
and to think of people below them as if they really were
fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.”

As With Gladness Men of Old

~ favorite verse from this hymn

Holy Jesus, every day
Keep us in the narrow way;
And, when earthly things are past,
Bring our ransomed souls at last
Where they need no star to guide,
Where no clouds Thy glory hide.

Hamilton Write Mabie ~

Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.

GIVE THE FOLLOWING GIFTS:

To your enemy . . .forgiveness,
To your opponent . . .tolerance.
To a friend . . . your heart.
To a customer . . . service.
To all men . . .charity.
To every child . . . a good example
To yourself . . .respect

-Author Unknown

Dr Seuss ~

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store.  What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

I was hungry and you formed a humanity’s club and discussed my hunger, thank you.

I was imprisoned and you crept off quietly to your chapel and

prayed for my release.

I was naked and in your mind you debated the morality of my appearance.

I was sick and you knelt and thanked God for your health.

I was homeless and you preached to me of the love of God.

I was lonely and you left me alone to pray for me.

You seem so holy, so very close to God,

but I am still very hungry and lonely and cold

– thank you.

“When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth.  I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.  Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.  And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.  May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.  Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.”

There are far too many times in life when you feel weak and incapable of taking one more step, facing one more challenge, dealing with one more difficult person, handling one more disagreement with another family member, experiencing one more loss…  I know that sometimes life can feel overwhelming.  I also know that when these trials present themselves that it is then that you can feel so incredibly alone.

When you are facing such struggles, remember that God is the giver of all that is good.  In the midst of what seems to be all that is bad, please try to remember He is there with you.  I know that this isn’t always easy to do nor easy to remember, because quite honestly loss and pain hurt!  Hard times in life are difficult!  Loss seems to leave a big hole in our hearts!  Sometimes life just stinks!

I remember when I found out about my husband’s affair, I felt as if my entire world shook.  Then when I found out he didn’t want a divorce but also didn’t want to give up his girlfriend, my entire world changed some more.  I didn’t know what I was going to do.  I didn’t know what to think.  I really wanted to know why this was all happening.  But no answer came.  I felt defeated.

Then, I stumbled upon a copy of the poem Footprints In The Sand byMary Stevenson (1936).

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

I carried this poem with me for the next number of days…weeks…years…as I worked through the changes that came after losing a 19 year marriage.  I had to grieve the loss of my sons’ family unit – my family unit. I had to grieve the loss of my marriage.  I had to grieve the loss of half of my family and many of my friends.  I had to grieve the loss of my step-children and step-grandchildren.  I had to grieve the loss of the home that I designed and helped build.  I had to grieve the loss of my neighborhood and beautiful neighbors.  I had to grieve the loss of our dreams for retirement, grandchildren, the future we had dreamed about and planned.  It seemed that I had to grieve more than I had to hold on to as all of this loss was going on around me.  At times, I felt so alone.  It was a terribly difficult time in my life.  This poem served as a reminder that God was carrying me through all of my grief…all of these changes…all of the loss.

The verses in Ephesians reminded me, too that as life happened around me and to me, I was not alone.  I did not have to be strong – God’s strength would sustain me when I felt I had no more to give.  During those moments when I did not believe that I could take one more step, I was lovingly reminded that I didn’t have to.  God was carrying me.  I was not alone.

No matter what struggles you are facing today, may the words from Ephesians and the poem by Mary Stevenson be lights to your path.  My prayer for you is that during the hurt, sadness, pain and grief that you are working through today that you are lovingly reminded…

“And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.  May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.”

You are not alone!

So, what can we do? 

All we can do is work on our own emotional health.  This post is designed to bring to your awareness a question or a consideration that seems to get in the way of emotionally healthy and happy relationships.  I challenge you to look at the daily additions and see how they apply to the way you are living and growing in your relationships…all of your relationships.  As we challenge ourselves, we can learn to dance the dance of relationships without stepping on each other’s toes! 

Enjoy your journey…

Newest Relationship Thought:

If the cake is bad, what good is the frosting?

