Comments on: Growing Beyond Co-Dependency http://jackiejoens.com/2009/05/07/growing-beyond-co-dependency/ Strengthening relationships one conversation at a time. Sun, 18 Apr 2010 20:40:36 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.6 hourly 1 By: Jackie Joens http://jackiejoens.com/2009/05/07/growing-beyond-co-dependency/comment-page-1/#comment-119 Jackie Joens Fri, 31 Jul 2009 23:49:34 +0000 http://jackiejoens.com/?p=35#comment-119 I am sorry about what you are going through. It sounds as if you are in need of assistance - real time - not via a blog site or email. Not knowing where you live makes it difficult to know where to refer you, but I know many communities offer free (or reduced rate) counseling services through agencies and many churches have pastoral counseling and/or referral services. Please check into assistance through one of these sources. You need on-going help and assistance in sorting through your hurt. Until such time that you can find assistance, please know that there is nothing you can do to "make him understand." We can't "make" anyone do anything they are not willing to do on their own. I would recommend readings on abuse and healthy relationships. Henry Cloud, Lundy Bancroft, Patricia Evans are some authors I can think of off of the top of my head that address such topics in a healthy way. Please do not try to deal with all of this on your own - reach out for support and assistance. You are in my prayers! I am sorry about what you are going through. It sounds as if you are in need of assistance – real time – not via a blog site or email. Not knowing where you live makes it difficult to know where to refer you, but I know many communities offer free (or reduced rate) counseling services through agencies and many churches have pastoral counseling and/or referral services. Please check into assistance through one of these sources. You need on-going help and assistance in sorting through your hurt. Until such time that you can find assistance, please know that there is nothing you can do to “make him understand.” We can’t “make” anyone do anything they are not willing to do on their own. I would recommend readings on abuse and healthy relationships. Henry Cloud, Lundy Bancroft, Patricia Evans are some authors I can think of off of the top of my head that address such topics in a healthy way. Please do not try to deal with all of this on your own – reach out for support and assistance. You are in my prayers!

]]> By: Kiki http://jackiejoens.com/2009/05/07/growing-beyond-co-dependency/comment-page-1/#comment-116 Kiki Fri, 31 Jul 2009 15:40:42 +0000 http://jackiejoens.com/?p=35#comment-116 I came across your page Jackie, trying to find ways to strengthen my relationship with my husband. Everything I have read makes SO much sense I want to cry...We had a very rocky past. He has lied to me many times in the past and been very unfaithful. He asked me to do the hardest thing I have ever done and I did only to be slapped in the face. I had no idea anything was wrong then I of course I ended up finding everything out. I feel humiliated. Nothing has ever hurt me like all the things he did over the course of a year. fast forward a couple years and here we are with a child together(I also have an older child whom he has been a father figure to since she was a baby), and a very unhealthy relationship. I knew we needed help. We both want it to work, there is just one thing that continues to stand in our way of moving on. I cant trust him. I am terrified of him hurting me again, jealous beyond words I obsess about him looking at other girls...he is an extremely outgoing and even flirty man. he thinks I overreact. How can I make him understand how this makes me feel without him getting defensive?? How can I let go of this jealousy and anger? I want so bad to not feel like this anymore! I know we both want to fix things, he said since we had our child he has realized his mistakes and only wants to be a family now, but I am still hurting so bad! How do we fix this?? He expects me to just "get over it" he expects me to just somehow know that he doesn't do anything wrong anymore. If you could find the time to e-mail me I would be so gratefull...we dont have the money to go to counsilling or anything. I came across your page Jackie, trying to find ways to strengthen my relationship with my husband. Everything I have read makes SO much sense I want to cry…We had a very rocky past. He has lied to me many times in the past and been very unfaithful. He asked me to do the hardest thing I have ever done and I did only to be slapped in the face. I had no idea anything was wrong then I of course I ended up finding everything out. I feel humiliated. Nothing has ever hurt me like all the things he did over the course of a year. fast forward a couple years and here we are with a child together(I also have an older child whom he has been a father figure to since she was a baby), and a very unhealthy relationship. I knew we needed help. We both want it to work, there is just one thing that continues to stand in our way of moving on. I cant trust him. I am terrified of him hurting me again, jealous beyond words I obsess about him looking at other girls…he is an extremely outgoing and even flirty man. he thinks I overreact. How can I make him understand how this makes me feel without him getting defensive?? How can I let go of this jealousy and anger? I want so bad to not feel like this anymore! I know we both want to fix things, he said since we had our child he has realized his mistakes and only wants to be a family now, but I am still hurting so bad! How do we fix this?? He expects me to just “get over it” he expects me to just somehow know that he doesn’t do anything wrong anymore. If you could find the time to e-mail me I would be so gratefull…we dont have the money to go to counsilling or anything.