Taking care of your heart is a necessity when contemplating the need for good relationships in your life.  Do you like who you are?  When you look in the mirror, who do you see?  (I’m not talking about false self-contempt – for that is a self-esteem issue.)  I’m talking about facing the ingredients that make up the inside of you.  Have you been paying attention?  Are you measuring what you put into your heart and head?  Those ingredients will have a direct impact on how the finished product (you) will be.  Bad stuff in, equals a not-so-hot final product.  Rather than trying to cover up the not-so-hot inside with flashy and fancy distractions, try working on the ingredients that are going into your heart and head each day.

Are you reading trashy novels, watching crime shows, listening to violence-filled music, watching more than 1 hour of news channels a day, hanging out with others who revel in gossip and hate talk, eating fast food, using drugs, watching porn…?  Or are you taking in the beauty of nature, listening to uplifting music, reading the Bible, meditating, exercising, eating healthy foods, spending time with good hearted friends, filling your head and heart with the goodness that is out there if you take time to look for it.

Research indicates that it takes 9 positive things to undo the impact that 1 negative thing has on your heart.  You do the math.  Are you filling your life with negativity or are you actively trying to fill your life with the positives that surround you…if you spend the time soaking them in?

Previous posts:

From the chapter of “Learning to Love Well” in Sexuality and Holy Longing: Embracing Intimacy in a Broken World by Lisa Graham McMinn

 “Sacrificial living and loving empowers and gives voice to the dreams of a spouse, even if they are not one’s own dreams….Smiling at and even finding endearing the nuances and habits of one’s spouse that could otherwise be regarded as annoying or irritating is to live graciously. In doing so, marriage is lived in the freedom of grace where husbands and wives are honest about who they are and can be known and embraced in spite of imperfections.  Coming home at the end of the day is returning to a place of refuge, where two people embrace, listen to, and share the events of the day, both bad and good.  They nurture and accept, and are nurtured and accepted.  Human sexuality, which draws us into consummate communion with another, is expressed in sacrificial loving and living.

The alternative is to live without freedom – fearful of what compromise or giving up control, or even giving too much affirmation, might cost.  Instead of living in grace, couples engage in subtle battles for power, protecting themselves from being taken advantage of.  Fear and habit drive much of our broken ways of relating.  The models we have around us show men and women constantly taking advantage of each other, using each other, leaving each other for someone new.  We are accustomed to seeing couples criticize and work to “fix” each other.  To hang on to what we have; we scrutinize and criticize and control each other, fearful that if we lose control, we will lose some right or something that rightly belongs to us, including our spouse.  We criticize each other for foolish words spoken in public, critique our partner’s driving route from the passenger seat, or nag each other about a shuffling walk or the habit of jingling pocket change.  Coming home means bracing oneself for criticism, for the next report on how one has added to an accumulating list of disappointments.  There is little freedom to relax, to be securely loved for who one is.  Sexuality is distorted and, instead of seeking closeness, couples move apart.  A typical response to living in an unwelcoming or unsafe place is to withdraw, to distance oneself emotionally or physically from the other.”

“The grass is greener on the other side, but it is just as hard to mow.”   It is often tempting to look around and see all that you don’t have – wanting something more, someone different, something ‘better.’  More…Better…Different…just not what you have.  I wonder what would happen if you took a moment and inventoried all you do have.  I wonder what would happen if you took care of your grass – tending to it, trimming, caring, nurturing, feeding it?  Different doesn’t mean better – it is just different – it will stay take work.  Spend a little more time tending to your own grass and maybe it will start looking more wonderful.  The grass may look greener, but it isn’t.  It is just a different shade of green!

“Making excuses doesn’t change the truth.”  The truth can be rather elusive.  Often when facing the truth you are left with the realization that things will change if the truth is accepted.  That can be a frightening proposition.  Without the change, things stay the same and familiar – that is comfortable.  If there is a change, then the unknown must be faced and things will be different – that is uncomfortable.  Where do you turn?  Do you work through your fears of the unknown and move forward toward the truth in growth?  Or do you stay in the familiar of whatever it is that is keeping you from moving ahead toward health?  Your challenge today is to look at the truth.  Face it.  Challenge it.  Explore it.  Then move forward fighting your fear/discomfort of the unknown and celebrate the reality of growth on a personal and relational level that only the truth can provide!

“It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.”  This little quote could be taken down many paths and many directions.  Today, I think I’ll take it down the path of integrity.  People often have a lot to say, but when it comes to walking the way they preach everyone else should walk, they come up short taking a different path.  Do what you say you are going to do.  Make sure you think carefully before you say anything at all.  Then, make sure your actions match your words.  That is integrity in a nutshell.  You will then be a person that others can count on and trust.

“He gives the very best to those who leave the choice with Him.” Sometimes it is difficult giving up your cares and worries.  By holding on to them you experience an artificial sense of control.  When you worry about things, then it feels as if you are doing something about the situation when really all you are doing is expending energy in an unproductive way.   The next time you find yourself worrying about something ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do about this situation?”  If there is, the do it!  If not, it is time to get down on your knees and pray that God will take care of things for you.  Then, let him keep it!  Don’t take it back!  It is prayer time!  God is the absolute best problem solver!  All you have to do is ask for his help.

 “If you are not able to make yourself what you wish, how can you expect to mold another to your will?”  This quote really struck my heart this morning.  I am feeling a bit heavy of heart as a result of the increased number of people who are struggling with abuse and finding their way to my office.  Not a day goes by when I am listening to a heart-breaking story of betrayal, pain, dehumanizing behavior, cruelty and evil!  The pain that is left in the quake of such abusive behavior and talk is heart wrenching.

If everyone would worry more about the kind of person they are and how they are showing love to all the people they interact with each day – especially their families – then I would be out of a job!  What a great prayer! 

My prayer today is that tomorrow I will not be needed.  I pray that all of God’s people stretch themselves to exercise self-control rather than a control of others.  That they strive to build others up rather than trying to tear them down.  That they open their hearts and minds to the unconditional love of Christ and realize His presence in peace, joy and love.  Then, I will not be needed as  a therapist…then God’s love will be flowing and my joy will be immeasurable as I embrace my state of unemployment!

“People do not fail, they give up trying.”  I have noticed many couples who tire of the relationship dance.  If I had a nickel for every time someone said, “Relationships shouldn’t be this much work!” I would feel like I had won the lottery!  I wonder why some people believe that relationships aren’t worth the effort?  These are the people in your life with whom you share memories, traditions, your heart, your hurts, your dreams…why isn’t he/she worth your time and effort.  Why isn’t this priority reflected in the effort you give to it?

 I understand that with the ups and downs in life, relationships can sometimes be exhausting.  But isn’t that exactly why we are in these relationships?  To share the ups and (especially) the downs?  As we move through life, the sharing of these things (when done right) brings a richness and depth to life that surpasses so much of our expectations.

 The only time I think a relationship is broken enough to leave is if someone has already left the relationship.  In the case of abuse, adultery, emotional infidelity, addictions, etc. a person is often working on the relationship all by himself/herself.  In those cases, it is difficult to work through problems unless there is true repentance.  I find that many who find themselves in these types of situations fight to even convince their partner to care.  In those cases, I do not believe a person is giving up.  Then, it becomes preservation of the self that God has gifted to you. 

“To belittle is to be little.”  Gossip and put downs really shed a light more on the person speaking than the person being discussed.  Watch your words.  Understand your motives.  Contemplate your heart.  Sticks and stone do break bones and words do hurt – a lot!  Make sure you shine brighter with a heart free of the burden of gossip, judgment and criticism. 

“The peace within becomes the harmony without.”  Inner peace is one of the best things you could bring into your relationships.  Our world is so full of ‘busy’ and stressors that finding a moment to be quiet and breathe is difficult unless you are intentional.  God tells us of how important it is to “remember the Sabbath” and that we need to “be still” and know that he is God.  These loving instructions direct us to the importance of shutting off the business of our daily lives and to focus a moment on our creator and the truth of love he so graciously gives.  God knows that the inner peace he provides removes all of the stressors in life, renewing our hearts and minds.  When you are freed from stress, you don’t bring so much baggage to your relationships.  Your relationships will then be filled with much more harmony, peace, joy and love.