]]> By: Jackie Joens http://jackiejoens.com/2009/05/07/growing-beyond-co-dependency/comment-page-1/#comment-7 Jackie Joens Fri, 08 May 2009 02:20:49 +0000 http://jackiejoens.com/?p=35#comment-7 I have to really understand the limits of my power. I cannot "make" anyone feel anything. I cannot! It is that simple. That is a fact that I cannot twist into something where I am giving myself more power than I actually have. Once I come to terms with this fact, I can then get a better handle on what I do have control over - myself! Self control is the only thing I can utilize my internal power to exercise. With that said, your point of my actions having an impact on others is valid and important to address. But even with this point, I can only focus on me. I am responsible for my behavior and my reactions. I need to live a life that is full of love, genuineness and integrity. If I do so, then I can feel good about bringing the best 'me' to the table. If someone then chooses that they don't like what they see, then it is up to them to exercise their power and make a choice. However, (and this is important) it is their right to decide freely if they do or do not want to be in relationship with me. If I'm choosing to live a life of love (check out 1 Corinthians 13) by being patient, kind, not self-serving, etc...then I can (in good conscience) know that I am doing the best I can. If the object of my relationship interest is in a state of being loving and genuine as well, then we can both approach the potential relationship openly and honestly. If not, then they will probably be unhappy, upset, angry, etc. In all cases, my responsibility is not to make decisions regarding my actions to keep people 'happy' and/or me out of trouble. My focus is to stay true to my faith and my values, living my life true to integrity and honesty, with living love as the focus of my choices and behavior. God calls us to love Him above all others and then to love our neighbors. Love is the key - am I living my life full of love? If so, then other's reactions to me are really their 'stuff' not mine. I have to really understand the limits of my power. I cannot “make” anyone feel anything. I cannot! It is that simple. That is a fact that I cannot twist into something where I am giving myself more power than I actually have. Once I come to terms with this fact, I can then get a better handle on what I do have control over – myself! Self control is the only thing I can utilize my internal power to exercise.

With that said, your point of my actions having an impact on others is valid and important to address. But even with this point, I can only focus on me. I am responsible for my behavior and my reactions. I need to live a life that is full of love, genuineness and integrity. If I do so, then I can feel good about bringing the best ‘me’ to the table. If someone then chooses that they don’t like what they see, then it is up to them to exercise their power and make a choice. However, (and this is important) it is their right to decide freely if they do or do not want to be in relationship with me.

If I’m choosing to live a life of love (check out 1 Corinthians 13) by being patient, kind, not self-serving, etc…then I can (in good conscience) know that I am doing the best I can. If the object of my relationship interest is in a state of being loving and genuine as well, then we can both approach the potential relationship openly and honestly. If not, then they will probably be unhappy, upset, angry, etc.

In all cases, my responsibility is not to make decisions regarding my actions to keep people ‘happy’ and/or me out of trouble. My focus is to stay true to my faith and my values, living my life true to integrity and honesty, with living love as the focus of my choices and behavior. God calls us to love Him above all others and then to love our neighbors. Love is the key – am I living my life full of love? If so, then other’s reactions to me are really their ’stuff’ not mine.

]]> By: Tessa http://jackiejoens.com/2009/05/07/growing-beyond-co-dependency/comment-page-1/#comment-6 Tessa Thu, 07 May 2009 19:47:56 +0000 http://jackiejoens.com/?p=35#comment-6 Excellent blog! Very insightful! I just have one question and I'm sure there are others out there who have the same question. Back to your statement "We can’t “make” anyone feel, act, or be someway they don’t choose to be themselves…that is their choice (not ours) to make." I agree with and understand this statement at face value but often in my head things get turned around to go something like this: "My actions 'caused' so-and-so to feel, act, or be ... (fill in the blank). So while I'm not responsible for how s/he feels, acts, or is, my 'actions' contributed to it and I am responsible for my actions. So, how can we, the co-dependents of this world, work this out in our minds so that in the heat of the moment - the argument, the abuse, etc - we can have an appropriate response to our loved one that takes responsibility only for our actions - if necessary - and not for his/her response to our actions? Excellent blog! Very insightful! I just have one question and I’m sure there are others out there who have the same question. Back to your statement “We can’t “make” anyone feel, act, or be someway they don’t choose to be themselves…that is their choice (not ours) to make.” I agree with and understand this statement at face value but often in my head things get turned around to go something like this: “My actions ’caused’ so-and-so to feel, act, or be … (fill in the blank). So while I’m not responsible for how s/he feels, acts, or is, my ‘actions’ contributed to it and I am responsible for my actions. So, how can we, the co-dependents of this world, work this out in our minds so that in the heat of the moment – the argument, the abuse, etc – we can have an appropriate response to our loved one that takes responsibility only for our actions – if necessary – and not for his/her response to our actions?

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