“Be careful how you live; you may be the only Bible some people read.”  Need I say more?!

“If there is anything better than to be loved, it is loving.”  People often visit my counseling office because they long for more love in their life.  They experience a profound hurt as a result of the void they genuinely feel.  It is amazing however, how much of the void can be filled if you just turn your focus from getting love to giving love.  When you take time to learn to love yourself as God loves you, the automatic result is a bubbling up of this love from inside of you.  It can’t help but spill out all over everyone else.  I guarantee you will be ‘feeling’ more love!

Good self-esteem is when you learn to love yourself the way God loves you.  He sees you – all of you – the good and the not-so-good parts.  He sees all of you and still loves you passionately.  So much so, that He can’t get enough of you.  You know, since this is God’s love for you, what makes you think your opinion of yourself is more important than His?  When you can love all of yourself and take care of yourself that way, you will then enjoy the benefits of a good self-esteem – God’s genuine love for you!

“I should know myself better if there were not so many of me.”  Does changing the hats of your different relationships cause you stress?  That can be the case if you aren’t careful about making sure that your true character never changes from one role to another.  Mother, father, co-worker, manager, teacher, leader, sister, brother, son, daughter, lover, friend…you should always be a person of integrity and character.  Then changing your hats becomes much easier because you are not changing “YOU.”

“Consider wherein you agree with your opponent rather than wherein you differ.“  You can sometimes become so focused on your own thoughts, feelings and position that you fail to be able to see a point of compromise.  Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.  Standing there, you may find that you have something valuable to learn.  At that point the middle ground will become easier to see.

“As long as man stands in his own way, everything seems to be in his way.”  How many times do you sabotage your life and relationships with behaviors that are contrary to your values, goals, dreams…?  Do you know what baggage you are bringing into your relationships?  If not, you better figure it out so that you don’t start tripping all over it and getting in your own way!  I’ve always said, “If you have a heartbeat, you have baggage.  To live happily in your relationships, you better learn how to carry your baggage gracefully!”

“Happiness is not a reward – it is a consequence.”  Wow!  This one really says a lot!  To be happy is a consequence of living your life deliberately with purpose and meaning and focus on your relationships.  When living with integrity and commitment, then your relationships will be much more complete and happiness will be the result.  True happiness is always found in relationships – “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.’ And, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” That describes the ultimate happiness – it says it all!

 ”Sing your song and your whole heart will be in the singing.”  It is amazing how great life can be when you live your life with purpose.  Days are often times smoother, nights are often filled with better sleep and relationships are often times more fulfilling because your needs are being met on your own.  So…what is your purpose?  Your “sweet spot?”  Your personal song to sing?  Get in touch with your passions.  God filled your heart with passion for things that may be a hint as to what your personal song is all about.

“The brightest blaze of intelligence is of less value than the smallest spark of charity.”  Sometimes it seems that people can fill their head with a lot of knowledge and a lot of information with the hopes that they will experience a full life.  Although ‘knowing’ is a good thing, feeling and experiencing relationships and connections are much more fulfilling.  Are you investing yourself, time and energy in your relationships?

When my day is going badly, how do I let others know?  Do I scowl?  Do I yell?  Do I throw things?  Do I pick fights?  Do I sulk?  Do I retreat and avoid anyone else?  Or do I kindly share that I had a very stressful day.  Telling my loved ones that it isn’t anything about them, but rather how things went during my day.  Then, ask them for forgiveness and grace as I need to put myself in time-out.

Integrity – Do my words and actions match?  Am I living a life of integrity where “do what I say and not what I do” is a phrase I never need?  Do I walk the walk or am I only talking the talk?

Every relationship is my opportunity to bring God’s love into the world today.  Today, I will take a bit of time to honestly learn about myself and especially myself through the eyes of others.  Am I living true, in a way I can feel good about what the world sees through me?

Honesty – Some of the most difficult truth to bring into light is being honest about myself.  Am I genuine about who I am and what I do?  Am I open to hearing loving criticism in search of self-growth and relationship repair?  Do I know myself well enough that I can communicate my needs with love and grace?  Am I self-aware enough to let down my guard so I can hear what you have to share with me?  If not, I need to spend a little time with myself and figure out what is going on in my head and heart.

Humor – Can you laugh at yourself?  When you make a mistake, a slip-up or generally just look silly, can you laugh about it?  Or is your humor centered on making someone else the focus of your laughter?  If so, you may be hurting your relationships.  Laughing at someone is different than laughing with them.  This is definitely a case where it is important to follow – not lead.  Unless, of course, you are laughing at yourself!

Tolerance – often times, my intolerance is as a result of my own unresolved hurts, fears or challenges.  To be tolerant means that I give up these things and I become open to the fact that others have ideas, thoughts and beliefs that may be different from my own.  It doesn’t mean that I have to agree with another’s position.  It just means that I give up the need to be “right” and my hurts, fears and challenges do not move me to judge or criticize others for their ideas, thoughts and beliefs. 

Faithful – Commitment is an important part of relationship.  Am I consistently trustworthy and loyal to others?  How about to myself?  Am I firm in my beliefs or do I waiver, giving into the pressures of culture, friends, co-workers and/or family?  Being firm in my beliefs does not mean imposing them on others.  It means living my life with integrity where my actions match my words so that others can count on me for consistency of character.

Forgiveness – I need to give up the need to change the past and the people in my life.  When I hold on to the hurts and the hopes, wanting relationships to be different than they are, the pain in my heart continues.  To forgive does not mean I forget. The hurt still happened – I cannot change that.  Forgiveness does not mean reuniting.  I do not have to open my heart to further pain.  Rather, forgiveness means that I give up my right to see justice and healing today.  It means that I can accept where people are and I am willing to move forward with or without them.  I may still have grieving to work through, but I will free my heart from the pain of bitterness and anger.

Insight – I need to learn about myself so that I am more aware of how my behavior and choices have an impact on my daily relationships.  What am I bringing to the table of relationship?  What do I say and do that gets in the way of genuine love and care?  As I know more about what I bring to the table, I am able to set “me” aside to be open to hearing you.  When I hear you, I am open to being more present in our relationship.

Hope – Life is often times very difficult and challenging.  Sometimes the heaviness of the realities in our world seem overwhelming.  How do I stay focused on the reality of hope?  How do I work through my struggles?  Am I sharing hope with others in my life or am I contributing to the heaviness?

Sensitivity –  Do I pay attention to those I come in contact with everyday?  Do I try to be aware?  I know I can’t read anyone’s mind, but I can recognize a tear, a frown, a worried look, a smile, a brightness in their eyes…  When I see these things, how do I show them that I care?

Can I be happy for someone else when good things come their way?  Or, am I filled with envy, regret and irritation that it isn’t me enjoying the blessing?

Empathy – Is compassion experienced in my heart.  I may not know what is like to lose a child to cancer, but I know sorrow.  I may not know what it is like to be abused by a loved one, but I know fear.  I may not know what it is like being abandoned in love, but I do know pain.  When someone I care about is experiencing the heaviness of life, do I engage my heart and join them for a while?

Patience – When I take the time to see others with an eye of compassion, I am able to be more patient.  When I take the time to see others with an eye of care, I am able to be more patient.  When I take the time to see others with an eye of thoughtfulness, I am able to be more patient.  But, when I see others only through the lens of my experiences, I set expectations that are usually impossible for them to meet and my patience seems to disappear.  What am I expecting from others today which may be getting in the way of me patiently meeting them where they are and seeing them for who they are?

Seeking Justice – Life isn’t fair.  I know that!  But, what am I doing about it?  Am I actively looking and seeking for ways that I can bring a little more justice into the world?  When I see injustice in my everyday life, do I call it what it is?  Do I act upon it?  Or, do I sit back and watch – hoping no one will notice and maybe it will just go away!  “I can’t get involved…I don’t live there…it doesn’t concern me…it isn’t any of my business…what goes on in their house is their business…” can be poisonous words when someone needs our help.  Do I seek justice for others, especially if they need power or a voice?

Kindness – Kindness is made up of many good things…compassion, thoughtfulness, gratitude, generosity, gentleness, concern, regard, respect, tenderness, etc.  It is what pours out of me when I am eager to show another that they are loved and that I care. 

Gratitude – Am I grateful for the lessons of my life?  Do I look to the past and feel regret or have I held myself up in an honest reflection, looking, taking ownership and growing with all the lessons I have had the opportunity to learn?

Peace – Am I experiencing peace of heart, mind and body?  Peace is realized when we can rest in the reality that we aren’t in control of very much at all.  Peaceful existence translates into peaceful relationships.  Am I bringing peace to the table of my relationships?

The grass is always greener…I am exactly where I need to be right at this moment.  I do have dreams, goals, desires…but I do not spend all of my time worrying how I will get there.  I also do not live fretting about my past and living my life with regret.  I’ve studied then learned the lessons as life has presented them.  I do not spend all of my days looking over the fence at the color of my neighbor’s grass.  It is beautiful and very green, too.  It is a slightly different shade of green, but it needs to be water, mowed and weeded just like mine.

Am I a human being or a human doing?  How can I expect to experience loving relationships if I am living a busy, hectic, scattered, worried, frazzled, unsettled life?  Instead of always trying to do, maybe it is time for me to just be.

Perseverance – Things that happen to me will change me, but only God defines me.  Is there someone in my life that I am allowing to define me through their actions or words?  Do I allow this encounter to bring me down?  Or am I focusing on what I know to be true – God’s unconditional love for me?

Am I able to give my love with no expectations?  Or, when I love are there strings attached making my love conditional?  When God’s love fills my heart there are no conditions.  I am then free to love without fear or hesitation because the greatest love is already mine. 

Humor – There is a difference between making a good joke about myself or using someone else as my target.  Humor is a funny thing!  If I am not careful, I could hurt someone and then is it really all that funny?

Love your neighbor as yourself. Do you love yourself? If not, how much love is really going on? Is there a difference between self-love and being selfish? When we begin to see ourselves as God does (both the good and bad), love can’t help but fill us, bubbling up and spilling out to all we meet.

Self-control – Do I enjoy a peaceful balance between what I can control and what I cannot control?  Am I exercising self-control instead of trying to control others?

Honesty –  Am I being honest in my relationships?  I don’t mean just speaking the truth (although that is important) but am I being my genuine, honest self?  Do people see who I really am in my daily actions and behavior?

When was the last time someone saw the love of Jesus’ my eyes?

How do I handle it when someone’s opinion is different than mine?  Anger?  Frustration?  Irritation?  Annoyance?  Intrigue?  Curiosity?  Excitement?  Joy?

God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son…in my little corner of the world, what has loved inspired me to do lately?

If someone is driving me crazy, why am I letting him/her have control of the steering wheel?

A healthy relationship can only be as healthy as the least healthy person.  Which one are you?

With our world weighing down on us, it is important that we learn to deliberately make decisions and adopt behaviors and thoughts that are healthy for us.  This doesn’t mean that we ignore those things that bring distress to our day.  Instead, we are to challenge ourselves to think about them in a more clear and honest way – “In the overall scheme of things – how big is this problem?”  Or…”How big is our God!?”

Often times our feelings of depression, anxiety and despair result from you trying to take control over things which you have no control.  This is a battle of anguish that you cannot win, nor that you can possibly overcome.  It is impossible to control so many things in this world – and I am compelled to ask, “Is it even your job to control these things?”

Look over the suggestions offered below that challenge your habitual ways of looking at life’s challenges.  What would your life look like if you could make these your new rules for living?  How would your life be different?  What about these things could leave you enjoying a blessed peace of mind and embracing all that God has gifted you to be and to start seeing yourself through His eyes of love?

1.  Choose to trust God and His word

When you embrace the truth that there are many things about life over which you have no control; you can do one of two things.  You can either take on a “victim” approach to thinking which reinforces the rule of living that things happen to “poor you” no matter what you do or how you do it.  

Or, you can take the position that you trust God, no matter what happens.  You trust that He will always provide for you – sometimes in ways that seem beyond your understanding – but you know He is always there.  You know that if this door closes, there will be another that will open.  Although you may not feel you have the inner strength needed to make it through the day on your own, you know that God is there with you – no matter what – and his presence in your life will get you through your current struggle(s).

 2.  Let go and let God –

To really let go and let God, you must embrace the first point mentioned above.  It means letting go of the need to control your life and life’s circumstances over which you have no control.  One of the behaviors that always leads to anxiety and depression is when you try to control those things that aren’t yours to control.  You want a world of no war.  You want loving and lovely children.  You want relationships that lift you up instead of tearing you down.  You want health instead of illness.  You want security instead of questions.  You want your life to be filled with the realization of all your hopes and dreams.

But, sometimes life doesn’t work that way.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people.  Sometimes there is evil in the world.  Sometimes you get sick.  Sometimes your relationships are abusive.  Sometimes you lose your job.  Sometimes life hands you the opposite of what you want.  You need to let go of what you define as important – the way you want your life to be and instead start looking for all of the blessing God has filled your life with.  They are there.  Let go of YOUR definition of what “should” be and embrace God’s definition of what is.  Always set a focus on God – He is bigger than all of our trials – He is always there.

3.  Embrace the power that God has gifted to you –

God has given each person power in their lives.  You have a personal power in the form of self-control and adaptation.  You can choose to search for the next door that may present itself, or you can quit and get stuck at the closed door.  You get to choose.

One of the greatest tools to use in exercising this self-power is your mind.  Your mind is one of your strongest allies, if you know how to use it.  You have the power to choose to focus on the good surrounding you in the world or you have the power of focusing on the negative things that are there.  (I promise you that there are both!)  We start seeing and experiencing those things that we want to see and experience.  What we look for and observe become almost habit.  Where do you focus your attention?

To really experience personal growth you need to be able to exercise your power by saying over and over (no matter what happens), “God is with me and whatever happens, I will handle it with His help.”  When fear, hurt or pain starts entering your day, remind yourself that God is bigger and that all and the power he has given you is bigger than any fear or pain you may be feeling.  So when the “what-ifs” in life start driving you crazy, simply cut them off – exercise your personal power and know that no matter what happens God is with you and you can handle it!

 4.  Embrace the lessons life has to offer –

Many of life’s challenges are just busting with potential lessons.  One of the easiest ways of removing your focus from a “victim” way of thinking to an “embracing life” way of living is by looking for the lesson that is there – for there is always a lesson…always.  If you view all of life’s experiences as opportunities for personal growth, it will help you let go of your need to have things go a certain way – your way.  You will become more comfortable and confident facing challenges and growing in your faith of God.  You will be fully able to let go and let God.  For your confidence in His presence and belief in His love for you will help you focus on learning all of life’s lessons instead of ridding your life of the struggles you have faced.

 5.  Collect and embrace the “heroes” in your life –

Look around you.  There are people you know and people you have heard of that are living heroes.  People who – no matter what their life circumstances – are living and growing in life.  To collect these heroes, you need to deliberately look for them and then to them for inspiration in learning.  Who do you know (even if you don’t know him/her personally) that inspires you?  Who seems to have been able to embrace all the life-lessons presented no matter what life sends their way?  Who do you know that is living a full life as a “lover of life” rather than a victim?  Who are your heroes?

 6.  Look for your Blessings –

Life is full of gifts and blessings.  Are you seeing them?  Do you recognize when they are there or do you focus so much on those things that bring you challenges that you forget to take a moment to bask in the glory of all the beauty and love that God provides you each and every day?  As you go through your day, take inventory of the beauty God has sent your way.  Begin noticing all, even the little things that are given to you each moment.  The sunrise, a delicious piece of chocolate, a baby’s smile, a stranger’s kindness, a beautiful piece of music, a perfect rose, the company of a new friend…do you see them?  Are you unwrapping the beauty of this gift?  Are you taking inventory of all the glorious gifts that are here for you?

 7.   Live a life of meaning –

There is an incredible sense of accomplishment when you decide to make a difference in your little corner of the world.  Living a life of meaning is making the conscious decision to think and behave in such a way that your presence serves as a gift to others.  This is a way you can pass on the beauty to all of those we encounter.  Do you share grace so that people experience the love of Christ in your actions and words?  Or do you make the decision to get agitated when someone cuts you off on the freeway?  Do you get angry at the person with 12 items in the 10 items or less isle at the grocery store?  Do you become furious when you partner or friend is 30 minutes late because she stopped to carry in the elderly neighbor’s groceries?

As you go through your days are you – the person cutting others off – in the express line with an extra 1 or 3 items – are you chronically late – are you throwing your garbage out your car window – do you give a dirty look to the waitress that just spilled your water?  Make a difference in the world, even if it is just a small difference.  Leave today better than where you found it.  Pass a little love and grace forward.

As you live each and every day choosing to adopt these changes in your life, you will find a whole new sense of peace – a peace that is coming from within you – within your heart.  As you let go of the worries, concerns, hurts, pains, disappointments…of each day, you will have more room to experience and embrace the love God wants to share with you.  To live your life with an attitude of generosity, grace and love – toward yourself and toward your world!  God will use the vessel of you in loving and wonderful ways and you will begin to understand the peace that passes all understanding as those people you encounter will see the love of Christ in your eyes.

 Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name;

  make known among the nations what he has done.

Sing to him, sing praise to him;

  tell of all his wonderful acts.

Glory in his holy name;

  let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.

Look to the Lord and his strength;

  see his face always.

Remember the wonders he has done,

  his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced….

  As we move toward Thanksgiving I am reminded of how sometimes stuff gets in the way of our gratitude and it may become difficult for us to remember to be thankful for all that we do have.  Sometimes life happens and our world seems to be filled with hurt, pain, suffering, and general negativity.  We are surrounded and flooded in all that seems rotten – how can we feel in our hearts a genuine sense of thanksgiving when there is so much hurt going on all around us?

It is well researched and documented that people with positive attitudes are happier, healthier and live longer than those with a habitual practice of focusing on the negative things in life.  Research also has found that it takes approximately nine positive things to undo the impact that just one negative experience has on our psyche.  You do the math.  If you subject yourself to hours of negative news reporting, crime dramas, Real Housewives of whatever county, 24 hour news channels, etc…how many positives do you need in your day to undo the impact of all that negativity?

If you are working in a negative working environment or with negative people, if you have recently suffered from illness or a loss, if you are looking at any change of life that could be difficult (empty nest, surgery, divorce, death, loss of job, loss of neighborhood, etc.) all of a sudden you need to really bring into focus and actively search out all of the positives that you can.  How can you do that?

I often will encourage my clients to start keeping a beauty journal writing down 10 beautiful, happy, positives that occurred with them during each day.  It is often difficult for most people.  So start simply…”the pen I picked up has ink in it; the car started when I first turned the key; I love the smell of coffee in the morning…” I promise there are beautiful things surrounding you every day, if you are just open to seeing them.  You have to train your brain to register them.

That is one of the best parts.  Our brains are trainable.  We can turn our negative focus into a positive one.  It just takes time and a deliberate effort to start looking for those positive things.

That is what is so incredible about God.  In the midst of everything we seem to mess up, he still delivers beauty!  He fills our lives with his presence and sends us positive reminders all of the time.  But…are you looking for them?  Are you open to them? 

You can’t experience them if you aren’t looking!  Are you?   Enjoy!!!! 

Heavenly and generous father,

We praise you and thank you for your presence in our lives.  Help fill our heads and hearts with an awareness of the blessings you shower on us daily.  Please help us remember your promises of love, hope and joy.  For you are ultimately the most beautiful gift of any we could possibly imagine.

Please be with all of your people as we gather together this holiday season.  And help us remember that your presence in our lives makes everyday Thanksgiving Day. 

In your precious son’s name we joyfully sing out in thanksgiving…”AMEN!”